Does online dating hurt your self-esteem
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| Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:20pm |
Hi there- I'm wondering if any of you are having the same reaction to OLD. I recently met someone from match- we corresponded for a couple of weeks until I got back in town from a business trip. The messages back and forth were fast and furious, one phonecall during which he professed to being in the market for a real relationship at this point. I didn't have pictures posted, and I couldn't send any b/c I was away. I got back, send pictures, and went on a preagreed date. Had a nice time, was interested in fleshing things out further (no pun intended!), but then get the ole "I'm going through a transition now and can't see myself pursuing a relationship right now."
Ok, so it was a diplomatic way of saying "I was not attracted to you in person." I understand that- its happened in the opposite direction for me. Its so hard to say that to someone, so its easier to just make up a polite excuse.
But the thing is this- I'm in my late 30's, single, professional, interesting, accomplished, educated. I am, on paper, a catch. I am not traditionally "attractive" by the standards I think most men consider. I am short, and stocky (I am a bit overweight, but losing fast!). I don't have a classically beautiful face. But I've got spirit, and depth. I really do long for a meaningful relationship with a partner I've got some things in common with. But it seems time and time again I am shot down by men I meet online, and it really *has* to be about attraction. Its so hard to keep one's self esteem intact.
What do do? In these day and ages, OLD is *the* way people meet. I am just getting really down about the ability of men to see beyond the face, and the body, and to see me. Depressing. Seriously, I've considered just plain stopping the search, and being happy with the loving friends and family who surround me.
Can any of you relate to this?

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Yes, I can totally relate to having people not be attracted to me (or vice versa), but honestly, it doesn't affect my self-esteem. It's not *personal*, ya know? If I'm not attracted to someone, I know that's not any sort of *judgment* on my part of that person, it's just fact, I'm not attracted to him...so why would I take someone not being attracted to me to mean that there's something wrong with me?
I'm 47 and overweight...reasonably attractive but not beautiful by any means...I recognize that some, maybe even most, men are not going to find me attractive. But there are still quite a few men who do so I just don't let the ones who aren't trouble me.
But there's no doubt OLD is about attraction, at least initially...so you might want to focus on other ways of meeting people where you can get to know them over time (such as shared activities), either in addition to or instead of OLD.
Also, I have found that I might not be interested in someone NOT because I'm not attracted to him, but due to other things about them that were apparent in the first meeting...so don't assume that with this guy, it was *necessarily* about attraction.
Sheri
Hi!
I was also dating on match.com for a bit and I can totally understand your frustation.
I consider myself to be a good "catch". I'm 31, professional with a good job, very interesting, well educated, well read, etc. I have tons of guy friends, (I love movies, sports and beer all things that guys love)!
Anyway, when I first joined match, I got tons of winks and e-mails, but as soon as I sent a picture they'd disappear. Like you, I'm not "classically" beautiful, whatever the heck that means! I'm average height with a bit of weight on me, (I'm 5'4" and weigh 140), don't have a beautiful face, my my personality is killer.
What solved this problem for me was to just go ahead and post a picture on match. After I did that, I only got e-mails/winks from guys who were already interested in me regardless of my few extra pounds!
I also agree with the last poster, don't take it personally. Beauty is only skin deep and it fades. You want a guy who likes you inside and out!
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. By the way, I did finally find my "match"! He's the most wonderful man I've ever met and I'm so glad I stuck with it.
~A~
Yes, yes, yes, yes I can absolutely relate to this. And I'll tell you this -
Wait about a year, lose the rest of the weight you want to lose. Work hard at it.
And THEN go back to online. You'll see a difference. Trust me.
Bottom line - men care about what we look like. All else is secondary. Yeah it's depressing but unfortunately that's the way it is. I say this because I myself was doing online dating and getting the same lame excuses. I was also about 60 pounds overweight.
Then I lost all that weight. And now, at this point, I wouldn't even consider doing online dating anymore because I meet men almost every day. The online thing would be a waste of time.
Geeze I sound like a commercial. But I'm serious. It makes that much difference.
I am fifty, returning to dating after 20+ years due to divorce. And I want to say that on the one hand I agree--OLD is very hard on self-esteem. On the other hand, part of the reason we keep getting "rejected" is really that we are meeting (or at least making contact) with more prospects in a briefer period of time and with fewer uncertainties about whether the guy is available or not.
