Do most of you have a "one free lie"...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Do most of you have a "one free lie"...
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Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:50pm

policy? I didn't want to further hijack Eric's thread but I'm really curious, based on Vexer's response to that thread, which seems to indicate that one lie is ok, but not two or more (and Vex, if I misread your post, please clarify).

I'm not posting this to discuss whether Eric's date *was* lying in her profile, but rather, to focus on situations where you KNOW someone has lied in their profile (whether about their height, age, marital status or whatever). What do you do?

I struggle with this a lot since SO many people seem to lie in their profile about *something*, but I can't seem to look past it and be ok with it. To me, lying is too big a deal, even if it's about something "small" (but where do you draw the line? If you're dishonest about "small" things, won't you be dishonest about "big" things?). I have a one strike you're out policy because if someone would lie in their profile, that to me is an indication that honesty with a potential SO is something they don't really value. But, if almost everyone lies, that means that I will most likely stay single, or have to settle for someone who is dishonest. I've tried to overlook "small" lies in the past, and give guys who otherwise seem ok a chance, but it rankles too much and I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I'm just curious how others approach this. How much lying is ok? And does what they lied about make a difference?

Sheri

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Registered: 04-16-2004

Hi Sheri...I guess my response is simliar to the some of the other posters. It really depends.

I met a guy on Match who said he was 5'8". He really was only about 5'5". I'm 5'8"and had to bend over to kiss him! But I didn't really mind. He was a cute, nice, fun guy. As near as I could tell he didn't misrepresent himslef in other, more critical areas.

I have never lied about anything in my profiles. Not my age, marital status, kids, height, weight, etc. I have, however, "embellished" a few things to "punch up" my proifle. For example...I mentioned some of the places I had traveled. I really went to those places, just not since the kids were born. I mean, who wants to hear about carpooling and the PTA?

It would also depend if they turned out to be a habitual liar. I think everyone tells a little white lie now and then.

You go to soemone's home and they appologize for things being in such a mess. Would you really respond, "Yeah, this palce is a pigsty!"? Probably not.

I keep thinking of the movie, "Liar,Liar" with Jim Carrey. Imagine how messy it would be if everyone was 100% honest all the time?

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Registered: 03-18-2005
You wrote:
 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003

I don't consider white lies (which I define *solely* as those intended to spare someone *else's* feelings, as in your pigsty example) to be in the same category as lies intended to deceive someone else. There is no reason to lie in your profile other than to deceive the people who are viewing it, so lying about height or whatever is NOT a "white lie" in my book. Someone may have *additional* reasons for lying (such as Eric's example of wanting to attract more responses to your profile), but the bottom line is that they are trying to deceive the viewer into thinking they are different from how they really are.

I believe white lies (as I've defined them) are acceptable, although I try to avoid even those (instead of saying "oh no, the place looks great" in your example, I'd probably say something like, "no problem, I know you've been really busy and haven't had time to clean up". It's honest, but it's also tactful. There's no reason honesty can't be tempered with tact.).

Sheri

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Registered: 06-01-2005

Sheri-I understand what you are saying.

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Thanks Jodie, I understand that, as I've stated in several posts on this thread. I wish in a way that I didn't feel the way I do, as it would sure make online dating a whole lot easier. But after exploring it further through this thread, I realize I feel too strongly about this issue to modify my views, unfortunately, so I will just have to accept that my chances of dating success are limited further than they already are due to other factors like age, weight, and my sobriety. I'm not trying to change anyone else's views, just explain why I feel the way I do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004

the bottom line is a white lie compared a huge lie-

like age/marital status, income those kind of things

ht /wt / is sometimes a perception of how we see ourselves. I dont' necessarily think it is based on character or values.. i think it depends on when i meet the person too, you get to know them and see if they are truly honest. sometimes people may not really perceive themselves as very tall/short or heavy/slender, or don't want to admit it..not really lieing could just be an insecurity

have you have white lied?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Have you read the whole thread? I ask because I make a distinction between subjective and objective parts of the profile in one of my posts. Height is NOT subjective, however, it's a quantifiable number, at least on the sites I frequent (i.e, you are asked to put your exact height, rather than a range or characterizing yourself as "tall" or whatever). This is different from the subjective characterizations called for by match and yahoo with respect to weight/body type.

And I also covered my definition of white lies in my response to Luv, and my preference to not lie even in circumstances where a white lie would be acceptable (tactful honesty would be my preferred choice). That said, I have of course told white lies.

I also make a distinction of WHO is being lied to. I have no problem lying to a telemarketer who is disturbing me at home, for example. But lying to a potential romantic partner crosses the line, IMO. I believe one has a greater duty to be truthful in that situation than one does to be truthful to a stranger with whom no future connection is likely or possible. Honesty and trust are too important (at least to me) to a romantic relationship to start off with one or more lies, IMO.

Part of this comes from being a reformed liar, I think (it was part of my recovery process in AA). I'm like a reformed smoker in that regard...much less tolerant I think ;-)!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004

"Have you read the whole thread? I ask because I make a distinction between subjective and objective parts of the profile in one of my posts."

Actually I posted before I read the entire thread.. but i have read now..

I hear what you are saying and can agree to a point, as I really don't have a tolerance for liars and usually know when one is lieing to me. I would say most of my friends would say I am a very honest person.

However, I try to be flexible and realize there is no such thing as perfection and people white lie for various reasons. NOw if you are lieing about something extremely significant than strike your out.

I guess people white lie about a lot of things to not hurt others or afraid of saying no to people. I know someone that does this alot and I know she does it and it actually is starting to strike a nerve w/ me that I don't to involved personally w/ her anymore and she sensed it. I feel i would rather be told the truth than to find out you were lieing which hurts more.

But w/ regards to this OLD stuff I think you have to weed through it and get to know someone..

but i do agree you want to start out on an honest note..

what if they lied in their profile about age, and then in their first phone call to you told you look I am really 36, but I did that because they were sending me profiles older than me so i had to lower my age on the site?? Would you give them a chance because they were being upfront w/ you?

I guess people do it thinking they have a better chance ., but i also agree if one lies about height, why wouldn't lieing about age be acceptable.

I guess it is what you can live w/ and be comfortable w/ and it 's sound like you have zero tolerance which if that is ok w/you then it's perfectly reasonable.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

"what if they lied in their profile about age, and then in their first phone call to you told you look I am really 36, but I did that because they were sending me profiles older than me so i had to lower my age on the site?? Would you give them a chance because they were being upfront w/ you?"

No, I wouldn't. To me, that's just a rationalization for lying. They weren't "upfront" in their profile, and if they don't like the way the site works (matching you with older people like Eharmony does, for example), then they should find another site. For example, I am not comfortable disclosing my exact weight, but neither am I comfortable with lying about it, so I don't use the Matchmaker site, which requires you to put your exact weight.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005

I agree with Sheri wholeheartedly. If you're not man enough (or woman enough) to be truthful in your profile, then you're not man enough. The latest guy I was talking to via email and phone had put on his profile "several committed relationships, never married." I asked him on the phone if he'd ever been married (couldn't remember what he had put on his profile) and he disclosed that indeed he had been married for three years in his early 30's. So I go back and check. Took him til the end of that day to change it to divorced. I still don't get it and I don't want to.

A 5'6 guy has more of a chance with me than a liar. If they had "fat" for a choice, I'd choose it! I swear I would. I put up current pics and if they decide I'm their cup of tea - great! If not, move along. There is not one ounce of untruth in my profile.

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