Discussing inability to have children!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Discussing inability to have children!!
12
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:29pm

The title is not accurate, but the post is even more complicated. Yet, I've received some excellent advice on this board (thank you , all!!!!), so here I am spilling my gust here...

I am 33, single, never married, and do want to have children; yet, since there is history of mental illness in my family that can have hereditary nature, I am not sure it’s advisable to have my own, biological children. Now, the question is how to talk about that to a potential partner, especially when, with OLD, men tend to bring that up (at least with me) in the early stages of dating (date 2-4). Here is some background, if you need it: according to various studies/websites, my children will have 6 % chance of developing schizophrenia, and that only when my partner has no known family history of mental illness.

Now, this is only with one immediate relative (brother/sister in this case) developing a psychosis. In my family the story is more complicated than that. My brother committed suicide – he had a shcizoaffective disorder: a socially debilitating and, in his case, degenerative condition combining the symptoms of a major catatonic (meaning that during his episodes. he stopped eating, talking, reacting to verbal or sensory stimuli) depression with mild schizophrenia; my grand mother had been hospitalized numerous times for major depression; she also had, what I think is, a borderline personality – paranoia, difficulties trusting others, etc., etc.; her sister had a bipolar disorder.

The reason I am sharing all this info is that I don’t exactly know what to make of it myself (obviously the 6 % chance is going to be higher, given the extended history of mental illness in my family) and, to complicate things further, I don’t know how to share all this with a person I am dating without sending them running. They might think that I am also at danger of developing a mental condition, which is actually not true. At this age, and given the numerous stressors in my life that could have triggered depression and/or psychosis, but didn’t. In the span of two years I lost my much loved mother to cancer, and my brother, whom I was exceptionally close to, and I also broke up with a partner of almost 8 years, and had another break up with a boyfriend of 6 months -- so, I am very unlikely to develop any of these things… at least according to a psychiatrist I consulted…He said I was very resilient, can handle crisis well, etc. But it is still difficult to share all this without sounding like a nutcase. Yet, these men do ask me : “So, do you want to have children?” (or how many do you want) and I feel compelled to say something…

Of course this whole thing is not well researched: some scholars believe that mental illness is a combination of hereditary and environmental factors (in other words, upbringing, supportive family environment, good socialization, etc. are as important as good genes). To complicate things further, no genetic testing is really available as of now, it just empirical data that shows that mental illness tends to run in families, when it comes to schizophrenia and/or bi-polar or depression (from what I have researched…)

Nevertheless, my feelings is that I need to be honest about the complicated issues surrounding my choice to have (or not have?) my own biological children and I do think my partners should be aware of this. Think of it as some reproductive problem (although, to be honest – and without trying to play victim here – I think it is more complicated than that, due to the stigma attached to mental illness), what would you recommend? Also, based on my rambling post (and I do apologize for its length) do you think I am overthinking all of this? Should I just wait to know the person, and then share my fears? Yet, I don’t want to develop feeling for someone and then feel rejected for things I have no control over (and what is worse, they might think I misled them)

I would really, really appreciate your input!!!! Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:37am

After reading some more of your posts, I just wanted to share this, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 1:24pm

Hey Countrygirl!

Thank you so much for both your posts:yes, you are right, your story is an inspiration for me. It is very encouraging to see somebody who has a similar family backrgound (in terms of mental health) and who is determined to lead a happy life and have her own children!!!! This really helped!!!

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