Discouraged With Online Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Discouraged With Online Dating
51
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 4:07pm

I was just wondering am I the only one that is not having any luck with online dating? For those of you that have met people did it take you a long time? I tried eharmony, but only had two dates off of that neither which were good matches for me. I recently joined match.com and I am having bad luck with that site. It seems to me that match has alot of guys, but most of them seem like players and not very sincere. I also feel that online dating is making me doubt myself. I am in my 30's and I am wondering for most people having luck with this if they are in a different age group. I would love to hear other people's experiences with this.

Thank you,
Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 6:32pm
Hal, that is my exact point! When you made the statement <<I said that OLD appeals to people who are shy, lonely, jilted or for whatever reason don’t lead an active social life>>
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 6:38pm

Kerry,

To answer your question, I've done OLD on and off for about 5 years. I'd say that was quite long enough to give it the old college try. And, about 4 years too long.

Here comes one of those generalizations again....Oh oh!!! I'm going to be 50 in 2 months. Although there are exceptions to the rule, it's been my experience that many men in my age group aren't interested in 50 year old women. Why would they want some 50 year old menopausal hag when they can get some 30something hottie? Not too tough of a choice.

If I had a quarter for every man from OLD who emailed me after our meet and told me that I wasn't attractive enough for them to date, I'd be a rich woman. I guess that hiding behind the technology gives them license to say rude and hurtful things to people that they would never say to their face. I tried not to take it personally, but that's just about as personal as it gets.

Frankly, the thick skin that I started out with 5 years ago is down to bones. It's time to stop torturing myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:21pm

I stopped internet dating early last summer and met a great guy in the real world a month later. We're now in a committed relationship and very happy.

I found internet dating to be very challenging. I just didn't like the idea that a guy was picking women from hundreds of pictures on the internet. There seemed to be no real excitement or sincerity to it. I think you can do it if you have very thick skin and an enormously positive attitude, in general. If you are at all cynical, I would advise against it.

I met my guy at a friend's barbeque. It's about getting out and living life. You can't worry about it. Do things that you enjoy for the sake of enjoyment rather than looking for men. Enlarge your group of friends. Be social. Get on with life and when you stop looking, you will find him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:02pm

Very nice post dark star.

SP

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:59pm

I am sure you mean well with this post but for those of us who ARE out there living our lives, in addition to doing OLD, this kind of post is just a slap in the face. It makes me feel like I must be living my life *wrong* or something because I don't ever meet men to date while I'm out living my life. I am very social, have a wide range of friends, do a wide variety of activities, etc., but dateable 40 and 50 something single men (and I am VERY open as to what "dateable" means but I do have a few standards and a reasonable level of emotional health and integrity is one of them) don't magically appear. If I didn't do OLD, I would never have any dates, and I'm just not willing to give up...yet.

If I hear one more person say to stop looking, I think I will scream. Of course you won't be able to hear me, but I'll still be screaming ;-). I *am* getting on with my life...but to me, that doesn't mean that actively doing what I can to bring myself into contact with dateable single guys isn't and shouldn't be part of it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:51am

cl-bklynchik,

I don't want to drag this out but I really don't understand why you think what I said is insulting so I hope you can explain it to me.

"OLD appeals to people who are shy, lonely, jilted or for whatever reason don’t lead an active social life"

1) Shy people use OLD. Shy people have told me that OLD appeals to them because they find it difficult to approach strangers.

2) Lonely People use OLD. There are lots of lonely people in the world who would like to find a soul mate. Many people have relocated because of work and have no friends or family around. OLD appeals to them.

3) People who have just come out of a relationship turn to OLD. I have read it so many times.

4) There are single parents, shift workers, students etc who don't have much spare time or money. OLD appeals to them because it is convenient and relatively inexpensive.

>it is insulting to those of us who use OLD
>are we not people who OLD appeals to?

Frankly I think what you are saying is insulting. You use OLD but there is NO WAY you want to be thought of as Shy, Lonely, Jilted or Busy!! Do you consider it a stigma?

It reminds of the case when a famous singer was suing a newspaper publisher because they implied he was gay. His actions upset that gay community and in retaliation they held up placards outside the courthouse that read "Call me straight and I'll sue".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 3:30am

It's good that you found someone. The problem is we are constantly reminded that OLD should supplement our life. We are told to go out, have fun and socialise in the real world and just use OLD to "increase our odds" of finding someone. This is all very well and good if you are an extrovert, live in a big city and/or have a wide social circle but what about people who don't have any of those qualities? What advice can be given to those people reading your post?

There are extremely shy people who just cannot face walking into a bar alone. This is like encouraging someone that is terrified of heights to do a sky dive. It's simple to say "Just get in the plane and when it reaches the right height count to 3 and jump"

What practical advice can be given to people who aren't having much luck with OLD but DEPEND HEAVILY on it? Will it always be "You need a thick skin, a positive attitude and a real life"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 4:56am

Hal, I don't think it's that

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:53pm

Karalyn- I recently posted about my friend who is naive- (friend who is VERY trusting)- and I'd love your thoughts.

I agree with you- I have done match and j-date- and many men do not write women back- and trust me, these a good looking successful women! It makes you feel like a loser.

I find that I can have a lot of 1st dates- and very few second dates. People often do not seem to want to settle down, there still seems to be the "bigger, better deal thing"- trust me, I am also in my 30s and completely frusterated.

Then, I have this friend (who lives in a different city) who seems to have 3-4 dates a week, with all men she claims are great guys. (Personally as I have said, most of them sound like players to me and wanting sex)- but from listening to her, you'de think I was dating on another planet. I think sometimes its best to take a break and wait for new guys to come into the mix.

I don't know, I'm still single but I agree with you- its often like finding a needle in a haystack.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:06am

I've been following this thread with great interest this week. I just canceled my match membership and felt such a sense of relief that I know I did the right thing. (Although I don't know what all those 60-something geezers are going to do now that I'm gone :) I've been OLD-ing for almost 2 years, with breaks, and it's just gotten so depresssing. What's really depressing though, is that my experience is similar to Sheri's: if it weren't for OLD I wouldn't date at all. But to be honest, right now that sounds pretty good.

And I absolutely HATE it when people say to just stop looking and then you'll meet someone. Uh huh, right. There've been times in my life when I did stop looking (mainly because of dating burnout) and guess what? I didn't meet anyone.

Ann - I'm still stunned that guys told you that you weren't pretty enough for them to date. When you mentioned this months ago, I'm the one who said these guys must've been raised by wolves (I stand by my theory :). No doubt about it - anonymity of OLD and email brings out the rudeness in some people big time. And too many men, at least in my area, no matter how old they are, have the kid in the candy store syndrome, and imply that I should feel blessed they even gave me the time of day.