Do Guys Want to Be the Hunters?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Do Guys Want to Be the Hunters?
16
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:59pm

OK, so for the last squillion years, we've been told that women should take the initiative in establishing relationships. Gone are the days when women sat by the phone willing it to ring, right? Among the high schoolers I teach, the girls ask the boys out about as often as boys ask girls out. It's a brave new world.

BUT then I keep reading that if a guy is really interested in a woman, he WANTS to pursue her, that like it or not, guys are hunters and are generally most comfortable doing the pursuing.

Is this true on OLD? Is it more true of guys in, say, their 40s and 50s than it is of younger men, who were raised in a less traditional society?

I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing when I click on "I'm Interested." It seems almost all the guys who are interested in me are men who take the next step before I decide on them.

What's your experience?

Julie
Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 5:31pm

Well, two bits of advice here, for what they're both worth (but hey, I've been

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 4:03pm
One thing I've learned from this board and from doing OLD years ago is that people can behave in very illogical manners--even after you meet, you can have a date that you think went really well and you're sure he'll be calling you, then he won't call & you can't figure out why. I figured that middle-aged men would be more polite about things too, but they don't act any different than teenagers. But I really don't think that a guy who would otherwise be interested in you would decide that he's not interested just because you emailed or contacted him first--and if he was, well, I know I wouldn't last long w/ a guy who was either that insecure or sexist. Good luck to you.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 6:55am

So this happened on this past Monday night, is that right? That was only three days ago! Relax, he might truly be busy. Truthfully, he may also be corresponding with several women, but that's just the way it goes.

Cardinal rule in online dating: don't take things personally. You don't know each other, even if you're feeling attracted to his photo and profile.

Now, sometimes—rarely—an email can get "lost." You could wait a week, then send another email, but be playful and brief "I guess my email got lost in cyberspace" but don't scold him for not responding. Then at that point, the ball is in his court. I'm not necessarily recommending you contact him a second time, since he most likely did get your email, but you could give him the benefit of the doubt.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 11:24pm

You've given me a lot to mull over. I'm kind of a strange mixture of outspoken and shy. What DO I want in a guy?

So I would like feedback on this situation from whoever wants to weigh in. The other night (just before I started this thread, actually), I checked my possible matches list, clicked on a new guy, and whoa, there was the first OLD guy I was immediately attracted to...just something about his looks clicked. His profile clicked, too. So I hit the "Interested" button, thinking I probably wouldn't hear back from him.

About 15 minutes later, I checked my e-mail for something I was expecting, and there was an e-mail notification from this same guy! Wow, pretty fast, huh? It was a very charming, funny, seemingly genuine note, saying he wanted to get to know me. I sent him a brief (same length as his) reply that I thought was pretty nice...casual but sweet, mildly humorous. That was Monday night, and I haven't heard back. I'm writing him off but am wondering what happened--odd to hear back so soon (and no cutesy little ice-breakers...right to e-mail) and so positively, then nothing.

I thought about sending him a very brief e-mail, wishing him luck, but decided against it. I'll probably never know why he lost interest; maybe someone better popped up on his matches list, or he met an attractive real-life woman. I won't over-analyze it,but see, this reinforces my concern that maybe I shouldn't get over myself and be assertive.

I feel like I'm 14 again and just don't understand boys. :D

Julie
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 12:24pm
For myself I do not pursue. I find it a waste of time. If the person is reachable and we talk,email,IM then find common ground then perhaps meet in a easy fun way then it can go from there. Excess expectations bring on too much pressure and the behavior of a facade. As a working adult it is more difficult than when I was in college. Many possibilities of friendship just do not happen anymore. We do not always have a work situation where we can socialize without the office "prude" interfering with that "I'm uncomfortable" foolishness.

dRIVING FOR THE RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL
SINCE 1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 11:40am

Absolutely - because, I in fact am NOT in it for the "thrill of the chase", lol - but rather, to meet someone (in my case, a life partner! ;p)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 5:36am
that's EXACTLY what my dh (met via OLD) did!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:37pm

Hmmm, OK, you feel flattered, but would it pique your interest in her? Say a woman's profile pops up in your list of possible matches. She sounds OK but you're not sure; you don't necessarily feel you hit the jackpot when you read her profile. Then she e-mails you or sends you a relationship starter or whatever. You're flattered, but are you more interested in her than you were before?

Just trying to get into the male psyche here.

Julie
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 10:04pm
I like clear signals from a man that he is interested. Then I am just as clear in responding that I am, too. It makes dating so much more fun and less stressful.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 5:37pm

Obviously there are no hard and fast rules, and I'm glad your situation worked out. I think the key for you was that you sensed he was interested. If he weren't interested, you probably would have sensed that too and not have suggested he call.

And this proves my point that things can be a bit upside down in the OLD world.

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