Does anyone follow "The Rules"?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Does anyone follow "The Rules"?
14
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 6:25pm
I was surfing around Ivillage and found two articles that contradict themselves. One is about The Rules:

Online Dating: Do you know the rules for finding Mr. Right?

http://quiz.ivillage.com/relationships/tests/onlinedating.htm

and the other is about being aggressive:

Be Aggressive: 8 Surefire Ways to Get a Date

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/onlinedating/articles/0,,166858_538421,00.html

I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. I am wondering since I made the first move with this guy on Sunday, if I should wait for him to make the next move?

~*~ Catherine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:22pm
I have followed the Wednesday rule and the rule about not asking men out in the beginning especially, since 1982 or earlier - the Wednesday rule was around long before the book was published! Sure I have made exceptions - but very very few and never with anyone I got serious with. If you did ask this guy out I would consider the ball to be in his court. I also like the Rules book (the original) in the way it considers communication (as in don't be too chatty), sex, space, etc. Game? I don't think so - but many do. To each her own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:59am
I'm not an expert by any long shot, but I think you should wait it out a little. Just a day or two. If he's interested, he'll be quite eager. If not, *shrug*, then no harm done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 11:34am
My rule of thumb, is dont believe everything you read or hear. lol Even with the advice you get here, dont believe everything you hear here either. It is all how you see yourself and what you want out of a potential date or mate. If you want a man, then go after him. lol If you want to play the game of "hard to get" , then do that as well. It is just based on the personality of the two involved I feel. I would not follow any rules with on line dating, except for safety. Other than that, its all fair game to me. I read articles and all advice given to me and keep it all in mind, but I never just follow one standard alone. Mix it up a bit, I say. Take some articles rules here and there, try em out, see if they work, if not take some advice from the board, then if not...do your own thing. lol Thats just my opinion.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:33pm
You should definity wait for his reply as you have made your interest known.

You'll know if he is online and hasn't replied to you yet and then when he does reply after a few days of surfing about,think about how you still feel and then respond.

All the articles ever posted are for women to empower ourselves of the safeties and pits in this form of dating.A shy girl can take pointers but never be aggressive,similarly,the tomboy girl cannot act too girly,but take pointers....so it finally comes down to Who you really are and if you like someone,you should be you....For later,it will come out anyway.

Anya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:44pm
I agree with the basic premise. I never play a game of hard to get. I do let a man I am interested in do most of the pursuing because the type of man who would want things the other way around would not be desirable/attractive to me. Do I make decisions not to call when I "feel" like it - of course - just like I am making the decision not to finish the yummy cookie on my desk even though I really feel like eating it -because it will give me a stomachache and so the short term sweetness is not worth the long term aggravation. Do I tell my new bf that I love him because I am feeling it - where he hasn't said the same to me yet - no, I make the decision not to because I want him to say it first. Game? No - decisions/strategizing - yes. A man I am interested in is not my ally - he is more like my adversary in the beginning - he has the power to reject me by not calling, by not asking me out again - until I know him better and trust him and see his interest, I am not going to spill my guts to him and my deepest secrets and share my body because that is too big a risk for me to take with my emotional and physical health. Game? No. Caring for myself by not giving in to every whim I might have? Yes.

Was not posting to start a debate - just to share what happens to work for me and to agree totally that you have to take all these posts and articles and books with a grain of salt and see how they integrate into your specific experiences - or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:26pm
I got ya. I have to say, you are totally right about all you wrote. It is a strategy in the beginning. Yes, I will second that. :) (dont freak cause I agreed with you, either..) lol You did get me curious though...lol So, how many dates have you been on with this guy, Deena??? Is it getting serious??? Details, girl! Details!!

Gail :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 4:46pm
LOL - I would say probably about a dozen - I think it is progressing just fine/normally - I have known him for two years and his younger brother for seven so this is not someone I "just met" - we were friendly for the last year, better friends since the Fall and his brother and I have been close friends for the last 5 years or more. Despite the friendship, once we started dating you can bet that I followed The Rules - and it worked for me in the sense that we both seemed comfortable with the routine - he did the vast majority of the calling/emailing so far, the vast majority of the asking especially in the beginning and he never asked me out for a weekend date after Tuesday I think except tihs past weekend when we had tentative plans on Saturday and they were confirmed on Saturday.

The amusing part of it though - on our first "date" - I wasn't sure if it was a date or friends going out - felt more like friends - so at the end I said "hey we should do this again sometime!" which I would never, ever say to a "first date" - he agreed. At that point I had been on a dating frenzy and it felt so good to kick back with a "friend" and to be able to say "hey we should do this again!" Life's little ironies!

Thanks for your post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 6:00pm
WOW! Well, I am truly happy for you, Deena. So, do you have any sort of idea how it is going? I mean, has he given you any clues to a more exclusive relationship, or do you not want that with him right now? I guess what I am asking is, since you already know him, do you feel he is a potential mate for you? Doesnt knowing him skip over some of the first meeting rules...lol I am really glad you got to take a break from the science of on line dating for a night or two. Are you still looking on line? Im just a nosy rosy, arent I? lol I think its great. Really.

gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:22pm
Thanks for your post!! I am reluctant to post more details because of the jinx factor and just in case he ever reads this. What I will tell you - which will sound weird - is that all the rules kicked in for me - despite the friendship - dating is a whole different ball game - however the fact that we are friends means that there are less "surprises" and a greater sense of comfort and familiarity. Before we started dating we had general conversations about where he would want to raise kids (right here in Manhattan) how, as far as religiously (we are both Jewish), and since we started dating he said he does not believe in dating for a whole year without being engaged, and I agree. I have in the past few weeks met certain of his close friends - all lovely - and his mother - same - in the next few weeks there will be a Jewish holiday so I will meet more of his family, we have a bat mitzvah and two business functions/dinners this weekend. He has met several of my friends - why - because in the past two years I set him up with three of them - LOL! He hopefully will meet more next week. As far as potential - let's just say if I didn't think so I wouldn't be dating him and I believe he feels the same way. Having said all that - it is very early - will be only 2 months on Sunday - and I think we need several more months to know whether we are truly a match - I think we both want to take things at a reasonable pace.

Thanks again for asking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 1:37am
Hi Catherine-

I have to confess, I have followed "the rules" fairly closely, with great results.

I don't believe in playing games, hiding my personality, but I also don't believe in being aggressive with men or giving too much of myself away too soon. In my book, a man has to EARN my time and attention.

Different things work for different people, and you'll have to determine what kind of relationship you want. I wanted to be loved, respected, and cherished. I wanted the man for me to prove himself.

I met my fiance online, about 8 months ago. I DID initiate contact (by responding to his ad) but after that, he chased me down for dates (we lived 10 miles apart) and he ultimately asked me to marry him.

Good luck to you, and enjoy the board :)


HS

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