Do you have any advice for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Do you have any advice for me?
10
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:38am
Please can anyone help me? I feel like a nutcase. Long story as short as possible, here goes. I was married for 18 years to my highschool sweetheart. He cheated on me the first year we were together, I found out. He made his choice, I and our 9 month old child. I forgave and did a good job of forgetting. We had a great marriage. Everyone envied us. Well, 17 years later he gets caught up in an EA with this same chick. She had just recently moved back to the area. When I found out we tried working on this again, went to couseling but in the end he is weak and she is obsessed. She could make him feel like he was the only one in this world, I couldn't, we had three kids, they needed me too. I warned him I would file for divorce and I did. He didn't want it but he knew he couldn't put me through this anymore. I didn't really want it but knew there was no other choice. Needless to say, I still love him but know we can never be together again, he still loves me but knows she will never go away and we both know that I will still attend all of our kids sporting events, concerts, etc. My kids consume my life and they are only a part of his. We have three kids together so we are still in constant contact, it works for him and me, we are still best friends, we just don't ever put ourselves in a position to be alone together (we both know what would happen so we don't take that chance). He is not what is confusing me at the moment, I had a relationship with a guy for about 9 months, things were good between us, not great but they were good. He possessed alot of what my exhusband lacks to have been a good husband, but he also did lack what my exhusband was good at. Exhusband was a great provider, (still is), ex boyfriend couldn't hold a job, still lived with his parents, had four kids of his own that he is suppose to be paying child support for. So, if we did anything, it was always what I wanted, but it was always that I paid too. He would go anywhere I wanted to go, do anything that I wanted to do, I was in total control. I couldn't do it anymore. My resents me were starting to cause problems between us. We were fighting all the time, it wasn't working anymore, so I finally told him we weren't right for each other, and the truth is I totally believe this. He also hated the fact that my exhusband would always pitch in and help me out whenever he could, fixing my vehicle or other things that the boyfriend couldn't do. So move on I have. Now I posted a profile on yahoo, I did it just to see, well the responses have been overwhelming, I find myself having more dates then freetime. But there are two guys that stand out above the rest. Neither know about the other, and I don't think either would appreciate it either. I want to get to know both of them better, I am not one for making quick decisions (think things through way too much). My problem is it is starting to wear me out, I can't lie (never could), if either asks a direct question if there is anyone else, it could be the end before the beginning because I would have to tell the truth. I don't want to have to choose between them yet. I could make the wrong choice. Of course, the ex has made his opinion known, don't go out with either of them. He doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. It is just who he is, I know him and his opinion doesn't matter about such things. So because he is my best friend but can't help me with this one, I have turned to you guys. I have been reading these boards for about 2 years now and love how you can be turned to in an hour of despair and jump right in to lend some advice. So I ask you this, what do I do?? Know this, I don't HAVE to be with anyone, I love my life as is but a male companion will make it only better, and I can't do the fwb thing, I need to find someone special because that is something that I will only share with them. I am sorry I tried to make this as short as possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:53am

If you had really wanted to make it short, all we needed was:

<<>>

So tell them both you aren't ready to be exclusive.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:58am

Hi and welcome out of lurkdom! And congratulations on getting so many replies on Yahoo and on meeting two great guys.

#1 - Ignore your ex. It sounds like you have a perfect handle on that situation. He does not have your best interests at heart. He can't remain faithful and yet he doesn't want you to move on and find someone else making it so you might not need him anymore. Sorry, but he can't have it both ways! You've moved on and dating new people is the best way to deal with that.

#2 - Why do you have to choose at this point? If you are in the early stages of dating, you are under no obligation to choose, become exclusive or even tell one about the other. Yes, if one asks you a direct question of "Are you seeing other guys?" then you should tell the truth and say yes but you don't need to offer details or anything else. And you don't need to volunteer this info either. I think you can assume that they are dating others unless they tell you otherwise.

#3 - Take your time getting to know each of them and have fun. It's your own choice, but IMO, I would not become intimate (sex) with either of them until I was exclusive with one but that's me. Also take care in introducing either to your kids until you are sure about exclusivity - no point in having your kids get attached to someone that you have no intention of getting serious with!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:04pm

ITA with vexer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:21pm

You shouldnt make yourself feel obligated to either one of the men being that you just got out of two relationships, just tell them that you are keeping your options open even though you like them (tell them that seperatly) you shouldn't tell you ex all your business because he will probably give you bad advice, and you will be yourself. I myself have been in this situation with the ex being the best friend, and he still is my best friend to this day, i talk to him about my relatinships but i just dont tell him everything and change the facts about a lot of stuff. Keep you ex on a need to know basis. Try to find another friend who could turn out to be your best friend. Does your ex tell you everything that is going in his relationships? probably not, and he probably also changes facts too. I say keep your obtions open, dont be so quick to feel obligated to any man too soon. when you rush you make rash decisions which could not be the best for you or your kids. As you can tell from the leach just broke up with, I've been there before too.. picked a looser to fill a void.

