Developing feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Developing feelings
8
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:48pm

I was thinking of posting this question this morning, and truewilds post just makes me wonder more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:07pm

I’m no expert but this is my philosophy.

I’ve dated a lot of HOT men that gave me butterflies. Of all the relationships that started out this way for me they all had major character flaws I overlooked because of the intense attraction. They also burned out as quickly as they started for me, not you.

The men that I went out with for 3 years, 1 year and 6 months (now I won’t date anyone longer than 6 months if marriage isn’t a possibility down the road) – they were usually the slow pot to boil. My ex lizard man I could have gotten carried away with but I didn’t with the help of a few friends, I did not get intimate with him for at least a month to 5 weeks and it was hard but in the end we broke up for the obvious lifestyle differences which I won’t rehash but I was into him and it hurt when we broke up, doesn’t’ take away the pain. However it was a blessing in disguise. He too wasn’t right for me.

I think as you get older your priorities change as you described. You want stability, someone who is there for you and believes in you. i.e. good father, son, friend etc. To me a MENTAL connection is just as sexy if not MORE sexy then some hot stud in a pair of levis or a business suit, wink! Chemistry can be confidence, style, wit, charm, character – that is good chemistry too. Also someone who is mature and on the same page – if your like me your tired of these men that are 40 going on 20. To have true intimacy is my ultimate goal and one day I really hope to experience that, sigh.

If you’ve gone thru a lot of jerks like I have it makes me appreciate the nice guy even more therefore for me I think that if I should get married I will appreciate it all that more because of my life experiences. They say the hard knocks builds character. I think the hard knocks of dating makes you realize what truly makes a good relationship successful or one that may perhaps stand the test of TIME.

To me the fireworks can come as they are there when your sick, coach you when you’re down, celebrate with you when your up – looks fade and character lasts a lifetime. Do you want something superficial or something real?

Ms. Peanut ;-)

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:33pm

I can't wait to see what the answers are here - I'm having the same kinds of dilemmas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:35pm

Jennie,

I have been reading your journal with a lot of interest.

I have learned a lot through all of my years of dating and my failed marriage. Fireworks at the beggining of a relationship tend to make you feel like it's got to be "right". Like you have finally met the one, and nothing else really matters because as long as you feel like this around that person, everything will be ok. Over time, you might realize you ignored the fact that he is not very attentive to your needs (or any of a number of character flaws), only because you feel great around him.

My two cents is that while attraction is very important, all of the other stuff is more important. Sometimes I ask myself this question: If I was with a woman that was drop-dead gorgeous but was an absolute "B", or one that was average but had terrific personality characteristics, which one would I have a better chance of a LTR with? It's really a no-brainer.

I say give the guys who have all of those great personality traits a shot, as long as there is some attraction. It may grow over time. If not, then you can move on to the next guy. :)

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:26pm

Hi Jennie-


I think this is an excellent question.

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:46pm

Jennie --

The love of my life, way back when, kept my heart fluttering for 2 solid years. then he started treating me coldly (which to me meant another female was on the horizon) so I broke up with him. I was right about the female. The pain was intense and lasted at least a year. In hindsight, while the chemistry was there in spades, I could never see us getting past the gf/bf stage into adult life together. So it's all to the good that I went on with my life.

I have never fallen that hard for anyone ever again. It's too blinding, too based on physical attraction rather than spiritual.

This is my personal vision of the Whole Package, which I will eventually find: nice, kind, clean, smart, funny, patient, monogomous, hard working. Now that's the man who will turn me on forever.

Edited to add: if I don't feel the instant chemistry, but he has all those qualities, I know for sure that the chemistry will happen! Although, if it isn't there after dating for, say, two months, then it will never happen.

amjay




Edited 9/19/2005 3:48 pm ET ET by amjay45
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:47pm

As a 44 yo woman, I like having the "fireworks" but I need so much more than that! Ironically "fireworks" from the onset, creates quite a bit of anxiety for me and causes me to be vulnerable. It's during these times that I don't make the best decisions, ignore red flags and/or rush into sex. Yes, it's a great feeling (those fireworks) but it's very important for me NOT to lose myself in a relationship. I'm looking for a LONG TERM relationship, not a WHIRLWIND romance.

Bottom line is this, I've had "fireworks" relationship and "slow burning" ones all of which lasted a few years; but ironically if I were at a place in my life where I was comfortable stating what I want or knew what I want; none of these guys would have fit the bill and/or lasted for a few years. Doesn't mean these relationships were totally bad, but just fit for where I was in life at the time.

I wonder if the true question should be "If a person is comfortable stating and seeking what they want, would "fireworks" really matter??? Those sparks are small compared to the complexities of a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:34pm

I was so excited to see this question posted, as I too have just begun dating a guy who I don't feel the butterflies for. We had our first meet on Friday and then went out again last night and we've already set something up for later this week. I can tell he really likes me. When I first met him, I thought "wow he's cute!" But once I got to know his personality, it's just a little bit different than the guys I normally date. He's a sweet guy, very much the gentleman, has his life together, we are in the same profession so we have a lot to talk about and understand each other's work life. Basically he's perfect on paper. But something is just not clicking with me, I'm not sure what it is! He's very much on the artistic side, he's not as masculine as I'm use to..does that make sense? He doesn't act gay, don't get me wrong. He drinks beer, he shoots pool at his local bar, etc. I'm not sure what it is.

He's a lot of fun to hang out with and we laugh a lot together. We had a great time over the weekend for sure. I wasn't dreading going out with him and when I was out, I wasn't thinking "I can't wait till I go home." So I guess that's a good sign? But I wasn't all giddy in the morning when I woke up after our date, I hardly thought about him on Saturday. I've thought about him more today but it was a "do i like him romantically or not?" I'm so use to getting butterflies, getting excited when a guy calls, being nervous for our dates. I have been fed up with men lately and have the "i don't care anymore attitude." Could that be a reason why I'm not having these feelings? He's a cute guy, so why am I not feeling this way? I'm going to continue seeing him and see if the feelings grow over time. Maybe I've built up a callus or wall because I don't want to get myself hurt again....

Layx2

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:11pm

So long as there is SOME attraction from the beginning, I've found it can increase. But I've never found that to be the case with NO attraction...there has to be *something* to build on.

And FWIW, I've found that guys I had real fireworks with were the worst for me. So when I feel them now, it's a sign for me to slow down and be cautious...a red flag, in other words!

Sheri