Discussing STD's with a possible partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Discussing STD's with a possible partner
17
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:40am

I'm curious how other people on this board go about discussing STD issues of being tested with someone that they are considering getting intimate with in a progressing relationship. I'm not including casual sex here of course. It's a tricky subject and I'd like to know how any of you have handled this one.

Thanks,
Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:54am

Ahem. I just had this conversation with the gal I'm seeing now. We were on the couch doing some serious kissing and snuggling, and came up for air for a minute. As a way of introduction, she started talking about family and what hers would think of someone she brought home. (She immigrated here when she was a little girl.)

She said that one thing that would be very distressing to her family would be an unplanned pregnancy, so she was going to the doctor soon for a checkup and to review her birth control options, and while she didn't think we were quite to "that phase" of our relationship yet (meaning we weren't going to make the double-backed monster that night) she was curious about my thoughts on the matter.

We went on to talk a bit about sexual health and she was fairly matter-of-fact, saying that she would be tested at her checkup and she expected me to do so as well, because her health was important to her.

I thought this was a perfect way to put it- not judgemental about me, simply laying out what mattered to her and what was important to her. She told me her expectations and why.

You are right, it IS a tricky subject. I'm thinking of my ex-gf and am a bit ashamed to admit that we handled it poorly- when we got to that phase, she just said she was on the pill and so we went for it. Nothing was said about checking for STDs; the little talk we had about condoms was in the context of birth control.

The worst threat in STD-land these days (besides HIV, of course, which can kill you but which is fortunately still fairly rare, especially among heterosexuals- small consolation if you get it, but the truth) is probably chlamydia.

Chlamydia is a nasty one because it can lead to sterility, but it's particulary nasty because people can have it and NOT KNOW IT. I had it many years ago and man, believe me, I KNEW it. (I thought my pecker was turning into a dragon, because it was spitting fire whenever I had to pee!) But lots of people get it and spread it and never have a clue that they've been doing so.

But of course all the other various STDs are no picnic either. The point is that the only way we can get treated (and even if we have something that's viral, like HIV or herpes or HPV, they're manageable and people live decades with them) is if we get tested. And the only way we can slow or stop the spread of these things is to be open and honest and get tested.

Sooo... we gotta get tested. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:10pm
Great post, NGOL. Especially since it seems to me there is major denial among heterosexuals about HIV in particular and STD's in general.
I read recently that most straight guys won't use a condom unless their partner insists. And a lot of women don't insist. It is still relatively rare for a guy to get HIV from a woman and I think a lot of guys hear that and use it as justification for not using condoms. Guys in my age bracket (40s) seem especially resistant to them. The younger guys I've dated have been much more willing to use condoms.
I was tested recently because it was bugging me that I had never gone for an HIV test even though I had had unprotected sex (not often, but still). The relief at being negative made me resolve to be much safer in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 3:24pm

Nice Guy,

Thanks for your post. Yes it is a tricky subject to bring up, but one I think is very important. I was tested last summer for everything during my yearly physical and everything was fine. I've had protected sex since, but still you wonder as everything isn't 100%. Although one guy slipped off the condom and thought I wouldn't notice...I was like - what are you doing and he just acted stupid and said it slipped off - I thought yeah with the help of your hand! That was the end of that escapade! I was a little more into casual sex then but got tired of the non-feeling part afterward so haven't been with anyone in awhile now.

But thanks for sharing the talk you had with your new girl and giving me some ideas. I believe I will approach it with the guy I am seeing like that also as to what is important to me. I have the birth control issue covered for myself as I am 45 and don't want anymore children (I have two - 21 and 25). We talked last week about children as I saw no sense in continuing a relationship if he wanted kids, as he doesn't have any and is younger than me, 37, and he said no he doesn't. So that one is out of the way! But I feel this STD issue will be a little more tricky to talk about, but there are possibilities here with him, so we'll see...

Also, there is a birth control called The Ring which my daughter is on and really likes. It's this little clear open ring about the size of a quarter that a woman inserts once a month vaginally and it remains there for 3 weeks then is removed for a week, nothing else required. It releases the hormones like birth control pills do, timed release I'm sure, but it is much easier since you don't have to remember to take a pill every day. Just a little FYI.

Thanks for the additional info you shared also on STDs.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 3:47pm

Hi icarrie,

I think you are right that most guys don't want to wear condoms and will try not to if the lady lets them. Women don't particularly like the feeling of them either, but why take a chance with everything that is out there! That's just inviting a disease!

You said alot of women don't insist that a guy uses a condom, well not in my group of friends - we always use them! When I was more into casual sex, I made sure to have them with me because guys would act like they didn't have one and then when I produced one would try to talk me out of it insisting that they were clean, etc. I'd say well no condom no sex, so they'd change their minds. But of the ladies I know, we insist on condoms.