Have the best of both worlds and just date until you are really ready to settle down.

Good luck. P.s. I am a mom too

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:48pm

I disagree that she has to say anything to either guy until she's asked. It doesn't seem that there has been talk about exclusivity and until there is, why bring it up? It's putting the cart before the horse IMO. She goes and says "I really like you but I don't want to date just you yet and I am keeping my options open". And here's the guy going "Huh? I don't remember asking!" and thinks she's jumping the gun. That's a turnoff to me and could be for the guys as well.

But I do agree on not telling the ex details. However, I would not LIE and change details. I simply would not tell him and also ask him (nicely or not) to butt out of my personal life because it's no longer his business who I see.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:37pm
Thank you all for your words. Time is not an issue, I am in no hurry. I really don't want to be in another relationship right now but the problem is there are only two types of guys out there. One is the kind that don't want a relationship either but do like the friends with benefit thing (and I won't do that) or the kind that are looking for a relationship and have no problem expressing that(which tends to push me away). About the kids, I never involve the kids, there will be a time for that when it is right and I will know when that is. About the ex, for the most part his opinion does matter that is why were married for 18 years but we don't think the same about some things that is why we are divorced. But this is a small town and word travels fast, I mainly keep him update just so he doesn't hear from elsewhere, I don't want him hurt. Yes he hurt me but I am not the "eye for an eye" kind of person. I no longer take to heart what he says. In one ear out the other. Now for the poster who so graciously pointed out how I could have kept it shorter, thank you for bringing that to my attention but without the other you could not possibly begin to grasp what kind of person that I am. My biggest problem here is, I am so straightforward and honest that this whole dating more than one guy at a time wears me out. I don't want to make a wrong choice but I also don't want to deceive either one. These two guys are the type that when they are seeing one they don't see another, and that is the kind of guy I do want to be with (faithful, trustworthy) and that is how I am, I don't feel that way right now. I guess I was looking for someone to tell me that I am not being dishonest, or deceiving. It just so happens that I met them the exact same day, they made the first phone call on the same exact day, both call me daily just to check on how things are going in my life, both have asked me out for the new year? I can't choose one over the other at this point so I have decided not to see either one. No I certainly am not going to see another, that would be like jumping from the pot into the fire. I am going to spend it with a group of old friends instead. I will feel better this way. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:03pm

<>

I think you've got a pretty good handle on this and that was a wise decision. I agree with what's been said so far...A)This really isn't any of the ex's business B) Until the subject of exclusivity is discussed (doesn't sound like you want that at this point anyway) there's no need to say anything to either guy. If one or the other asks if you're seeing anyone else, then I wouldn't lie but they don't need details.

If you met on an OLD site it's safe to assume they're seeing others too. I think the most important issue about dating more than one person is whether there is sex involved, that's really what he's gonna want to know if and when one or the other asks about whether or not you're seeing others. IMO that's when exclusivity needs to be discussed.
Good Luck to you, enjoy and be safe.

Just my 2 cents,
Michele

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:12pm

No, you are not being dishonest or deceitful. I find that one of the hardest things about OLD too but it is the unfortunate nature of the beast that you really need to date more than one person at a time even if you've always been a one-man-woman. It's tough but until you get to know both, you shouldn't close down your option of either. Like Jennie said, it will probably be clear pretty soon that one is more/less right for you. But until that time, you really have to get to know each of them better. You are not exclusive with either so while it feels awkward, you do not have to limit yourself to one person until you are exclusive.

I think your handle on NYE is good too. Since you are undecided about them right now, it's not fair to go on what is usually a pretty special (and can be romantic) holiday with one. Keep your options open! And spending it with friends is a good idea.

Last, I don't think sisfox meant anything mean by her post (see the wink emoticon at the top of the post) about keeping it short. I used to forget to look at the emoticons. With the wink, she was "funning" with you since you'd said yourself it was so long and she was joking/winking that you could have just said that and said all we really neeed to know! :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:17pm
I agree with that.. don't ask don't tell..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:18pm

"These two guys are the type that when they are seeing one they don't see another"


So this

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