Discouraged - online dating for 50 +

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Discouraged - online dating for 50 +
21
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 10:45am
So..I am extricating myself from an almost 7 year relationship, and decided to check out online dating sites. 7 years ago I posted my profile on several of them. I have a unique problem, as I live in a very remote area. I did meet a few men, however, that were willing to make the long journey.
Here is the discouraging part...I still see the same profiles on these sites that I saw 7 years ago!! Are these serial online daters? Are they men that think the grass is always greener on the other side, or there is always going to be something better out there?
Just as an aside, the reason that I broke up with the bf was that I found he had been posting his profile on at least one online dating site. That is such a betrayal - I had no clue.
Also, I would like to hear from other people that are 50+ years old. I am 55 - and really feeling the pressure of time. Will I ever find somebody to spend the rest of my life with in a committed relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:44am

Hi I am fifty and relatively new to online dating (only been doing it a few months, haven't met that many guys or been on so many dates). I can say than in the four months or so that I've been on match.com, I've noticed there is not a lot of variety for our age-group-- especially if one is looking for a guy who is college educated and not too hideous.

So far, I haven't been too frustrated though because I wasn't expecting too much. I went into this for the experience, not because I think I will necessarily fine my Prince. I think this attitude helps me.

I agree that it can be very discouraging.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 8:24am

Is it a generational thing? to me, at age 38, online dating doesn't seem to be so unusual. But to a man of 50ish maybe it seems like an unacceptable method? I'm only musing.

I have a guy friend who is 54 and always single. He just lost interest over time in pursuing women. In fact, when I met him, he spent a lot of time trying to convince me I was not interested and shared all his negative qualities with me. I decided I was in for a friendship so I could overlook much of that and i enjoy his company just fine. But he would never have initiated a relationship with me or anyone else. I don't see him ever marrying.

I think if I were beginning to date and my kids were grown and gone, I'd be more inclined to look in social settings such as church or volunteer groups, etc than think that OLD would be the best method.

And I wouldn't want to live in a remote area just because I need the company of people...something I know about myself and have to accept despite an appreciation for country living.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:05am

I am 45, but I know how hard it is to find someone remotely close to your own age who has their head on straight. I have met at least 2-3 men from online who did not seem to know what they wanted when it came to women or they had some fantasy of the woman they wanted. One guy did remove his profile, but I have no clue if he's in a relationship now or has sworn off women at this point. I look back now and wonder what I saw in him--he was good looking but his personality was selfish and narrow-minded. We were not a match, but I still took his "rejection" really hard as he came on strong and seemed so interested in me in the beginning.

The distance factor is one I've talked about a number of times. I also live in a rural area and am in no position to move at this point in my life. I think some men SAY that distance is not a factor, but I believe it is even if they are interested in the woman. The reality of making the effort is a lot easier said than done. Most guys do not want to make the effort to maintain a long distance romance. I think, more times than not, the relationship doesn't last due to distance; although I have heard stories where one moved to be with the other and eventually married. I believe it can happen, but I don't see that scenario happening for me.

I have often thought that with age came wisdom and maturity. I have found that a majority of the men I have met via OLD have developed very little of either of those qualities. All were 40+, so I have come to the conclusion that women still have more sense when it comes to dating and what to expect and how to act. We know (for the most part) what is normal and what is not, but many of us continue to run into men who seem more like high school guys when it comes to dating and making any effort to meet someone. There seems to be lack of drive and iniative on their part. Or they have "life issues" that impair their ability to maintain a relationship. What they fail to see is that everyone has problems in their lives. It just takes some common sense to decide what is important and how to juggle it all. Most men I've met don't have the stamina to hold it all together. That is why there are so many stories on this board. It is a different guy each time, but very similar stories.

I wish I had some upbeat advice for you, but don't settle for someone who is not willing to make the effort to meet or date you. I've been the one to make more effort than the guy on several occasions and it never panned out for me in the end. If they are interested, they will make the effort. If not, they are not worth your time.




Edited 7/12/2006 11:50 am ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:13pm

Mitsy, you make some very good points!

Over on the Dating as a Single Parent board, the guideline is that if a guy is 50+ and never been married, there is a good reason for it!

My plan: never expect to meet the love of my life while online dating (or any other kind of dating, frankly). My goal is to meet single men and have fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 7:10pm

I was married for 23 years... divorced now for a bit over 9 years... Ive been trying OLD for about 4 years and really haven't had that much success with Match.Com. I need to state that I live at least 100 miles from anything that resembles a large city. Some time ago, I placed a profile on Chemistry.Com ... didnt really understand how it worked, and quickly forgot about it. I do remember that in completing the profile, that they did ask a great deal of information, and that Chemistry does the matching instead of leaving it to each member to sort through the profiles. I find the Match.Com approach to really be "hit-or-miss"... A few weeks ago, I received a 'statement of interest' from a woman who, to me, sounded like a great potential match. We have traded emails, and met last weekend. We find each other to be physically attractive.. we both have graduate degrees and are professionals, we had SO much to talk about and have talked every night since last weekend. We are going to see each other this weekend and are both excited about it.

I don't know what the "secret" is to being successful, other than just not giving up.
Life is good right now.

Jim (54)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:51am

That is such encouraging news! I also went through the rather onerous task of completing the personality profile on Chemistry a few days ago...then realized it was almost $60/month to subscribe, so there I sit! I did have lots of emails stacking up in match.com, so went ahead and subscribed so I could answer them. However, I listed myself in the closest big city - and when people find out I live almost 200 miles away, that puts a damper on the situation!

I think my online name on both Chemistry and match is the same, rapunzel_51, so I suppose I still stand a chance to have somebody show interest even with my distance handicap.
I am truly at the edge of the universe, however. It is like being surrounded by a moat, although the moat is comprised of mountains and high desert!

