Disillusioned w/Online Dating
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| Mon, 10-10-2005 - 12:28pm |
I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, but today I feel burned out with the whole internet dating scene. I have met three men via either yahoopersonals or another dating site. While it seems that there are a number of available men on these sites, finding someone even half-way close to what you want seems pretty dismal.
Guy number one and I e-mailed sporadically for a month or so. I really liked him when we met, but it was obvious that he had very little time for a dating relationship. He messaged me after that intitial meeting and we talked online a bit more. But, after not hearing back from him after another e-mail, I basically wrote him off. I thought he just wasn't interested.
Guy number two and I e-mailed for a shorter period of time but more often. He also started calling me daily before we actually met. I liked having more contact and getting to know him before we met. I had seen his photos and thought he was a great looking guy. We had 3 dates, and there was spark/attraction, and I thought that this actually might be a "normal" long-term relationship. We had some differences, but on the major stuff, we seemed to agree on a lot of things. However, the whole thing was going way too fast. I started to care for him (which apparently scared the hell out of him). He wanted someone stable who he could talk to and was attracted to and didn't do the bar scene. He said I was all the things he wanted and needed, but he still "bailed" on me. We talked a few more times after his disappearing act, and it looked like he actually might come around. Haven't heard from him in over 3 weeks now. Still feeling bad about that one.
Guy number three and I instant messaged for almost 2 weeks. We finally talked on the phone the other night and met for dinner last night. It was apparent that this guy would want sex probably much sooner than I was willing to give it, but I agreed to meet him anyway (we live within a half-hour of each other). Upon meeting him, he didn't look as much like his photos as I thought he would and he did not appear to be the ladies' man he tried to portray. I had little (if any) attraction towards the guy. He instant messaged me again (when I wasn't around) last night and asked "what I thought?". He admitted that he was a bit quiet in public, and actually I found it somewhat hard to talk to him in person. I wrote back that I thought about our different views about sex and said that I could not agree to having casual sex with someone. I had to get to know someone better. His theory was that a lot of women use sex as a bargaining tool, which some might. I told him that my emotions tended to get too tied up with someone (even before sex was a possibility) and that it would be even a more emotional thing for me when I did sleep with a guy. I tried not to be accusatory or judgemental with him, and I honestly kidded myself into thinking that maybe I would have a lot more attraction for the guy than I did. Maybe it was wrong to meet him for dinner.
In any event, I'm beginning to feel like the odds of finding someone who actually fits me is getting harder and harder. While I know people add their profiles to sites daily, it's hard to find someone within a reasonable driving distance to where you live. I just don't believe the long-distance stuff works a lot of the time. Maybe it does for some, but I don't see some guy moving to be with me or me moving to be with them.
Maybe I'm just experiencing a "dry patch". Any thoughts or encouragements might help me.
Thanks.

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Hello Mitsy, I just want to say I'm with you on your feelings. I was supposed to have a 4th date last Saturday with a guy I really like, whom I met online. He left a VM on Friday telling me how eager and happy he was looking forward to seeing me again, to confirm we were going on a date Saturday, bla, bla. Well, I called him back within the hour, got his voice mail, left a msg. asking him to call me back. Never heard from him, I did not bother to call him again (thinking that maybe he never got my msg?) you know we're always justifying the guy's actions, or making excuses for them, but I won't contact him, I am not into chasing guys. If he really wants me he has to show it. So now the ball is in his court, but I won't hold my breath, I think I am too good for him. At this point, I think he may be ghosting, oh well, his great loss.
I feel disappointed from the whole online dating too, I say to myself every week, ok I am going to give it a rest, no dating for me for a while. But there are always other guys contacting me and then I go, ok maybe this one will be different. And then I get my hopes up again, emailing, calling, meeting, going on dates, etc. I’ve been finding that the 3rd date is a charm or a curse? lol… I don’t seem to go over the third meeting, I also wonder if there is something wrong with me? As of today, there are two new guys, I am talking to one that's coming from San Fco. and is moving over here, we've been IM and talking on the phone, he sounds very nice, he says he’s looking for a monogamus relationship, we’ll see about that. And another one that just contacted me and I will start talking to soon. In summary, they all look so good in paper, but in person is a totally different story.
But I will tell you to stay positive and don't give up, most of us are experiencing the same things.
>I feel disappointed from the whole online dating too
Me too. But I never made it to a single date. I have cancelled my subscription and deleted my profile. OLD isn't for me.
Thanks for your thoughts. To be honest, a lot of my dating experiences in the last few years have been one-time dates only. The one that I am still having a hard time getting over (Guy #2) lasted until date #3. Maybe that is a magic number; at least for me, I would have a good idea that I would want to see them on a regular basis by date #3. With most of the others, I knew on date #1 that it probably wouldn't work out.
