Do most of you have a "one free lie"...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Do most of you have a "one free lie"...
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Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:50pm

policy? I didn't want to further hijack Eric's thread but I'm really curious, based on Vexer's response to that thread, which seems to indicate that one lie is ok, but not two or more (and Vex, if I misread your post, please clarify).

I'm not posting this to discuss whether Eric's date *was* lying in her profile, but rather, to focus on situations where you KNOW someone has lied in their profile (whether about their height, age, marital status or whatever). What do you do?

I struggle with this a lot since SO many people seem to lie in their profile about *something*, but I can't seem to look past it and be ok with it. To me, lying is too big a deal, even if it's about something "small" (but where do you draw the line? If you're dishonest about "small" things, won't you be dishonest about "big" things?). I have a one strike you're out policy because if someone would lie in their profile, that to me is an indication that honesty with a potential SO is something they don't really value. But, if almost everyone lies, that means that I will most likely stay single, or have to settle for someone who is dishonest. I've tried to overlook "small" lies in the past, and give guys who otherwise seem ok a chance, but it rankles too much and I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I'm just curious how others approach this. How much lying is ok? And does what they lied about make a difference?

Sheri

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Registered: 10-17-2002
I guess it is not so black and white. There are "fibs" that I will let slide until I see more about who they are. There are blatant lies (the married thing, kids, smoking habits) that I would NOT let slide because those things are more "dealbreakers" for me. It is such an individual thing that I don't think I could say a blanket comment on what lies I would let pass because it depends on the lie, the person, and the situation. I do not condone dishonesty, but I think there are things that are obviously more dispicable to lie about than others. Height - not a huge deal to me. If the lies continue or he seems otherwise slick or dishonest, I would rethink things when/if the time came.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003

Thanks, Vex, I appreciate you (and everyone) sharing your thoughts on this. To me, a lie is a lie is a lie, period. But I see that there is a wide range of thinking on this and I will have to see if I can somehow become comfortable with maybe being a bit more flexible on this issue. It gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it, though (wouldn't it mean that I was telling the guy it's ok to lie to me?), so I don't think I'll be changing my "one strike" approach anytime soon ;-). But I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and feedback!

Sheri

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Registered: 07-21-2004
I think if you feel

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Registered: 07-03-2004

I allow people their vanities and silliness, no problem. Shorter? Heavier? Don't actually do much on your Favourite Things To Do list? You actually DON'T like dogs particularly? Whatever -- what time can you pick me up? These things are immaterial to me because Loverboy becomes a New Man once he meets me.

I draw a line between the above and the marital status, income, kids, looking for a relationship categories. Anything feels off and you are a goner, in a New York minute.

I am absolutely clear on what I will/will not tolerate.

amjay

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Registered: 03-12-2005

Heres my lie in my profile... I put in the zip code to the town next to mine.... I do that for privacy reasons... rather not have colleagues, etc easily ID my profile...

thus, I agree with the poster who said you need to look at the big picture.... there are some fibs that are clearly deceitful and trying to portray something they are not or never can be... and there are others that are fairly subjective... for a variety of reasons they feel the need to stretch the truth... is someone who puts "fit" but may only be average and is struggling with going to the gym everyday really a bad person?

btw, the town I put in my profile is the same socioeconomic class as my own town... no motivation to deceit in that manner...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005

Yes. Lying is a big deal.

When I put my profile out there, I've made a good effort to be truthful about representing myself, even including a few "warts" :) Sometimes I've asked friends for feedback (okay, so those can be biased), but I do expect the same in return from a potential "Match" as well.

What some people might think is no big deal (height/accurate body type portrayal) most certainly IS a big deal to me. I've been on a few dates where the guy marked his height as two inches taller than he was, and it never failed that it was the first thing noticed.

Posting photos of yourself from 10 years ago? That's a lie.

So are there any lies that are okay? I think it really just depends. I mean, if someone says their eyes are blue when they're really more on the green side...that's no big deal.

Here's one I've encountered in the past: The person who marks the income box stating the sizeable income they have, yet who carries significant financial debt. This, to me, is a lie. (And a red flag as well).

I've learned to watch out for profiles that sound too good to be true. Specifically, the ones where the person comes across as a tad too exhuberant, has an endless stream of stories to tell, mentions how sweet and charming he is, and generally gives the impression of an "entertainer" (if only, to hear himself speak). In my experience, this guy usually turns out to be bad news.

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Registered: 05-15-2004

Well, I guess my answer to your question is pretty obvious, Sheri. :-) In this situation I have given her a freebie (assuming that she really is lying).

I personally would never lie on my profile. However, I guess I can see a few circumstances where a person might do so, if for no other reason to increase their chances.

Here's an example: say there's a guy who's pretty short, like 5'6". He's really nice and has a lot going for him, but he feels like posting his height will drastically reduce the number of responses he gets. So, he lies about his height and puts it as 5'10". That way, he figures at least he might actually *meet* more women, and he would be willing to take his chances on a rejection based on lying about height. If he posts his true height, he might not actually meet anyone, making it a sure thing that he won't have success. Logically speaking, it may be the smart thing to do.

I can also see your point Sheri. Someone that would lie about something "small" might not have any problem lying about anything. It's a trust issue, and for you to have a no tolerance policy on lying seems perfectly reasonable.

Eric

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Registered: 06-01-2003

The guy I went out with last from match said he was 5'8" but was really 5'7" and I noticed right when I met him that he was shorter just because I had a boyfriend who is 5'7" and I can tell. I pointed it out and he admitted he stretched the truth but I didn't hold it against him. It's just that it's not the first time a guy has stretched the truth about his height before...last guy I dated said he was 5'6" but was really 5'4". I thought that maybe he wasn't 5'6" but I thought that maybe I was imagining things until I asked him about his height and he admitted reluctantly that he's only 5'4". I was a bit upset with him about that for a while but let it slide since I had gone out on several dates with him by then.

The only thing I stretch the truth on on match is that I list my living situation as with my pets, which is true. I live with my family as well but since it's a temporary situation and I've been on my own for years before that and am moving out at the beginning of next year, I don't want to make it look like I am perpetually leeching off of my family. I don't know if that is a big deal though I do let the guy know about my living situation as soon as possible, ie. the first email or at the latest, the first phone call. I would love to hear what others think.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003

Well, again, as I posted to you in the other thread, I could make that same argument lying about my age, because that way I'd come up in more searches and increase my chances (many men have a cut off of 45), and heck, everyone says I look much younger than 46 ;-). But no matter how you justify or rationalize it, there's still no excuse for lying, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005

Sheri, I totally understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, in an ever changing world we have to maintain some sort of flexibility. Of course, flexibility to me does NOT mean being accepting of lies. On a deeper level, people who misrepresent themselves (that is lying, isn't it?) usually lack confidence and/or the aura of self-assurance and inner peace that blends well with my spirit. Also in these types of relationships, you spend a lot of your time stroking their ego since they can't face the man in the mirror. I'm an individual who is "real" about who I am (flaws and all) and expect the same from my partner. With that being said, character representation and trust are at the top of my list and they are not things I'm willing to compromise.

To quote you, YES, a lie is a lie is a lie, period!!