Did I blow him off or did he deserve it?
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| Thu, 06-08-2006 - 8:25am |
Okay, I need a few opinions on this one: I had been dating a guy about six months ago. We broke up because he didn't seem ready to date since his divorce. I got mixed messages from him- and he often cancelled plans because of work or being sick. That was six months ago.
Fast forward to the past few months- he had been trying to get in touch- I would see him out (or his friends) and suddenly he seemed interested. Then he started writing me again (online through the dating website we met at) and asking me for plans. I was curious to meet him, and wouldn't mind seeing him casually because I'm not dating anyone seriously and I enjoyed his company. But if someone doesn't treat me well, well then I don't need to see them at all in my opinion.
We were supposed to meet for a drink (the first time we found have a date since we broke up six months ago)- he called me on Monday and told me he would call me on Tuesday or Wednesday to contact me to confirm the plans. On Tuesday night he EMAILS me through the dating website (not to my regular email) and tells me (not asks) that his friend might join us and can I bring a friend and we'll all double date. Here I was excately possibly worried that he was just looking to hook up, and I am thinking: why should I have to entertain his friends now, we're not a couple! I was annoyed, and figured, let him call me since even if I emailed him back, we didn't have a place or time planned- I can't and don't want to "play" back and forth emailing.
Well, he didn't call me- and finally I called a friend and said I had been blown off- she said, well he's not right, but he probably thinks YOU blew him off because you didn't email him back.
I mean come on, a call, like its such a big deal? I decided to call him (it was now 8:30, too late really to meet up) and play dumb. I called him- and it went to his voice mail- ten minuted later he called me back, out with that friend and he was whinning that I blew him off! He said "I emailed you and you didn't write back"- I just told him that "I got his message late and I figured we would just talk on the phone to make the plans"- he then told me he tried to call information (he had the wrong spelling) and I wasn't listed (well, I just gave him my number on Monday- he didn't keep it in his phone?) I just told him "Well if you want to get together email isn't the way to get a hold of me, and its sounds like we just had a misunderstanding, because I thought I would hear from him by phone."
He then said he would call me next week after he got back into town and we would try again.
Did I blow him off- or in reality did he deserve that? I have to admit on one hand I am smiling because I thought his lack of "effort" didn't deserve me to make any. And, if you can't make the effort why should I? Now I am remembering why we broke up. Again, I don't have an issue dating him casually IF he treats me like I feel I deserve to be treated. If not, the gym always beckons!
OKay thoughts?

Yeah, I think you did blow him off.
Okay I guess I have one more question- here's a quick bit of background:
I think maybe I should emailed back that we should talk on the phone. I have to admit that I was annoyed that he invited his friend without asking (he just told me!)-
Second, he was on a bit of thinner ice with me. The last time I ran into him- he wanted to hang out- I emailed him to actually ask a favor on a professional level. (I asked him to pass on my resume to his company, he had done this before to another company in the past)- and I let him know, if he wasn't comfortable- it wasn't a big deal. I never heard back from him.
Now, he emails me because he ran into a mutual friend and mentions he passed on my resume. (I think he's lying because wouldn't my resume have my phone number :)
Anyways, bottom line, I figured, if he wanted to get a hold with me- he should call me- he would make the effort. There's a part of me that knows we broke up because he can be selfish about his time- and he had a habit of cancelling at the last minute. To me, I felt the "effort" was justified. I just wanted to see other's opinions- because I guess to me its funny that I still got in contact when he "blew off" my email- so in a sense, its really a taste of his own medicine- which apparently he does't like.
So, does that change your thoughts on it? I guess now at least I feel if anything goes forward, we're even (whatever that is) and maybe he'll think about blowing me off.
I don't know. I think you DID blow him off, however with good reason. I probably would have done the same thing.
I can't STAND it when guys just won't call. It takes two seconds to pick up a phone and dial a number. And this "oh - I lost your number" just doesn't fly. I don't buy it. If you lost it, it can't have been that important to you.
According to other guys on other Ivillage boards, calling isn't necessary. They feels it's perfectly okay to text or email. It's almost like they're afraid to pick up a phone. And that's too bad for them. Because had I been in your shoes, I probably would have done the same thing.
You know, I don't mind if a guy (or a female friend) uses e-mail instead of phoning. I kind of like e-mail because it is asynchronous. If you can't get a person in person you can always leave a better text message than a voice mail.
What I see as the problem in this exchange is that when you are already annoyed with someone for something else you are not tolerant. Everything is annoying. So that isn't a good situation for dating, it seems to me.
No, I still stand by that yes, you blew him off, but it was not without basis or justification.
Thanks, you know, I have been thinking about it back and forth, and the bottom line is he did blow me off about a month ago when I wrote him an email- I didn't hear back from him for a month- and to me, that was reason enough to expect SOME effort.
I think I was also annoyed that he didn't ask about the friend, he just told me (again who knows what he was saying, its certainly subject to interpretation)- but that put me off- and since its also not like he wrote the time and place- it meant that more email back and forth junk was necessary...
I guess now he knows what its like to be blown off... and it didn't sound like he liked it... It wasn't my intention to do the same thing to him, I guess it kind of happened, but I think I just responded to his wishy-washyness and acted the same...
I totally agree with you. With the way he was acting, it sounds to me like you were just a number in his "little black book." And, with the extra friends thing that he didn't even bother to tell you about, just a girl to hang out with when he needed a "date."
Bunk. I would have totally did the same thing as you did.