Do most of you have a "one free lie"...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Do most of you have a "one free lie"...
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Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:50pm

policy? I didn't want to further hijack Eric's thread but I'm really curious, based on Vexer's response to that thread, which seems to indicate that one lie is ok, but not two or more (and Vex, if I misread your post, please clarify).

I'm not posting this to discuss whether Eric's date *was* lying in her profile, but rather, to focus on situations where you KNOW someone has lied in their profile (whether about their height, age, marital status or whatever). What do you do?

I struggle with this a lot since SO many people seem to lie in their profile about *something*, but I can't seem to look past it and be ok with it. To me, lying is too big a deal, even if it's about something "small" (but where do you draw the line? If you're dishonest about "small" things, won't you be dishonest about "big" things?). I have a one strike you're out policy because if someone would lie in their profile, that to me is an indication that honesty with a potential SO is something they don't really value. But, if almost everyone lies, that means that I will most likely stay single, or have to settle for someone who is dishonest. I've tried to overlook "small" lies in the past, and give guys who otherwise seem ok a chance, but it rankles too much and I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I'm just curious how others approach this. How much lying is ok? And does what they lied about make a difference?

Sheri

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Registered: 10-17-2002

I think I base it more on the person themselves and if we have a connection as well. I have a really hard time meeting people online or otherwise. If I meet someone that I like, am attracted to and have a connection with that is a couple/few inches shorter than they said in the profile or something "small", I will give them the benefit of the doubt and NOT dismiss them immediately. Kind of more I would like to give them a chance until they otherwise prove to be untrustworthy. If something else happens, they are gone.

On the other hand, however, if they lie AND I feel no attraction/connection, I see no reason to continue to give them a chance. I think for me it is more based on the low response rate I have and sheer lack of luck in the OLD scene.

So no, I'm not exactly giving "one free lie" but more just having a "wait and see" attitude to see if it is pervasive behavior or a one-time thing.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003

But I guess that's my question...isn't the one lie in and of itself an indication that the person is untrustworthy? Have you ever had the experience of someone lying in their profile but turning out to be honest in every other respect? I haven't but maybe it's because I don't give 2nd chances very often, and when I have, I've always ended up regretting it.

What if he lied about his marital status rather than his height? Would you still give him the benefit of the doubt? If you wouldn't, where do you draw the line between a "small" lie and a "big" lie?

I hope you know I'm not trying to pick on you ;-), I really struggle with this issue and wonder how other people deal with it.

Sheri

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Registered: 07-21-2004

If someone lied about his/her marital status, then I would most certainly NOT give a benefit of a doubt.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003

Height is objective, whereas the weight classifications (at least on match and yahoo) are subjective. So I think that's comparing apples and oranges. You either ARE 6'0" or you're not (or at least so I thought until this morning--apparently that's not the case after hearing sisfox's doctor story ;-)).

What about age? Would lying about age be a dealbreaker?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005

I think there are big lies and little lies. I also think there are people who have no sense of self - so when they say they are "fit" or "muscular" for example, they are - in their minds. It's not an intentional lie.

I dated a guy once who was sure his eyes were green. Technically, they were hazel. He wasn't lieing, he really thought they were green. It really wasn't a big deal to me.

Marital status for me is a huge one - you are either single/divorced/widowed OR you are married. Lie about that one, and you are gone.

I've had guys lie about enjoying certain things, like dancing or playing poker, because they wanted to make me happy and do what I wanted to do. That's fine - I'd do the same (like the golfer I dated - I was able to extract some enjoyment about going to his tournaments, so I wasn't really lieing about enjoying them - I enjoyed making him happy, and that was good enough).

I've met guys who lied about their income - wealthy men who lowball because they don't want gold diggers, poor men who highball because they think that will draw the babes. I think in the first case, it's cautious self-preservation; in the second, foolishness.

I guess for me, I have to take it case by case and use my judgement, which for the most part, I trust.


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Registered: 02-15-2005

<<<(or at least so I thought until this morning--apparently that's not the case after hearing sisfox's doctor story ;-)).>>>

LOL - now I'm starting to wonder - at what age do we start shrinking? Maybe I'm NOT 5'11 anymore!

<<>>

This could be an ooops. I had a profile that I assumed automatically changed your age over time - well, it didn't. I noticed it about 3 months after my birthday. Had to manually change it.

But if a guy says he's 39 and he's really 49, yeah, that's a big lie.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Isn't hazel just a shade of green ;-)? I've always thought that was the case!

Anyway, as I said to CGUN, subjective answers are different from objective answers, IMO.

I agree that you didn't lie in the situation you cite about the golfer. But someone saying they enjoy something as opposed to saying something like, "I'm not all that into it but I enjoy spending time with you so I'll give it another shot"...I'd have a problem with that.

I don't understand why people would lie about their income in a profile, since "no answer" is a perfectly reasonable option. It's no one's business (IMO) what he makes or I make, at least not until we've been dating for a while.

Case by case makes some sense to me. I've actually rarely had someone lie about their height (at least to the degree where I noticed) so I've never really dealt with that, although I feel in principle like any lie should be a dealbreaker...the profile lies I've encountered have almost all been age-related, related to their relationship status or related to their statements that they were honest!

Sheri

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Registered: 02-15-2005

Yeah - I don't even get why income is on profiles.

I can see maybe occupation. I know some women who wouldn't dream of dating blue collar guys, and want to screen for that. Some guys may be intimidated by a woman in certain fields, and want to screen for that. But what I earn, and how much I have in my accounts is nobody's business.


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Registered: 07-21-2004

Hmmm.....good point.

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Registered: 05-23-2005
I have a pretty low tolerance for dishonesty. But I also have a strong tendency to look at the big picture and not make judgements on the basis of isolated incidents. So yes. I might let some lies slide.

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