Disappearing Act

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Disappearing Act
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 9:33am

I'm relatively new to the online dating world and am went into it pretty casually. I'm not looking to find the love of my life -- just someone to go on dates with now and then.

A few weeks ago a received a fantastic email from a very cute guy. The email was creative and showed that he really put some thought into it. More than that, he seemed to have tons of the qualities I'm looking for in a guy and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. So I emailed him back and two days later got a response that again told me "this guy has potential." In his second email he alluded to wanting to hang out, and in his third he outright asked me to meet up going as far as to list times that he was free and suggest a few potential spots. I wrote back saying that I'd love to meet up and telling him when I was free and then... nothing. I haven't heard from him in a week.

I know that in the past week he's been busy having started school and from what I can tell, not been online too much. I understand that there are a million things that can get in the way of 'moving forward' (i.e. emailing someone back, going on a date with them), and that he has no obligation to me after only a few emails, but I'm dying to know what happened. He was obviously interested, even if only for a short period of time. He contacted me first, was forward about wanted to get to know me in his emails, and he asked me out. So why do I feel so duped?!

I think I already know the answer to this but, should I email him again? Is it worth reaching out with something very short?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 7:34am
I've had that happen several times, but I also am guilty of it too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 3:57am

For what it's worth... I'm experiencing all these things with women, both online and in-person...

Showing initial online interest in me, then flaking out.

Emailing back and forth, then disappearing when it's time to exchange phone numbers and/or meet.

Cancelling dates for bogus reasons... then not responding to further emails...

Meeting, dating, experiencing "enthusiastic, non-plantonic physical interaction" (whatever that means, lol)... then flaking out the next day... etc.

In fact I googled it tonight, and saw POF forum discussions addressing this very issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 11:22am

Thanks for the feedback. It's helpful (though not promising) to hear that disappearing is normal in OLD.

Entering the single dating world this past fall after being in relationships for a few years, I had high hopes of keeping above it all. There are a million reasons why dating and relationships don't work out early on -- everything from I'm just not that interested to I got busy to I met someone else -- and I know that it's not worth it to obsess when things fall though. Unfortunately, I'm learning that I'm human and sometimes just can't help getting my hopes up or being disappointed. It's nice to know other people are here with me. :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 11:33pm

Unfortunately, these "disappearing acts" are standard with OLD. I've had guys who disappeared even after three or four "successful" dates, one time after the guy had "invited" me for a date the next weekend and said he would call to work out the details. And he was gone.

One guy that e-mailed me a lot of charming e-mails (he was moving in from out of town and was planning on our first date when he came in to take possession of his new apartment) talked to me on the phone and we planned what we would do on our first date. He said he'd call me the next day, and never did. Months later I heard from him again and he acted like nothing had happened. He said his trip had been delayed but he was now in town. He wanted to go out. I wasn't terribly interested after the way he'd behaved, but I figured, why not. I agreed to meet and at the last minute he phoned to say he couldn't make it. I didn't hear from him again until last week when he included me in a mass e-mail to all his friends on the subject of Health Care Reform. (He is not in politics or the health care business.)

I've come to believe that there are guys out there so insecure that they can't go through with the date because it would mean confronting the reality that we might not like them. And I would guess there are also guys who are talking to several women at the same time and when they "click" with one in particular, they simply forget the others.

In any case, I agree that it is time to move on, though I can't say I've ever been able to avoid wondering what went wrong. I no longer think that it was anything I did/failed to do, though.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2009
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 2:46pm

Don’t bother emailing him again or wondering/speculating about ‘what happened’, or making excuses for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 11:32pm

Don't email him back.