Did I make things worse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Did I make things worse?
8
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:50pm

Hi all!
I’m going to try to make this short. This is an update to a post entitled “What do I do?” Ok…I think I made things worse…

Brief recap: Met a guy online approx two months ago…things were going good…On Sunday, I get a MySpace message (met him on MS) from some woman claiming to be his girlfriend; the woman told me that he’s been cheating on her with me, and other women. I confront him about it, and he flips on me, giving me the cold shoulder, not returning my emails or phone calls. He said she was lying, but he gets indignant with me for questioning him. Could she make up such an elaborate lie? He also gets mad at me for responding to the woman. I admit, I did respond to her because HE WOULDN’T TALK TO ME!!! He said that he didn’t appreciate me talking to her about him. So, for three days, he continues to ignore my (sometimes tearful) pleas for an explanation. I probably lost all dignity by continuing to email, text, and call him. So, I get mad….

Here’s where I think I made it worse: Yesterday, after three days of trying to get him to face me (he stood me up at the last minute, and turned off his cell when I tried to call him), I contacted the accuser again. I know it was wrong, but I was angry, and I wanted more information. She told me more things about him, that they’d been together for six years, that he cheats every two months, but always begs her to forgive him, saying that it’s just a game and that the women mean nothing to him. She said that he’d even told her that I was just an “online friend”, and that he didn’t want a relationship with me. So, I went back and forth with her, because I knew that she’d go back and tell him what I said. I said some negative things about him so that it would get back to him and hurt him. Guess what? It did, and he called me telling me that he didn't appreciate me talking about him to her. After three days of ignoring me, he only calls me because he's pissed that I contacted her. I knew he would.
The bad part is, this woman is now harassing other women, and pretending to be me! She's giving women my name and number, telling them to call me for info about him. I didn’t know that she’d go this far…I feel like I’ve encouraged her by initiating communication with her yesterday, because I was angry. I was only trying to get at him; I never intended for this to happen. I don't think that me contacting her made her harrass these other women. She probably would've done it anyway. I even started to believe that maybe she did make all this up. I don’t know…I still feel bad because I feel like I made things worse…what if she was lying? It was just that his behavior, his ignoring me and not even responding to my crying, made him look guilty. What do y’all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:18pm

I think this is one of those stories where it pays to listen to the people who tell you to "next" them or "move on". Sounds cliche' to tell someone to forget someone, especially when you are hurting. However, it doesn't help your self-esteem by continuing to try to talk to a guy who is clearly a player. Step back from this situation and give it some time; then try to think how you would feel to be this guy's girlfriend. How secure would you feel knowing that your guy would not leave other women alone? Even if it was just online contacts, would you feel valued and appreciated knowing he was such a cad? I doubt it. The girlfriend he has may be a coniving witch, but how much do you think she thinks of herself by continuing to stay with a guy who has proven himself unfaithful? I have heard and been around men who always liked to have at least TWO women after him. He needs that ego-boost because he simply has little to offer any woman in the way of a relationship. His personality type, sadly, is not likely to change with age. It's something that is deep within and until he suffers some major hurt, he will likely continue to seek out other women no matter how good or decent the woman he currently is with happens to be.

You may be hurting badly, but I guarantee you that within a few months (if not sooner) you will feel a whole lot better about this. Make no further contacts with him or his delusional girlfriend. At this point, they deserve each other. You will eventually be glad that you don't have someone like this in your life. You deserve better. You really did dodge a bullet, so don't go looking for the gun. You will survive and it will get better.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:22pm

Are you also mali something or other? I think that was the name the original post on this was posted under.

I think as far as the guy goes, that this is water under the bridge and it's time to move on (not sure if that's what you were planning to do--your post wasn't clear). Whether her accusations are true or not, this has gone too far for things to work out between you (nor would you really want them to, given his behavior in not at least returning your calls, I wouldn't think.).

As far as she is concerned, can you complain to myspace about your name and phone number being given out? There's probably nothing you can do short of changing your number and/or filing a complaint against her with the police for harrassment.