In my mid to late twenties I was thin and rather pretty. I had a sense of humor, a sense of rhythm (for dancing) a promising career, domestic skills (I'm a good cook) and was generally considered a good catch by people who commented on such things. But you know what? I spent many Saturday nights without dates. My friends and I often had trouble meeting nice men, and we complained about the ones we met who didn't find us attractive enough to call back. I felt "rejected" when, after a party, the guy I'd bonded with at the party (and maybe even kissed) never called me. I felt "rejected" when a guy who'd asked me out on one date showed no interest in asking me out for a second. I felt "rejected" when a guy a friend said was "perfect" for me obviously didn't share the idea when we met.
How is all of this different from what we go through in OLD?
Dating is frustrating and depressing. Until you find "the one" (and he feels that you are "the one" too) you tend to feel inadequate and unwanted many times. The only alternative is to stop searching. But then you'll never find someone.
Yeah, but this makes me soooooo sad. It may very well be that what men are interested in first and foremost is what a woman looks like, but that saddens me to the core. I want to scream out "I am a person- not just a body."
Seriously, I fear that when I lose all the weight I want to lose in order to be healthy and even more active, I'm going to be carrying this big, giant chip on my shoulder about men. If all of a sudden I'm getting all this attention, what the hell does that say about them?
That's exactly how I feel!! I'm the weight I want to be and I carry this HUGE attitude on my shoulder! And I don't know if I was better off being heavy and miserable because of my weight or now being thinner and angry at NOW how men are totally interested in me when two years ago they wouldn't give me the time of day!
I don't know what to tell you. I'll say this: people are shallow. Women too - I'm not going to lump just men into this. I knew I was always a great catch even when I was heavier. So why am I considered "attractive" just because I'm a little thinner??
It is depressing. But I lost the weight to be healthy. I brought down my blood sugar to normal and my blood pressure to normal. And THAT'S why I did it. Not for a guy. And that's what I keep having to remind myself of. And most of the time, when a guy now hits on me, I'm polite but I roll my eyes when he's not looking. :)
I have dealt with all of what you are going through. I decided last september to commit myself to one service(eharmony) for one year, so after this fall, if it hasn't happened online, I will be all done. With only one exception, I have found the people I have met are successful in many ways, but many are far to shallow to keep my interest. The one exception is a gentleman I dated last summer for a few weeks. He commented that it 'might be' the 'age thing', but it wasn't working for him. He is 55 and I am 46. He had commented that I was attractive, so just this once my looks were not an issue. It seems like a lot of work and very limited results to me..Good luck to you.
E
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But maybe there are also other factors why you find it easier to get dates now--like you may be just more motivated to date now than two years ago, more open to meeting new people? Maybe it is something about your attitude and behavior that has changed (like maybe you were too busy to date before), not just the extra pounds?
>>>Wait about a year, lose the rest of the weight you want to lose. Work hard at it. Bottom line - men care about what we look like. All else is secondary. >>>
I have to say that I couldn't agree less with the comments above. I understand that there are a lot of men who just care about how skinny a girl is and don't want to take the time to get to know a "fat" girl. I'm including myself in the "fat" girl category even though I am not. I'm 5'4" and weigh 140 pounds which is pretty close to ideal for me. I used to weigh a lot more, (265), and even then I didn't have a problem getting boyfriends. I decided to change my lifestyle, (eating habits, exercise habits, etc.), because I have type 1/juvenile diabetes and I was basically eating my way to a quick death.
Even now at a more "ideal" weight I wouldn't date a guy who had a problem with my weight at anytime in my life! It's funny but I came to a crazy realization just a few weeks ago that I don't think a lot of women ever get to and it's really too bad. I realized, (Randomly while walking down the hall at work), that I love my body! I have hips and a bit of a belly and breasts and I'm just the way I was intended to be! I will never be a woman who has 0% body fat and I'm okay with that! I am a woman and my extra weight gives me some curves!
I say lose weight if you want to because you want to, not because you think it'll help you get a guy. If you decide to stay exactly like you are, good for you, go find a guy who will love you for who you are and what you are!
Good luck
April
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