The disappearing act guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
The disappearing act guy
7
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:55pm

Well thanks to those of you who gave me advice on the new LD guy who I met a month ago. After several good dates- and lots of the "future" talk- we had made some plans for the next few weekens in that it was my birthday (this weekend) and Valentine's Day. This guy had even introduced me to his Dad and friends- on the 5th date when I came to see him. Right before he was supposed to see me last weekend- he called, cancelled (claiming due to his new house) and then told me he wanted to see me, but his house was stressing him out. Well, its been almost a week and I have not heard from him (I have not called him)- and obviously, he's either not into me or scared- but the bottom line is a guy that bails on my birthday- and can't even give me a phone call- probably doesn't deserve me. It just sucks- because there was no closure.

Anyone on these disappearing guys? And FYI, no sex was involved in this relationship. I jsut don't understand introducing you to family- and then you never hear from them again. This guy is 35, so he's not young.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 1:50pm

It's not limited to young men, by any means...my most recent ex was/is 49 and he just disappeared without a word after a year and a half, and our last conversation was a very positive one! Talk about not having any closure...it's been almost 3 months and I'm still angry about it (but getting closer to being over it, thank goodness).

I think men who do this lack empathy...they are unable or unwilling to put themselves in someone else's shoes and imagine what not hearing from someone you cared about does to you. They just know they don't want to deal with it anymore for whatever reason, and their selfish needs and desires are all that matter to them.

As I posted to you before, however, you need to guard against making the assumption that because introducing someone to your family would mean something to *you*, that it necessarily means something to him.

Not to mention, future talk right off the bat is a HUUUUGE red flag! Guys who do this are almost always infatuation junkies who have no earthly clue about how real relationships (as opposed to those based on fantasy) work.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:08pm

Sheri -- I am relatively new here, so I had no idea that guy did that to you after a year and a half!!! That's so horrible of him. I am truly, truly sorry that happened to you.

Ariel -- Unfortunately, there are men out there who don't understand what it means to be responsible, kind and compassionate. I am also sorry this happened to you. You are right - a guy who bails on you on your birthday really does not deserve you. It's great that you recognize that.

Closure is one of those difficult issues. We don't always get closure from the other person, but I think you have to find closure somehow. I've posted this before -- what I usually do is write a long letter to the guy to get out all my feelings, anger, sadness - and then leave it in a drawer or burn it. That's just my way of getting closure for myself, but I am sure there are other ways.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:27pm

Thanks, I appreciate that. It was a difficult LDR with lots of ups and downs but in our last phone conversation he was saying all sorts of things about re-committing to our relationship, doing his best to strengthen the connection between us, come up for another visit, etc. So when he just stopped calling after that conversation, it was pretty hard to believe...I think that's in part why it's taking a while to move on...I didn't even realize it was over until a couple weeks had passed and he hadn't returned my calls or answered my emails (I do know he's alive from his being active on dating sites since that time). I knew the guy had issues, I just never thought he would disappear without a word after all that we had been through together--supporting him emotionally through his father's death and Hurricane Katrina, among other things (in part because he *told* me more than once he would never do that, ha!). What's been especially hard is that in order to get closure I have to accept that he's a total jerk, and my heart told me differently despite some of the things he did while we were together. I have to admit that I was wrong to believe that despite his issues, he was really a good guy who cared about me, and that's painful to admit.

Anyway, thanks...and Ariel, apologies for going off on a tangent here!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 3:49pm

>>What's been especially hard is that in order to get closure I have to accept that he's a total jerk, and my heart told me differently despite some of the things he did while we were together. <<

I think that's the hardest part. You know someone well, you know his heart, and then he does something like this! It's so difficult to reconcile those two sides of the same person.

My ex from my LTR announced a week before we were supposed to move in together that he "just couldn't do it." I had already packed, given notice at my place, etc. - and he has supposedly given notice at his. This was after five years together. So, I had the same difficulty in realizing that he was really jerking my chain. It actually took us three months after that to officially end things. It was a long, painful breakup.

This is off topic from Ariel's original post, but I feel like it's in the same vein -- accepting that someone is not how you originally perceived him to be and coming to terms with that. Letting go of all the, "but he said he loved me" "but I met his parents" "but he talked about the future..." None of those buts really matter when the guy shows his true colors and splits.

It's really painful, but we all make it through somehow.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 4:13pm

Sheri-

Honestly, on most of what you said I completely agree with- let me clarify on the "future" talk- to me at this point, the future meant that we would actually make plans for that month- meaning Valentine's Day and my birthday- I guess I've been so burned on dating- the "future" talk to me at this point means that I will see him in "the future" LOL.

As for the unexplainable guys- my own sister met someone on OLD- LD- and they talked about getting married on their first date! They got engaged after three months and got married a year and half later- its been almost two years since they got married.
Do I believe in that stuff, no- but I hear about friends its happened to.

I know another girl who met a guy and in six weeks- they got engaged! They are now married and have three kids. Personally, I don't get it- but there are times that you just "click" and it works out in a few months, poof you get married! I don't get it again but it does happen!

That's why I try to hope for the best- but expect the worst!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 4:15pm

So, if this guy came through for your birthday, you would still continue to date him?

He has not called you for a whole week? Stress or no stress, why would you want to deal with somebody who shuts down or is distant when they are stressed? You have only been dating this guy for a month and the key word is "dating"! It's during this time that you really get to know someone. Regardless of your birthday (it's just not about you), there are other issues going on.

As far as meeting the Dad and children, you are an active participant in this relationship. I've been in situations where the guy wanted me to meet his family (sometimes, it was just because I might have been meeting him in a location where his family was at -- not necessarily him trying to make an introduction) where I stated that I would prefer you deal with your family and I will meet you afterwards. Many women tend to think that when they meet a man's family, then "woo-hoo, this man wants to have a relationship with me"! Sorry, but to plenty men, meeting their family means no such thing! I know for a fact that some men's mothers have met all of their son's girlfriends (while dating several at a time).

As far as disappearing guys, they come in all ages!! Regardless, this guys has given some clues, but you refuse to see them. Closure? His disappearing for a week should be enough! Plenty of fish in the sea, move on!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 5:20pm

It's about manners, and many men simply don't have any. They say and do a lot of things they do not mean. They say what sounds good at the time but make no effort to follow through with anything. By all means, I would be ticked off if a guy said he'd take me out for my birthday or another holiday and then bails without another word from him. I think birthdays, holidays, and other special events are more meaningful with someone special in your life. When that someone special pulls a disappearing act, that is even more painful than when it happens at other times.

I also agree that meeting family should be a big factor in the dating process. What is the point of introducing them to anyone in your family if you don't plan on dating them again? I am careful not to introduce guys to my family until I'm sure that we are going to be a couple. But there is no guarantee that a guy will feel the same way when he introduces a girl to his Mom or Dad. I think that is especially important when it comes to dates meeting the other person's children. Why expose kids to that unless you don't care what your kid thinks of your dating life or if you've had a revolving door of people in and out of your life and the kid isn't phased by it. Personally, I would take note of something like that if I dated someone with kids and they introduced me to them too soon.

You have legitimate gripes, and I also know what lack of "closure" means. I've been there. Sometimes you never totally forget some things, but time truly does help heal. You have to tell yourself that it was HIS loss, not yours.