Do Guys Want to Be the Hunters?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Do Guys Want to Be the Hunters?
16
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:59pm

OK, so for the last squillion years, we've been told that women should take the initiative in establishing relationships. Gone are the days when women sat by the phone willing it to ring, right? Among the high schoolers I teach, the girls ask the boys out about as often as boys ask girls out. It's a brave new world.

BUT then I keep reading that if a guy is really interested in a woman, he WANTS to pursue her, that like it or not, guys are hunters and are generally most comfortable doing the pursuing.

Is this true on OLD? Is it more true of guys in, say, their 40s and 50s than it is of younger men, who were raised in a less traditional society?

I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing when I click on "I'm Interested." It seems almost all the guys who are interested in me are men who take the next step before I decide on them.

What's your experience?

Julie
Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:20pm

I'm 49 and the few time's I tried reaching out and saying "I'm interested" I either didn't get a response, or got a one-time polite reply. I still stand by the old rule that if a guy is interested, he will pursue, at least in my age category. Have you had any luck when you make the first move?

I met my ex-b/f online over 5 years ago (we lasted 4 1/2). That was after 18 months of dating (online, setups, accidental meets). He was one of the very few who called the very next day just to say hi, and arrange for our next date. He wanted me to be his girlfriend and did everything he could to pursue - regular calls and frequent dates.

When a guy is into you, you know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 2:16am

Actually now that I'm thinking about it, my last LTR whom I met online, I was the one who showed interest first. Twice actually.

I had seen his profile on match.com, but I didn't have a subscription so I winked at him. He winked back, but nothing else. A few weeks later I was considering paying for a month of service just so I could write him, even though there were no other guys I was interested in on that site. But then I saw his picture come up on a match search on OKcupid.com, so I wrote him immediately. He told me he was glad I wrote him because I had just saved him $19.95 at match.com. We were together for four years, and though it didn't work out for the long term, we are still friends.

I think it shouldn't be just one person showing all the interest. Whoever shows interest first doesn't really matter as long as both people are putting forth effort thereafter. I wouldn't chase after a guy who wasn't putting a lot of effort towards getting to know me. But I also wouldn't intentionally hold back on a guy I was interested in and make him put forth all or most of the effort. With my my current BF and all of my previous LTRs I never at any point had to wonder if he liked me or not. It was always very very obvious.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 7:42am

I believe in letting the man pursue. I used to be more modern in my "youth" (I'm 55 now) but I've had better results by letting the man pursue. It's not about playing games, or pretending like you don't like him, or making it really difficult.

I think things are a bit upside down in the world of OLD. I've heard many success stories of women contacting men first in the OLD world. If I contacted the man first, and we started emailing, I would then want him to ask for my number and for him to ask me to meet. I feel if I have to suggest this that he's just not that interested.

I think the other thing to keep in mind is that when it's a good match (determined after you meet and go out a few times) then it should feel pretty effortless and without drama. If you are a good fit, then it doesn't really matter who initiated contact, as long as you are both into the relationship. I used to try too hard and over-function in relationships...I don't do that anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:24pm

"I think the other thing to keep in mind is that when it's a good match (determined after you meet and go out a few times) then it should feel pretty effortless and without drama. If you are a good fit, then it doesn't really matter who initiated contact, as long as you are both into the relationship."

What you said. ^^^

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:50pm

As a (early 40s) guy about to post a question of his own, on this forum, I saw your post and thought I'd shoot you a straightforward reply:


No...not necessarily ;)


I mean, we (men) have been conditioned to think, that we HAVE to be the hunters, but I personally find it refreshing - even, flattering - when a woman does the reaching out, instead...and, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 5:12pm

you reminded me of when I first started communicating with my dh (via Yahoo! personals). I was 40 and he was 49.


<>


I contacted him first and we started e-mailing.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 5:37pm

Obviously there are no hard and fast rules, and I'm glad your situation worked out. I think the key for you was that you sensed he was interested. If he weren't interested, you probably would have sensed that too and not have suggested he call.

And this proves my point that things can be a bit upside down in the OLD world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 10:04pm
I like clear signals from a man that he is interested. Then I am just as clear in responding that I am, too. It makes dating so much more fun and less stressful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:37pm

Hmmm, OK, you feel flattered, but would it pique your interest in her? Say a woman's profile pops up in your list of possible matches. She sounds OK but you're not sure; you don't necessarily feel you hit the jackpot when you read her profile. Then she e-mails you or sends you a relationship starter or whatever. You're flattered, but are you more interested in her than you were before?

Just trying to get into the male psyche here.

Julie
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 5:36am
that's EXACTLY what my dh (met via OLD) did!

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