~*For Deena*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
~*For Deena*~
10
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 4:17am
Hi, Deena just wanted to say some of my thoughts even though it may or may not matter to you.

I know what you wanted to say or imply to the board, correct me if I’m wrong. Here goes, that it is not safe to meet someone over at any guy’s apartment for the 1st time if you merely met him online because there is a possibility of being raped, sexually assault or even killed. And you are concerned about anyone’s safety especially young teens right?

I agree to it that it will pose a great danger and I personally would not encourage anyone to do or copy what Gabi has done. Coming from a conservative society and family, I myself would not do it.

But it is Gabi’s choice, it’s her life, we do not know her personally and we don’t know the exact situation she is in and we don’t know Lloyd too. She’s just excited to share her experience to all of us and she’s happy with him. We can only give her our advice; she may or may not take it, but not pass judgment on her being. So we should let her be where she wanted to be. These talks already gone long b/c it went way too personal on her and sometimes posts are misinterpreted.

You have your point and stand, she has her own too. Nobody is wrong, nor right……(just left :D(silly me!) Everybody is different, ‘rules’ maybe good for you, it may not be good for me or for the others…Loosen up Deena and let us be all happy and Gail !!! (…ooops I mean gay).lol

And you also said that online communication as largely FANTASY, I believe it’s not….it can HAPPEN Deena! There are success stories (you might say it’s only few), here like Debbie, Hollysnow and others. I can’t say mine was already a success but I can firmly say it is NOT fantasy. As long as we both are honest and know what our goals are, nothing could go wrong…

Btw, are you willing to be our member of the week? I would love you to be one..what ya say???

Cheers

~~Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:03am
Again, there is a misunderstanding here - my problem was with Gail seeming to condone Gabi's behavior - going to a man's apartment the first time - and that to me sent a troubling message. Gabi's behavior of course doesn't concern me - if she wants to behave that way nothing I say or anyone says will change that - very classic behavior for someone who has self esteem issues.

As far as on line communication - I have no doubt that there are success stories - I know marriages that resulted from on line dating sites - that is not my point - my point is that lengthy on line communication is largely irrelevant to whether the relationship will work out and often does more harm than godd as I explained. Those relationships that end up working out in my view would have worked out whether the couple met three days after the first online contact or 3 months - and my guess is that the relationship is easier when in person contact starts sooner rather than later - just as an example, look at all the posts that discuss the frustrations of misunderstandings, broken computers, misnterpretations of typing, etc - none of that really happens, or has much of an impact if you can see the person the next day. In my new-ish relationship we never talk about feelings or anything intense on email - and I have been careful to avoid IM'ing with him - i want things to stay fresh - that way, all important stuff is talked about in person or sometimes - rarely on the phone - let me tell you it makes a huge and postive difference to be in someone's presence when it is important.

And, most of these typing interactions - where there is a long period of time before you meet - are not successful - so all in all it would never be a rik I or most of my friends, would take. (and I believe Holly either met her fiancee in real life or met him very quickly after meeting on line so that is not a good example)

Finally I was not the only one to question Gail's judgment as to her response to Gabi's post. What was upsetting to me were the number of people, including Gabi, who believed I was troubled by her decision to have sex right away. I wasn't, and got tired of having to explain that, so many times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:05am
Jen, you meant well with your post. I know sweetie, but as you can see....it is not going to change anything. Deena will not be member of the week, even though it would be great for her and the board. Thank you for being so kind and posting this message and I appreciate all you do on the board.

Oh, and Deena you are right, you were not the only one to disagree with my position. I will back you up there. It was only three. You, kelly and Sheri. I respect all of the opinions on the board and hope we can all have healthy disagreements in the future.

WE will agree to disagree here! How about that?

Oh, and Deena please stop saying Gabi has low self esteem. She is not the one that will not talk about herself on the board. She is a very happy person from what I know about her and she has never not answered any questions asked of her. I would say you should really re-think YOUR position on saying that about her, since you do not even know her. I would not conclude any such information about someone by reading a post.

Thanks for the post, once again JEN! You are a great asset to the board!!! Love ya!!



gail;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:36pm
Hi Gail,

Thanks so much for your post - at least you GET IT. I have no self-esteem issues, nor have I had for a very long time, although I willingly admit it had been a problem for me when I was younger - especially high school. But that was a LONG time ago. My self esteem is right at one of the highest points in the past year or so.

I think Deena would only do what I did with Lloyd (go and see him at his place on the first date) if *she* had low self esteem. She can only speak for herself, and not me. She doesn't have a degree in psychology (do you Deena?).

Anyway - c'est la vie. Some people only read/hear. what they want to. Its called selective reading/hearing. I can see Deena will never try and see my point of view.

Gabi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:18pm
Thanks Gail - my hunch is that any woman who would take a risk like that has issues - whether it is incredible naivete or self esteem. I am not referring to Gabi here, just generally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:21pm
Generalizing people is a bad issue in itself. You should work on that yourself.




Gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 4:54pm
I'm glad you are self aware about the selective reading - which is of course what you did with all my posts, LOL!

I do not have a degree in pyschology but you don't need one to come to the common sense opinion of a woman who would take the risk that you did. It's true- I have no idea about your background - perhaps you never read the paper, watch TV and perhaps you live in a rural area - the last brutal murder I read about from the internet - they both lived in rural areas, they chatted for almost a year, she did what you did and got chopped up in little pieces. But according to you she probably lacked those superb instincts of yours, LOL!

All the best to you and thanks for all the mostly amusing and entertaining misreadings of my posts - especially where you end up calling yourself all sorts of horrible names - where that came from I'll never know, and I guess I do not need to. Enough said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 4:55pm
Yes, you are right - I am not generalizing just sharing a "hunch" - could be wrong, could be right. My hunch is based on all the research it is more wrong than right for the average human being -
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 6:13pm
Finally something we can agree on. Enough said.

Gabi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:22pm
Whoa- correction.


Jen-

While I am happy to be considered a "sucess story" I NEVER had an online relationship with my fiance. I met my him through the personals, we e-mailed maybe four or five times, he called me, we met in a public place for coffee, and we took it from there. (He lived 10 miles from me).

I dated him slowly and carefully, didn't become exlusive until he asked, didn't see him more than twice a week until we got engaged, etc. etc. For me, this has been the perfect relationship, and we are extremely happy with each other and in love.

I am truly a "rules" advocate, and I also don't believe online relationships are REAL. I think when you meet face to face, THEN the relationship starts, and not before then, no matter how many e-mails, phone calls or IM's you have.

This is what has worked for me and many of my friends:)Others may feel differently, and that's great for them. There's always room for more than one opinion.


In terms of Gendress; I am very glad Gabi didn't get hurt, and met a fun guy, however, I don't think it's EVER a good idea to have the first meeting in a private place. Just my opinion. I had two close friends get sexually assaulted in college from hanging out with men they didn't know well (and it wasn't even the first time they met them.) Absolutely nothing was wrong with their intuition or judgment.

If others want to do it differently, then it's up to their own discretion, but in good conscience I could never advocate such a thing. Watching my formerly happy-go-lucky friends try to rebuild their lives after such an ordeal was heartbreaking. I would never wish such an experience on anyone.


HS


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 10:07pm
Holly, thanks for the correction..i'm sorry.

~jen