But hopefully you've learned that engaging the other woman in this type of situation is not worth it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:43pm
Thank you for the thoughtful advice. I am grateful that I found this out before things got even more serious (luckily, I had not been intimate with him yet). I guess I was just really hurt because he treated me so kindly; he was such a gentleman, gave me cards...told me he really cared. It was hard to believe what his girlfriend said, that he is a con man who does this to women all the time. She said he's really good at making women fall for him. According to her, he is extremely insecure, and his messed up childhood of neglect makes him starved for attention from women...he cheats to make himself feel better. Personally, I think that this is a crutch. Anyway, it's over. I told him that I couldn't trust him and that his behavior made him look guilty.
Thanks again for the reply. I will be ok...I just hate that this happened right before the holidays...I'm alone again. I'm so tired of starting over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:53pm
Hi.
Yes, I'm registered under two screennames on iVillage; sometimes I forget which one I'm under when I post to the message boards.
Thank you for your reply. I have DEFINITELY learned that it's not worth it to try to get back at a cheater by engaging the accuser...it didn't make me feel any better. I also agree that too much damage has been done to repair this one, especially after the way he treated me. And yes, I've already told him that I cannot trust him and that I would never see him the same way after the cold way he treated me, so I have moved on from him. Of course, I'm still hurt. Mostly, because I'm alone again...right before the holidays. I've just started over several times in the last few years, and I'm tired of starting over.
Thank you again for the advice.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:56pm

Oh, no worries about the screen name, I just wanted to make sure I had my facts straight.

I know, starting over *again* sucks. BTDT, too many times (including just a couple weeks ago), so I can totally empathize.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:05pm

This whole situation sounds terribly immature.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:49pm

I understand about being alone and the holidays. This has been the case for me for many years now. I also felt used and terribly hurt by my last relationship. I know what it's like to remember the good times with someone and feel so betrayed when they bail on you. In my case, he went back to his estranged wife. I will never again get involved with a guy who is not completely divorced. If I learned one thing from this, it is that no matter what they tell you, if they are still with someone else or only separated from a wife, they are NOT available for dating. Men too often live in the moment. I have no doubt that Mark cared for me in the beginning. I don't believe he was insincere until much later in the relationship, but he did not have the guts to talk to me. Neither did the guy you were seeing. He might have cared for you, but it sounds like he has some major self-esteem issues, which in turn hurts whoever he toys with and then leaves.

At some point, you might find it in your heart to feel some pity for this guy's girlfriend. She was wrong to use your name or number in contacting other people, but she is also pretty messed up if she continues to tolerate his antics. I don't have a lot of pity for people who use their bad childhoods as a reason to treat others badly now. I have had a number of friends who had bad circumstances growing up, some were even abused, but who do not abuse or mistreat other people in their lives today.

A therapist could have a field day with this guy and his girl. Yes, it hurts. I have hurt for many months for what I went through myself, but my logical mind knows I deserve better. Everyone on this board deserves a rewarding relationship...no games, no lies and with hope & joy for the future. I hope everyone gets that in the New Year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:58pm

Thank you for replying and for sharing your personal experience. I definitely agree that men who are still with someone or not divorced are not candidates for dating. Yes, it is hard to remember the good times you share with a person, who completely flips on you when their true self is revealed. It makes you think that it was all an act; however, you're confused because they seemed to genuniely care for you. In my heart, I want to believe that he cared for me. I even asked him, and he said he did and still does. His actions speak louder than his words, though. I think of how he was with me, so sweet, romantic, and caring. Now, it's like I don't know him...he was so cold in the end. Even though he said he was innocent of all those things, his behavior told a different story. It was like once he was found out, he had no more use for me and just discarded me and all that we had.

I do feel sorry for his girlfriend. Not only is she his girlfriend, but she's also the mother of his 4 year old son. She's stuck with him for a long time (at least until the child's an adult). In the conversations I had with her, she expressed that she couldn't let him go because she loves him, even though he continues to dog her out. She is pitiful.

Yes, we do deserve better! Maybe 2007 will be a good year for honest relationships: no lies, no games!
Thank you again.
P.S. both "mali 2579 and rivegauche" are my screennames. I started this post, in case anyone's confused!




Edited 12/7/2006 8:00 pm ET by mali2579