Do you ever start to wonder....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Do you ever start to wonder....
25
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:08pm

Have any of you ever reached the point where you really really start to wonder...."What's wrong with me?"


I think I'm attractive. I think I'm intelligent, interesting, kind-hearted and good company. But

 

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:35pm

Awww, jh. Sorry you are feeling down. But I do want to say that YES, I also feel this about myself all the time. I've had a problem dating most of my life too. I was a "late bloomer" who hardly had a date in high-school, didn't kiss a boy until she was 20 and had my first real boyfriend at 21. Lately, it seems like I find guys that either want to be my friend or while they like me and find me attractive and sexy, they don't want to have a real relationship with me. I wonder what is so wrong with me that these guys don't want to BE with me. I feel that while I am "appealing" to men, it isn't for a relationship.

I think it is human nature to wonder what is wrong with yourself when you can't attract the love that you want. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give, but I did want you to know that you are definitely not alone. And I don't mind listening to you whine - if you don't mind if I do.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:42pm

/me raises her hands, feet and anything else she can find. I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. And sometimes I fear that I'll wind up alone, eating catfood and watching people from my window. (Ok, that was just a bit dramatic...)

I do have faith though. I believe that things happen in time, exactly when they're supposed to occur. I've taken the time that I'm single and used it to work on me--get my finances in order, work out issues I still have, make my life the one I want--and the way I figure, when I'm in order, it will open a door for someone else to walk in.

It's easy to feel down about the situation, but it's really not the most productive use of your energy. This to shall pass! Keep yourself active and when you're feeling down, reach out. Because there are many, many others who are feeling exactly as you do. :)

And remember: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Say that to yourself 100 times a day until it sinks in. Sure, there are things that we all need to work on. But there is someone out there who will be a good fit. It's just kissing all the frogs that gets to be a pain in the butt! :)

Hope this helps.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:45pm

You just made me realize something... a guy friend of mine also told me that for a man to want a relationship, timing is everything. He said that a guy can find the most wonderful woman and if timing is off, he will not get deeply involved. So, it's possible that the guys we meet that don't want a relationship are just guys we've met at the wrong time.

Turning it around, it makes sense because there have been times I didn't want a relationship yet met the most amazing guys...

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:50pm

Hey there, sorry you're feeling down, but heck, yes, I can empathize!!! I also feel like the chances of me finding someone are small, so I need to learn to be ok being alone.

I don't have a lot of trouble finding men to *date*, but am having a heck of a time finding a man to have a relationship with! It's been almost 8 years since my last LTR ended...and yes, I've had a few short-term r'ships in the meantime, but they've all ended for one reason or another. The thing is, they've all ended for *different* reasons, and I've ended some and the guy has ended some, so I'm at a loss to find a pattern...other than, we just weren't right for each other, and it took some time to figure that out.

I honestly don't believe that I am overly picky...I am very open on things like education, race, age, weight, income, but the things I won't compromise on are things like character, honesty, and emotional health and maturity and those qualities seem to be in short supply among single men in my age group. Plus, I'm at somewhat of a disadavantage because I'm overweight, I don't drink, and I am more well-educated and make more money than probably 90% of the population here (even though I don't put the latter in my profile, it comes out later--not the actual amount, but they have an idea from what I do and how I live. And I could care less if a guy doesn't have a post-grad degree or if he makes less than me...but a lot of men DO care about that.). So that limits the pool of men who will be interested in me. And there are lot more cool, interesting, fun single women in my age group than there are men who fit that description. So, realistically, my chances are not good. That doesn't mean I'm going to curl up and stop trying, but I need to face the very real possibility that I will grow old alone.

I'm sure that both of us, if we *really* wanted to, could have a bf, if we didn't care whether we were really attracted to him, whether he was good r'ship material, whether he treated us well, etc. Finding *a* man isn't hard, it's finding someone who is right for us. And to me, just being with someone to be with someone is depressing.

So...I'm right with you, trying to make sense of it all. I have yet another coffee meetinng this afternoon...maybe this guy will be right for me? Who knows. But I'm going to keep trying...and also make my life the best it can be on my own.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:56pm

Good luck with your coffee date Sheri! Sincere hopes that this guy turns out to be a good one! :-)

And bklynchik - I definitely agree that it can be all about timing. You do both have to be ready for a relationshio at the same time. It just seems like I am never at the same place at the same time with anyone I date. It seems to start out so well and then they back off or tell me they are not ready. It has happened so many times that I have to wonder if there is something wrong with ME that makes them not want to have a relationship.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:18pm
I'd like to thank everybody that posted something here. I've been thinking the exact same thing, that there was something wrong with me. I'm finally coming to realize that my latest rejection wasn't me, it was all him. He didn't seem like he wanted a relationship at all so just because he didn't want one with me doesn't mean it was because of me. I only wish I realized this before I met him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:23pm

ok - I'm not going to give you the "too normal" speech again - but I am going to say that whatever you focus on tends to be true. If you focus on "something's gotta be wrong - I'm not normal" - guess what you manifest?

Have you changed your approach to online?

I was changing my profile on average of about once per month.

That means rip out all the main text and replace it.

At first I was getting just about anyone and everyone replying. People who were not good matches but loved that I was writing about being outside and knowing about the four kinds of snakes you never touch (big ones, little ones,live ones, dead ones) while hiking. I found that didn't attract who I knew my core was (single parents) - so I changed it! And kept changing and fine tuning it until it started to attract the right people.

I struggled with figuring out whether people were interested and how to followup after an initial meet - so I fine tuned that. I adopted the SWSWSWSW attitude (some will, some won't, so what, someone else is waiting).

BUT - you can't judge everything online - as I've said before - ONLINE SUCKS as a measure of the real world.

The only thing online does is give you more chances (aka practice) than you would have IRL. Those chances will be with people who are not always what they seem. Just because it widens the possibility pool - it doesn't mean the pool is higher quality and you'll match up with those folks.

If I were you - I'd quadruple my chances of rejection.....(that's actually the first thing I figured out about succeeding online) --you read that right FAIL MORE OFTEN - and not less.

Revamp your profile and if you aren't getting enough responses on your site -- then get the heck off and try another.

There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with your profile that tweaking won't fix - so get to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:25pm

I used to feel that way when I was younger - when I hit adolescence, I became an "ugly duckling" of sorts: I wore bad clothes (my mom always took me shopping in the "misses" sections instead of the juniors department), I had glasses, frizzy hair, acne, AND braces.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:27pm

I used to feel that something was wrong with me, but not anymore. Having said that I know there are things that I need to work on. I'll be doing that for the rest of my life.

I think that most people dont't feel that character matters...so alot of people don't bother with the important qualities like integrity, honesty, etc. Hollywood also has guys thinking that all women should be size 4 when the reality is that the average woman's size is 12 or 14. Not much we can do about that. I am middle aged and have gained some weight that I am having a hard time losing. But most of the guys I've gone out with aren't great specimens either.

I'm with Sheri...I am trying to have the best life I can. If someone comes along that I want to share it with fine. If not, I'm okay.

JH, don't let the bs get you down...I too haven't been much of a dater. The most I've ever dated was this past 1 1/2 that I've been OLD. Its been an interesting experience.

Claribeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:48pm

At this point I'm not so worried about the number of responses that I'm getting to my profile.


What's getting me down is actually talking to men, going on dates, having a nice time, and never hearing from the guy again.

 

 

 

Pages