It is also helpful to read that you had your profile posted for 4 years or so until you found somebody with whom you "clicked". I was beginning to think there was a whole bunch of serial online daters, convinced that the grass was always going to be greener in some other pasture, always having lots of fishing poles in the water trying to reel in the big catch. In the "old days", before the the technoligical equivilent of being a kid in a candy store with all these profiles readily available at the click of a mouse, it seems that a couple would have to really strive to make their relationship work. Now, if things get a little rough, just turn on the computer and look for somebody else. Heaven knows the first stages of courtship are a lot more exciting than working out the complexities between two personalities in order to have a life together.

Thanks for sharing your positive experience! It give me a glimmer of hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:55pm

"In the "old days", before the the technoligical equivilent of being a kid in a candy store with all these profiles readily available at the click of a mouse, it seems that a couple would have to really strive to make their relationship work. Now, if things get a little rough, just turn on the computer and look for somebody else."

I have said this time and time again in many of my posts, but you explained it better than I could have. If there is a smidgeon of attraction on both parties, then it stands to reason that it might be worth spending some time with the other person in order for a relationship to develop. There are just too many men who I think do believe the grass is always greener on the other side. My belief is this: if you are looking to find someone compatible to date and hopefully have a future together, that requires some effort and determination on "both" parties.

I think too many times the woman ends up doing the pursing and all the work. Then when the guy "knows" he has the woman, he gets cold feet, has 2nd thoughts, or starts to wonder how badly he wants "this one". I'm imagining a guy holding a fish thinking that there might be a better one if he throws this one back. This flippant attitude I've seen with men online is quite shocking, even after I've been doing this for over a year. That is why I've basicallly taken a hiatus from it for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 10:09am

I read somewhere that online dating is one of the major ways that people 45 and older date. The problem with meeting people in church groups and volunteer activities is that after a certain age the assumption is that you are either attached or not looking. So it is difficult to signal that one is "available" and a lot of people find it uncomfortable to make a move toward someone who might be offended because "it should be obvious" that they are not interested. OLD gathers together people who are "available."

I think the main reason that "the pickings" for women get less good in OLD after around age 45 is that "most of the good ones are taken." This is true whether we are doing OLD or meeting people in social events or volunteer work. After a divorce, a middle-aged man is more likely to remarry (or somehow become reattached) than his spouse. (Yes, I know lots of exceptions, but I am talking about general trends.) And because men tend to look for younger women, a lot of the "good catches" in their fifties are looking for women in their forties, not fifties. More than once on Match I have come across profiles that looked attractive of men a couple of years older than me who had as the top age they were looking for a woman of 48.

I feel fortunate in that I don't think I "need" a partner. So once I got the dating going with Match, I've just been enjoying the experience for itself. But none of the men who have been interested in me have been men with whom I would want long term relationships.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 10:21am

Mitsy,

I don't think that most middle-aged men are less "mature" and so forth than the average woman in the same age-bracket, but I will agree that this seems the case among the middle-aged (and older) men in OLD. (And probably among all unattached men in that age bracket.)

Yet I am comparing these men to women I know in real life who are not always unattached. So my generalization is probably unfair. For all I know, a large proportion of the women in their forties and fifties who are doing OLD do not have their heads screwed on too well either. It's just that I am not trying to date them. ;)

My feeling is that, whether we like it or not, as we get older the pickings get less good. The best ones (male or female) are more likely to pair off and stay paired than the ones with some serious flaws. This is discouraging for those of us who are among "the best ones" (or think we are ;) ) but have been mismatched/unmatched by fate.

I'm tired of OLD. I am going on a second date with a guy tonight, and I am not looking forward to it. So far I haven't dated any guy more than twice because none of them has really interested me. They are losers. They whine about their lives, obsess about their lack of success, become clingy too soon and generally don't make good company.

Like you, I don't have a rosy picture to paint. Luckily, I don't feel a strong need to pair off. If I did, I would be very sad.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 10:38am

Jim,

That is absolutely great!!

I too filled out the Chemistry.com thing. I was one of the people who got it for free as part of my Match.com membership. So far, however, none of the matches offered have been any good. In fact, a fair number of them are people who haven't finished filling out their profiles and/or paid.

The funniest match by far has to have been my ex-husband. As I told him when I shared the joke with him, Chemistry was somewhat right. We were a good match for around 18 years. (We divorced after 20.)

Neither Chemistry nor E-Harmony (which I joined in a fit of insanity, but luckily at a considerable discount, as some of you may remember) has so far given me anything remotely resembling a suitable match who was interested in me. Chemistry did produce two guys I was interested in. One terminated the connection after seeing my picture. (Now I keep my picture available all the time. Why develop a connection with someone who may have unrealistic expectations of what I look like in their minds?) The other never replied. I suspected he was not a paying user. This second guy turned up on E-harmony and showed interest in me when I first joined. He was one of the main reasons I joined (as some here may remember). But he lost interest after the first round of questions. (I think that is actually very strange. Those questions don't tell me enough to decide if I want to meet someone or not.)

Most of the other matches from both Chemistry and E-Harmony have been bizarre in the extreme. For example, I keep getting matched with guys who don't have my level of education and/or who are outdoor-oriented when I am very much an indoor person. Then there are the super-religious. Only today I had to turn down yet another possible match with a minister, no less!

In short, so far my experience of Match has been better than my experience of Chemistry or E-Harmony. At least with Match I am getting to date some guys and get out a little. But if Chemistry or E-Harmony were suddenly to match me with someone who seemed "just right" like you have been, I am sure I would change my mind about them. :)

Good luck!

Elsa

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