Dilemma about ending dating with a match
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| Sat, 11-05-2005 - 4:52am |
Hi there,
I met a guy online recently. After our first date, we both clicked and we decided to meet again. I found out at the 2nd date that he doesn't drive because of a health issue caused by an injury, so I gave him a ride back home. Also, I knew that he smokes from his profile but didn't realize the extent of his addiction until the 3rd time I saw him - he needs to smoke while walking outside and can't seem to wait 1 hour before the next cigarette. I am not addicted to smoking myself (used to smoke socially in the past on rare occasions) but thought that I wouldn't mind if he smoked only a few cigarettes. However, he seems to smoke a lot more than I imagined and would not be a good fit with my circle of friends who are mostly non-smokers. In addition, I live 30 minutes away from him and public transportation is not very practical in the area where I live. I feel a bit uncomfortable being the driver all the time now and in the future if we decide to continue.
So my dilemma is that I feel he is a nice guy and I like his sincerity, but the driving and smoking is getting in the way. He wants to meet again and I don't know what to say because I don't want to be superficial, I'm afraid that he will think that I am rejecting him because of his health issue. Should I be direct and say that the driving and smoking is getting in the way? Hopefully that won't make him feel hurt. Or maybe we can find a solution. We do have other things in common though (personal interests and profession) which makes this decision more difficult!
Thanks!
Katie

You don't need to feel obligated to someone you have met only a couple of times and you should not feel that you have to keep dating someone that you don't think you will have a long-term interest in because you are afraid of hurting their feelings. Rejection is a part of online dating and if someone can't handle rejection, they shouldn't be doing OLD.
If these things are dealbreakers for you, tell him that you don't think you are a match and move on. You don't need to be more specific. If you think you can work through this, then continue to see him and see if things get better. You are not superficial for knowing what you want and trying to get it. If someone has things that you don't want, it is your prerogative to stop seeing that person. Not a big deal.
Good luck with whichever you choose.
I almost feel like this guy should have been more upfront with you (before you met) about him not driving and how much he actually smoked. A lot of people do not smoke anymore (some of us never have), so I think you are justified for not wanting to be around someone so addicted to cigs.
Secondly, I would find it quite off-putting to be expected to do all the driving for dates with this guy. While maybe he can't do anything about his health issues, he should realize that not driving is going to be a huge handicap for him if he actually wants to date women.
The smoking addiction would be unappealing to many woman and, unfortunately, doesn't help his overall health. Either of these 2 things would give me pause to want to see him again; both together would be a definite no-go. But, I think instead of just saying you aren't a match, I would probably tell him the real reason. Both are big enough problems that he is going to find it hard to find a woman who will tolerate either obstacle. Plus, they are legitimate concerns for most any (non-smoking) woman who might date him.
Thanks all for your honest advice! I feel sorry for this guy, I think it is more appropriate for him to meet a lady who lives closeby to him and who also is a smoker. Since I am none of these things, I am going to gather courage and try to explain to him that these 2 are issues.
Thanks!
Katie
I would take the advice of the folks who said to focus on the smoking... If I remember correctly, you originally said that he couldn't drive because of a physical issue, right? If you bring that up as one of the issues it's likely to make him feel bad b/c he cannot change it.
Good luck and let us know how that convo goes...