Do OLD and IM'ing mix well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Do OLD and IM'ing mix well?
16
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 5:59pm
Here I go with another of my seemingly simple questions. I met a guy on match, he asked me for my IM screen name after one email from each of us, and we chatted once three days ago for quite a while. Since our work hours conflict, I didn't hear from him again until today, on instant messenger. We were talking a while and I was giving him clues I'm interested in not just chatting on-line. Finally, I told him I have to go do something productive and that my fingers hurt from typing so much. I asked him if he likes to chat so much on-line or if he would prefer to take it to the phone. He said that we could talk on the phone some time. So then I had to ask him if he would like my phone # and he said that would be wonderful. I felt dumb having to ask and wonder if some guys just don't get it if a woman is interested on-line and that's why they don't ask for the number. I'm hoping he'll call or I'll feel like a fool but we were chatting for quite a while and I didn't volunteer my number because I was desperate to speak to him on the phone but because I'm not a big fan of IM'ing. However, men I meet lately on the dating site ask me for my IM screen name right away. The little article on "the rules" of on-line dating on this site says not to IM a man since this makes a woman easily gettable. Should I avoid it altogether?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 6:10pm
I dont understand what you mean about IMing makes a woman easily "gettable"... for me IMing is my preferred method of communication to make sure the guy is not a wacko and compatible... I dont like giving out my cell # right away because I do not want to be bothered if he is someone I am not interested in.... in fact just recently I moved it to the cell too soon and the guy was just "there" all the time meaning left voicemails, on IM, on the website... it drove me crazy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 6:18pm
It got that from a quiz on this site called "the rules of on-line dating" or something like that. I don't like to IM for very long periods of time because it consumes a lot of time to get across what you can get across by speaking on the phone. I refuse to IM for hours only to find out that I don't like the way the guy looks in person, how he sounds or that we don't have mutual attraction. So far, the men who I had success with asking me out did it through email and not through IM'ing. If I give clues that I want to take it to the phone or real life, it seems like they don't get it whereas if I don't IM with them and just wait until they email me, more likely than not, they ask to speak to me on the phone or meet me. It seems to me IM'ing doesn't work unless you want to have a long-term on-line chat buddy. That's just my experience.
Avatar for cutiekitty516
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 6:40pm

Hi ising,


Personally, I think IM'ing

    
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 7:29pm

My experience has been that guys who want to "chat" on IM are not really interested in meeting in real life, and/or they are primarily interested in cyber-sex, so I don't IM anymore with potential dates from OLD sites (I just let them know I prefer email and phone to IM'ing if they ask; if they have a problem with my preference, too bad!).

It sounds like this guy might be one of those guys who just wants to chat with women but isn't really interested in meeting. You'll have to let us know whether he calls!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 7:36pm

Ah, if I find out that one more guy is just not that into me after going to the trouble of sending me an email first and IM'ing me, if he IM's me at all to begin with, I'm going to quit this on-line dating thing. It seems like all I get is flakes who change their minds somewhere along the way before even talking to me over the phone. How can you possibly judge what someone's like over a computer I wonder. It's truly a waste of time in my opinion. I will give anyone who I email back a try for at least a first meet because I have no idea if I like him or not over the computer. I have better luck in real life it seems like to me. This guy sounded like he will call me but as I said, I had to spell it out to him that I would rather speak on the phone. Thanks for the advice and I won't get my hopes up.

To Sherri, this guy works nights and 60 hour weeks so he's busy. He's mentioned that a lot of women have a problem with this. So I'm thinking that maybe he figured he won't be able to meet with me very soon anyway. He seems very respectful on-line and has not said anything that's even slightly sexual or flirtatious so I don't think he's after cyber sex. I will be sure to let you know how it goes. Thanks!




Edited 6/18/2005 7:39 pm ET ET by ising101
Avatar for cutiekitty516
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 7:40pm

I really hope I'm wrong about him...yes, it's probably best if you go into this with little/no expectations..."heart insurance", if you will ;)


Good luck!


~Lori

    
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 8:18pm

If he's so busy, how did he have time to spend all that time IM'ing with you? Wouldn't that time have been put to much better use meeting for a cup of coffee???

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 8:29pm
I have been doing OLD off and on since november, I communicated via IM with every guy that I have gone out with. I really think that IMing gives you an opportunity to gauge how interested a guy really is. I can usually pick up on their interest level by how aggressive they are about setting up a date. If a guy is very laid back and I really don't feel like they are chasing me, they usually aren't. It might be age related, I am 25 so people my age are ALWAYS on instant messenger (at least all of my friends) so it would be odd for me to refuse to give out my screen name. I am very protective over my phone number and only give them my number once I know their purpose for calling is to set up a date. Its much easier to block someone on IM then it is to change your phone number, and I have quite a few guys blocked lol. Im glad they don't have my phone number!! but thats just me.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 9:38pm

It may well be a generational thing...I'm 46 and most of the men I'm meeting through OLD sites are in that general age range. So it could just be that *older* men like to hide behind IM'ing or just want to have cyber sex ;-).

I also just don't really like IM'ing in general--I find it intrusive and way too time consuming compared to emailing or talking on the phone. And I haven't had any bad experiences so far with giving out my cell phone number (have been able to screen pretty well via a few email exchanges), but if you have had bad experiences I can understand not wanting to give it out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 11:32pm
I don't IM either. If someone approaches me to do this - I discontinue contact with them. I think for some people IM is like having a second job - they chat with tones of people and mostly without any real interest to take it further. I am not here to make it extra convenient for men after all, I would like some effort on their part. If a guy is interested enough - he will move on to the phone and a real meet. This is just my opinion. Another thing.. At 35 I feel I am too old for this kind of games. :)

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