Divorced & Child?
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| Sun, 10-02-2005 - 9:56am |
Hi all,
I met this man on lavalife a couple weeks ago, and we went out both Friday and Saturday night. He's a great guy, we get along great, and he's a great kisser ;)
Anyway, he is divorced and has a six year old daughter. He was upfront about all of this, and answers any questions I have to make me feel comfortable. But, I've never dated a guy that was divorced, OR had a child, so this is all very new to me and I'm not really sure what I should be doing!
He seems quite comfortable in having me meet his daughter, but I'm really nervous about it. I mean, we've only gone out twice...I don't want her to get attached to me too soon or anything. I do really like this guy, and can see us persuing a relationship...I just don't want to take it too fast and then have it crumble just as fast.
Should I choose a length of time before I meet his daughter? Or should I just get over my nervousness about it? It would probably be good to set some rules out...like being introduced as a 'friend'.
HELP!!!
Alyssa

If I were him, I would wait.
I agree with not meeting the dd before things get serious...or, if I do meet her, then to be introduced as a friend (and ACT that way!). I don't want to become a 'mom' to her, KWIM?
To address some of your questions in your post: they have been divorced for a year, and he's dated since then, but nothing serious. I'm a little worried that he's trying to get into a relationship quickly so he doesn't have to think about his divorce anymore.
He has his dd every other week (both parents get an even amount of time with her). I'm sure she's still not quite understanding what is (was) happening with her parents (she's six). I'm not sure how his ex-w will deal with him dating...although I agree with you that she's not really allowed to have an opinion, I REALLY don't want to get involved with a drama-situation.
He's already telling me that he's going to take down his profile because he no longer needs it. I don't really mind that, because I'm the same way...I can't date more than one person at a time (I can be emailing with a bunch of guys at once, but when I start seeing someone, that's it). I just don't want to launch into a huge serious relationship.
I think what it comes down to is I have to sit down with him and talk about all this stuff...because I'm not going to feel comfortable with the situation until I know what's going to be done about each issue (dd, ex-w, etc.).
Alyssa
I date a lot of men with children, and I would be VERY concerned about a guy who was ready to introduce me to his child right away. I would think that he either isn't thinking about the effect dating could/will have on his daughter (so at best a clueless parent), or he's got a total fantasy view of relationships (thinks every new r'ship is "the one"), or both.
I would not meet her until you are relatively sure this is going to get serious...a couple of months at least.
Sheri
I have that same custody situation, every other week with each parent.
I should clarify that he didn't outright say something like "You need to meet my daughter becuase you're my girlfriend" or anything. He just said that, since he has her half the time, that if we're going to see each other, I might have to spend some time with her as well.
I'm just not clear on how he thinks he's going to introduce me to her, and whether his ex-w would make a big drama about the situation. Plus, I am really nervous about meeting her, just becuase I've never dealt with that before.
A serious conversation with him is definitely in order to get all this straight! But, at the same time, we've only gone out twice, and should these conversations be even considered right now? ARGH!!
Alyssa
Edited 10/2/2005 11:53 am ET ET by i_am_astro_girl
The only reason to be discussing it this early is because he brought it up, so you kind of have to.
Okay, so I talked to him tonight, and we got some things cleared up. I told him I was concerned 1) that I would be more comfortable not meeting his daughter until (if) things get more serious, 2) that I don't want this to get too serious too fast, 3) that he's getting into a relationship to forget about his divorce, and 4) that I'm worried about his ex-w's reaction to him dating. (fun conversation after only the second date!)
He was very upfront, and this is what he said:
1) He totally understands this...he was just excited because he thinks I would be a good role model for her. I asked him how he would introduce me to her, and he said that I would be his 'friend', no question...and that there would be no PDAs in front of her. But, this won't happen until I'm comfortable enough.
2) Also had the same feeling...that his daughter comes first, and that he knows that my school/career come first. BUT, he does really like spending time with me, so it's hard to step back.
3) He tried dating about six months ago, and couldn't detach himself from his ex at that point. He took time off, and feels more ready to start dating again.
4) He has talked to her about this...she knows he's on lavalife, and asks him how things are going with it. He thinks she's feeling a bit remorseful about cheating on him (and is now living with the guy she cheated with) and she wants him to be happy.
It really sounds like he's taking my feelings into consideration...and he said I can ask him any questions I want to make me better understand the situation. I'm just wondering if these theories will work in practice ;)
What do you think? Reasonable responses to the questions? I'm glad he's so easy to talk too at least! I think I'll at least give him the chance, but if he pushes about meeting his dd, or drama ensues with the ex-w, I'm outa there.
Alyssa
His answers seem reasonable.