Does anyone understand this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Does anyone understand this?
18
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 6:28pm
You have a great first meet. Conversation flows. You don't want the evening to end. Kissing is great. And then you don't hear from him again? Why is that? This has happened to me more than I can count. What am I doing wrong?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 6:36pm
Personally I've found that it means he's seeing several other people and just looking around before settling on just one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 7:01pm

It could be any number of things:

a. He got scared
b. He's a player
c. He changed his mind

then again....

d. He came to his senses and realized he wasn't good enough for you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 7:09pm

LOL! I wish!

Last night's date has now hidden his profile or taken it down. Now I totally feel like pond scum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:32am
If this is happening often, I think we need a lot more information to hypothesize what is going on. It might be that you are choosing substandard men, or not behaving yourself while on a first meet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:59am
What do you mean by not behaving myself? I'm curious. I guess I shouldn't be smooching at all. I took it no further. I don't think what I did or didn't do warranted him taking his profile down and blowing me off. Online dating is brutal and I thought I was a veteran. People's behaviour never ceases to amaze me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 9:17am

There is a delicate balance on a first meet in order to sustain or create interest. My rules are as such:

1. No alcoholic beverages (safety and clear head)
2. Daytime only (safety)
3. Limited duration (date will need to ask for follow-up date)
4. Do more question asking than answering
5. No smooching
6. No negativity (you can talk about your childhood at a later time)
7. No discussing past relationships (again, more time for that later)
8. Discussion should be kept light and upbeat, you are a positive person and need to convey that.

Mind you, these are just my general rules, they don't apply to everyone but they have worked well for me in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:01am

This stuff happens all the time. It doesn't excuse it, but it does. I definitely agree with chamey's "rules" in general. On a first meet with an OLD guy, I don't know him from a serial killer on the street so I play it as safe as possible.

Also IMO, if the guy doesn't line up the second date while still on the first (or at least suggest a second date), then he's not really interested. This guy could still come back - it's only been two days, but if I were you, I'd count on it to be because he hasn't found anyone more interesting. Not an insult to you by any means, but it sounds like maybe he was on the fence anyway. He got some smooches and figured he'd keep you on the back burner.

If I were you, move on and be careful the next time. I usually view that first meet as more an "interview" or meeting to see if we get along. If we do, we move to a real date. That way, I am not emotionally invested in anything and don't take it personally.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:19am
Great advice from both you and Chamey. Thank you very much. Would your advice change if you weren't looking for a relationship? I'm only going to be in this area one more year so I'm looking for someone to hang out with on occasion. I don't see myself settling down here at all. How would you word your profile as such?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:50am

That's a tough one to put myself in since I AM looking for a relationship. However, I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of situations like this if that's what you're looking for. Did you tell him up front you weren't looking for something serious? If so, I bet he viewed this as casual and didn't see the need to call you back since you are not looking for that from him. You're walking a fine line here - you're expecting a guy to act like he would if you're looking for a relationship, and yet you're not looking for one. Guys are not going to get emotionally invested and play by the "dating rules" if it's not going to turn into a relationship. So this guy could still call you. He knows it's not going anywhere so he doesn't have to do the "correct" thing by asking for the second date on the first or by calling right away.

Sounds like he is treating it casually or maybe he just wasn't interested in pursuing it past a few kisses and a nice first date when he knew that you were not into something more than casual. He could have decided he didn't want to risk getting attached if you were not going to be around.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:41pm
Naw, he's not going to call. I asked him to call me when he got home that night because it was really snowing. He said he would. He never did. The next day I texted, I left a voicemail, and I emailed. No response. The only reason I know that he made it home okay is that he took his profile down. Despite whether I want a relationship or not, I believe it is rude to leave someone hanging like that. I was worried about him. Like I would be for anyone driving in those conditions. A simple "yes I made it home okay" would have been a nice thing to do. He's history.

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