You said, "...Guys in my age bracket (40s) seem especially resistant to them. The younger guys I've dated have been much more willing to use condoms..." I agree with you. The younger guys I've been with are more prepared with condoms and just assume we will use them, where the over 40 crowd usually still tries to talk their way out of them.

A guy friend of mine has been having casual sex lately and I've been bugging him about wearing a condom and he says he is, but I think he lied this last time when I asked him and I knew he was lieing and said so. I told him I had condoms he could have if he needed them, since I sure haven't been using them (yes I feel like a nun lately)! I said now you're going to have to get tested and he didn't like to hear that and tried to change the subject.

You said, "...it seems to me there is major denial among heterosexuals about HIV in particular and STD's in general..." Yes I agree, my friend I mentioned above is a good example of that!

I am glad you are being much safer now since you got your negative HIV test. I hope that you were tested for STDs then and that was negative also.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 7:23pm

This came up with me and my current bf about 2 months ago. I said to him:

"I've just had my yearly pap, and i got tested and everything is fine. I would like for you to be tested too before we go all the way because my well-being is a very big priority to me, especially where STDs are concerned."

He agreed. Got tested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:08am

Hi Sunshine,

I did go get birth control during the one relationship I had (unfortunately, the mutt butt!)in the last 8 months. I discussed all options with my doctor, who is wonderfully informed and open. He felt that the ring may be a problem for a woman over 40, and it Can slip. I used the "Patch" and was very happy with it. You put it,say, on your upper hip and it is thin,stays on, and does not show in clothing. I actually did wear one with a bikini this summer, but...ooops, when they say you can get it wet, they did not mean soak it in a pool for hours, although on the tv commercial, you see a girl at the beach..I hope she brought condoms on their vacation, too! :) My pharmacy let me buy a single patch in that incident, and I put it back on and things were fine. My body had no trouble getting into a regular cycle in the week you are 'off'.

Also, if things end and you do not need it, just do not put the next patch on...it seemed a lot easier for my body to handle the estrogen and progesterone coming from it, and I did not gain any weight in the 2 months I used it.

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 4:08pm

Hi mira elith,
Thank you for sharing your discussion with your boyfriend. It can be a tricky thing to talk about and it sounds like you handled it very matter of factly. I'm glad it went so good for you.

Hi Cupcake,
My daughter is the one using The Ring and she is 25, but I will mention to her what you said about your doc saying it can slip. She loves not having to take pills everyday and has used the patch also and it was good for her also. But I guess she decided to try The Ring instead.

I have been on a low estrogen/progesterone pill now for about 6 months and seem to be doing fine. I just didn't want to take the chance of a condom breaking and me getting pregnant at 45! That would be terrible - just when I'm enjoying life so much and done with having children! I was lucky in that I didn't have any weight gain from the pill. But if I were a smoker or had any circulation problems they wouldn't put me on it because of my age, but my doctor said I'm in very good health and there should be no problems, and there hasn't been, luckily. I just wish it helped with PMS!

Thanks again for all of the replies. Enjoy your day!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:42am

Hey there,

I haven't been around much, because my 2nd OLD date has turned out to be wonderful... we have hit it off, and have gone to exclusivity...(is that the word?)

We just had this converstation the other night. We are definitely going to go to the next level, and I managed to get up the nerve to discuss STD's, condoms, b/c, monogomy, etc. Having been out of this relm for YEARS (I am just divorced after a 10 year marriage) I can say that even back THEN when I met my ex-husband, we just jumped in bed, and didn't worry about it. Now, With two children of my own, and my guy has one of his own, we KNOW the risks of our fertility, as well as the overall risk of STD's. I will be the first to admit, that we were not tested, but both came straight out of monogomous marriages... and haven't been with anyone else since. The conversation is so necessary, that I think it may have been a "red flag" or "deal breaker" if it didn't go correctly.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:59am

just a note regarding Nuvaring - I've been using it for over a year and love it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:42pm

>>I will be the first to admit, that we were not tested, but both came straight out of monogomous marriages... and haven't been with anyone else since. The conversation is so necessary, that I think it may have been a "red flag" or "deal breaker" if it didn't go correctly.<<

The conversation might have gone well, but I think you already screwed up.

You DO need to be tested, and so does he, and you both need to see each other's paperwork.

I know that sounds brutal, but you have no idea what his ex was like or what/who she was doing on the side. He knows you now, but he probably didn't know you before you split with your hubby; how is he supposed to know that you didn't go on a short little string of "get the husband out of the system" one-night stands that you're now ashamed about and would never admit to him?

(I'm not saying you DID; I'm saying that he truly has no way of knowing whether you did or didn't, and you don't know whether HE did or didn't.)

Go get tested, and get him to do the same.

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