A disabling situation
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| Sun, 11-06-2005 - 3:22pm |
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to know that you think about this situation:
A young Professional, turning 30 years old this week, just finishing an MBA, starting a steady job, has her own place and is “Pretty” or so she is told by an unbiased source lol.. Now that her life is on “the right track” she seeks a man to love and share her life with. So, far that part of her life as not been very successful …. What’s might be the reason to explain this situation? Her disability perhaps ……
Say you were this lady, who has a physical disability and you’re looking for love and online. Do you ….
A) Write it straight up in your profile, knowing that your response rate will go down or that Guys will write to tell you are: “a pretty, witty and intelligent woman that they would date you in a heart beat IF you were normal” (that’s the most common answer I got from most guys in daily life) That’s why I decided to start looking online, I thought that would give these gentleman to see my personality first and my crutches second.
B) Don’t mention it at first wait until the moment is right to mention it and give him the opportunity to ask question and respect his decision whatever it is. ( I respect a man that would TELL ME HONESTLY that is not interested in dating me because of my disability or for any other reason ) Realty is that, 7 men of 10 stop writing or calling after I mention this “detail” about myself ….
C) Don’t mention it at all, do you best to establish the strongest communication and “bond “possible …. He will realize my disability when we meet face ….. and if it does matter … I can respect that live with it and I know that I can deal with it … even if he walks out on me .
I have not tried that option yet, but I think that I might. Because, I believe that it highlights my strong personally and it also shows how much being disabled is not that big of an “issue” for me and that it does not rule my life nor prevent me from living my life.
Thanks for taking the time to read this …. I know that I could have entered this in the polling section of the site but I wanted to be able to read your much appreciated replies/ feedback. If you need more info please don’t hesitate to ask.
Winnie

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It's hard not knowing exactly what the disability is, but if it's going to be obvious when you meet I'd probably mention it before then.
Hi,
Thank you for your input. Just I was born with Cerebral Palsy I use crutches to walk, so it is apparent …
Have a good evening and a good week
Winnie
I too have to deal with how and when to divulge a physical limitation. How I feel about it is I do what I would expect others to do. If I meet a man who hasn't told me that he walks with a cane I would find it unfair that he didn't mention it. Because of my disability I have removed all profiles because I don't know when and how to present it. If I present it, much like my weight issue, they don't take the bait. So what's the point?
Good question though. Being honest from the start is the way to go.
F
are you sure you want to do online dating? it definitely does not play to your strengths. i imagine you do best when men to get to know you pretty well before they start thinking of you as a potential mate. with online dating, the guys start judging you as a "match" when you're still a complete stranger. you'll always be "the disabled one," and they'll be on to the next candidate before they have time to know you any better than that. i don't think there's a way to get to know them well enough for them to see beyond it - in real life, sure, but that's just not the dynamic with online dating.
whatever you do, please don't try to blind-side them. terrible idea. some people can get really angry when they feel they've been "wronged," and you don't want to put yourself in that situation... plus, it seems self-defeating. i mean, even if you meet that one-in-a-million guy who's looking for a serious relationship AND likes you AND doesn't see the disability as a big deal, he may well hold it against you that you misrepresented yourself.
I would post it online, personally. That will eliminate those who, for whatever reason, will waste your precious time. I have found that I have recently decided to post a pic, only to eliminate the shallow 'men' (boys) who want to meet Barbie with a paycheck. They can see the real me and they won't waste my time looking for Barbie. I had her beat in brain cells the day I was born, but I'll never look like her. Good luck to you.
E
Winnie,
>Don’t mention it at all, do you best to establish
>the strongest communication and “bond “possible
I am NOT saying that your disability is unattractive but the brutal truth is that a strong "bond" won't compensate for a lack of physical attraction. If you doubt me, try online dating without a picture on your profile. I don't think anyone will be interested in creating a bond until they know what you look like.
>He will realize my disability when we meet face and if it does matter
I hate to say it but I think it always will matter. I think you should mention it in your profile because you have nothing to lose.
Online dating can be harsh because it is about selling yourself to strangers, so your profile has to show everything positive about yourself while being truthful. If you don't mention your condition in your profile, you can mention it after exchanging emails with a match, but that could waste some time if the other person changes their mind after the first meeting. However, I had the experience in the past when people were hiding a certain condition that was not visible and I stuck with them. Had they mentioned it early on before us developing a rapport, it could have scared me, but would have I stuck with them in that case too? Maybe since they have a lot of other things to offer too.
Perhaps the question is would the people who will stick with you after knowing about your disability when they meet you, would they have stuck with you anyway if you told them earlier? And would the people who won't stay with you after the first meeting, would they have left anyway if you had told them earlier? Maybe it's more about the personality of the person you meet. If that is the case, maybe you can mention your situation in your profile and try to surround it with positive news and all the other things you have to offer :)
After all, the people who are looking for a perfect match should realize that they themselves have imperfections and not be so harsh on others.
Katie
I completely disagree with your advice. No participating in anything because of a disability isn't an option. The question was asked how she should approach and you give her advice not to do it at all. Have you ever had a disability in your life? The first thing you do when you do have one is fight the fact that we should sit on the sidelines and let life pass us by.
I appreciate that you have an opinion on this but telling someone not to do something because of a disability wasn't a well thought out idea.
I apologize for this but it really hit a nerve. There are millions of men online and there is more than one who will love us cripples regardless of what other people think.
F
Hi Winnie,
I'm kind of a lurker around here, (because I'm online at work) Anyways, I had read your post yesterday and thought of this gentlemen I had ran across in a yahoo search. I really appreciated his openess and honesty in his profile and his approach was really good I thought you might like to read it to maybe give you some help with your profile. Here is what he wrote in his profile:
<<<<<>>>>>
You sound as though you are a high quality person and have a lot to offer someone. I hope this profile helps you in your answer.
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