An interesting side note here. Guy #1 who just didn't e-mail me back and had "on-call" work hours has started messaging me again, although it isn't an everyday thing. He even called me one day last week. We talked for over a half-hour. During the course of these messages and the phone call, I let him know that I didn't try to contact him again because he never returned my last e-mail. He actually did apologize for not getting back with me. I think we both know that our lifestyles would not work out for a long-term relationship with each other (not at this point in time), but I'm actually shocked that he has become more of a "friend" than I ever thought possible. He lives about an hour from me and I often go through his town as I'm going to the mall in another city. He insisted that I call him when I would be going through his town and we could do lunch. He gave me his cell phone number this time. I may or may not call him, but at least I don't have the bad feelings for him like I did for so long. Never know what might happen...but avoiding the hurts and pains of dating is something I will never quite figure out. Sometimes I think there has to be an easier way. :0
Hal, I thought it was only hard for girls, I feel bad that is not working for you either. You sound like such a nice guy any girl would like to have, I wonder where our other half is hiding, somewhere around the world and not in the US? lol... I would like to know...
But I agree with you, as it is right now I am not subscribing to any site, I just have my profile up and the guys that really want to get in touch with me, have to get the hint and send their contact information. At this point, I also think it's not worth my time paying.
So why don't you just leave your profile up, but don't pay and if someone is really interested in you will try to contact you?
You are not alone! I know how you feel!! Now I don't really beliven in online dating any more. I do not answer any of my emails online any more (Most because I am not interested in them. )
I met a guy in a restaurant he actually came up to me and gave me his business card. I contacted him thought might be something would happen between us, he's cute has good career, although he's 7 years old than me. We met first time, I brought my sister with me, maybe it was not called a date. But after that, he never contacted me again. Of course I didn't contact him either. He's a GHOST now!
Right now, this guy I met online whom added me a year ago. We never really talked lots, he just on my buddy list ( I think I may on his too) for a year with nothing really going on. But Last month we chatted ( That was because the new version of the messager added everyone on his list again. I asked him who he was), after about 20 days we had 1st date. After that we are still chatting online sometimes, or called each other (he called most sometimes), he wanted to have 2nd date but no time for 2nd date, so I assume that will be over one month later after the 1st date if that happens. p.s.: with this guy, we never communicated from emails, only from online chatting (most are after 10pm, I actually waited for him, I usually sleep 11:30, but the days talked with him I had to sleep around 2, 3am!! I ain't gonna do that again!!) or from phone (usually most time are also after 9, 10pm!!)
But I did have some monthes relationship with guys I met online. Some went well but broke up for some reaons, some we still are friends. I guess it all depends on what kind people you may meet. Nice guys are still out there, So are jerks. But how can we finally meet our nice guy.............I do not know................
Edited 10/10/2005 5:05 pm ET ET by dayaftertomorrow
Edited 10/10/2005 5:05 pm ET ET by dayaftertomorrow
I completely understand how all of you feel. I do believe that OLD gives you what you put in. If you're half-hearted about it, I think the results will be the same.
A close friend of mine told me that the way to do OLD is to date as many as possilbe and just immerse yourself in it. Well she dated a lot... and she has found someone. I have always said it's a numbers game. Hell, life is a numbers game. I always think of the story of Colonel Sanders. He had a fried chicken recipe, went to 1000 folks and asked them to buy it. They all said no. Had he given up, there would be no Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Failure can only occur when we give up.
I know a lot of folks can say "OLD is not
Katrina,
No need for sympathy. My dating life in the real world has been good. I joined OLD to act as my dating sentinel but all it was doing was making me lazy. I felt as though I didn’t need to make an effort in the real world because ‘Yahoo’ was doing the work for me in the virtual one.
I must admit, it is also annoying writing to women who seem like a good match and getting no reply. They are either hypocrites or downright liars. I can’t be bothered anymore.
> You sound like such a nice guy any girl would like to have,
This reinforces my opinion that the “real world” is a much better place to meet people. Maybe I should post my photo and vital statistics here!
>Failure can only occur when we give up.
I made a choice. I haven't failed.
I will admit that I've also spent a number of late evenings (with too little sleep) at the computer talking to some guy I may or may not have anything in common with. In some ways, I regret the hours I spent with the one I got so wrapped up with. If I had known he would bail on me, I wouldn't have given it so much time. I would have gotten my much needed sleep and let him message me even when I wasn't online. I was so hell-bent on getting to talk to him while we were both online.
I've thought of a good phrase for men who don't seem to know what they want; I call it being a "yo-yo". They run hot/cold and think the woman should pander to their moods. I've tried to console myself about Guy #2 in that even if things had worked out, his waffling and moodiness would have eventually driven me away. A lot of men can put on the charm and be on their best behavior for a while. It's when their true character comes out that makes reality that much harder to face. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I saw his moodiness by date #3 instead of by date #20 or later. It would have been a lot harder on me if that had happened, however, at the moment I'm still a bit sad that things didn't work out differently.
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