Does online dating hurt your self-esteem
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| Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:20pm |
Hi there- I'm wondering if any of you are having the same reaction to OLD. I recently met someone from match- we corresponded for a couple of weeks until I got back in town from a business trip. The messages back and forth were fast and furious, one phonecall during which he professed to being in the market for a real relationship at this point. I didn't have pictures posted, and I couldn't send any b/c I was away. I got back, send pictures, and went on a preagreed date. Had a nice time, was interested in fleshing things out further (no pun intended!), but then get the ole "I'm going through a transition now and can't see myself pursuing a relationship right now."
Ok, so it was a diplomatic way of saying "I was not attracted to you in person." I understand that- its happened in the opposite direction for me. Its so hard to say that to someone, so its easier to just make up a polite excuse.
But the thing is this- I'm in my late 30's, single, professional, interesting, accomplished, educated. I am, on paper, a catch. I am not traditionally "attractive" by the standards I think most men consider. I am short, and stocky (I am a bit overweight, but losing fast!). I don't have a classically beautiful face. But I've got spirit, and depth. I really do long for a meaningful relationship with a partner I've got some things in common with. But it seems time and time again I am shot down by men I meet online, and it really *has* to be about attraction. Its so hard to keep one's self esteem intact.
What do do? In these day and ages, OLD is *the* way people meet. I am just getting really down about the ability of men to see beyond the face, and the body, and to see me. Depressing. Seriously, I've considered just plain stopping the search, and being happy with the loving friends and family who surround me.
Can any of you relate to this?

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I agree and disagree. I think who we are, are our bodies and our intellect and our personality and our attitude and our experience and our families and ... well you get my point.
I believe how we take care ourselves physically is a partial reflection in who we are, e.g. what we decide to put into our bodies (fast food, etc.), whether we exercise or not. Most people notice that they feel good about themselves (regardless of what others think) when they do that.
I also believe physically attractiveness is something that we all look for in some way or another. I know that there is more to a person than our corpreal bodies and that it fades in time.
So in terms of looking for a mate, I look for someone who does take care of herself physically for I work on myself (workout daily, eat healthy).
Make sense?
Mark
Mark, I totally agree. However, I work HARD at getting in shape & have a positive self-image because of it. Yes, I was once morbidly obese because I ate junk & never worked out. I have a few extra to lose & any guy who won't consider looking past those extra 20 pounds (I'm not fat yet not slim) at this point is just a fool. Granted, I may not be a match for other reasons (me not wanting my own kids & also owning a cat sometimes comes into play there) but there's nothing wrong with my personality, character or inner self that would turn away a majority of men. The ones who are REALLY stuck on looks would probably look past me thinking I don't take care of myself because they never get past my larger hips to find out that I'm a dynamic, magnetic woman. The guys who give women a chance (and women who give men like that a chance) will be the better for it.
Granted, I also look for outer beauty as part of a whole package, but I'm willing to meet guys with extra padding IF they try to lead a healthy, active lifestyle. But I try to find that out before nexting them.
So, I agree with a lot of your post. I do think both sides tend to put too much emphasis on outer beauty as a whole. However, there are bound to be people we're not attracted to, no matter what. I think if you look at someone, though, & think "If only he/she was 30 pounds slimmer" he/she would be a hottie...I think every single person ought to at least spend a few minutes with them to get the full story. Maybe they've already lost 200 pounds & are in the last legs (like me) or they have such a great personality that after 15 minutes of conversation, suddenly you don't even see the extra pounds. There are so many diamonds in the rough out there.
I did have to laugh as I saw a profile from a guy on Match the other day who said size/looks don't matter, that it was inner beauty he was looking for, yet his preferred body type was slim/slender & that's it. I had to laugh at that one! Maybe he made a boo-boo when clicking his preferences, but I thought that was rich.
Just my 2 cents.
Annie
My 49 yr old friend who likes older men tells me that she realized that she had to accept that most men in their 50s just don't take care of themselves physically. She is in love with this 55 yr old guy who has a pot belly (not sure about his dietary habits).
So is she lowering her standards? accepting reality? prioritizing what is important to her in a mate?
I have heard and read time and time again that people "want it all" and that "they deserve it" in having the ideal mate. I believe that sometimes life presents us the ideaal mate without us really recognizing him/her since we are stuck on our limited view what "ideal" is.
Mark
You know, I agree with Mark in a way- of course to a certain extent our bodies reflect who we are- do we work out, do we eat healthily. And of course physical attraction needs to be present for both people in order for a romantic relationship to move forward....
But I am in total agreement with the reply to Mark's post as well- everyone should take a moment to pause, and consider a person in their totality. And, as much as I hate to say this, I think *overall* men are shallow in this regard. If the physical component is not there for them immediately, and they meet you for the first time "blind," then they aren't goint to want to take the time to get to know you. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I think, on the, whole, women are more apt to listen to a person, and to form attraction perhaps secondarily, based on who a person is as much as what their body reflects. Just my $.02.
But the thing is this- if you are merely concerned with a woman's body because it reflects that she works out, eats well, respects herself- I am the POSTER child for that. And yet I am curvacious, not because I don't care, but because 1) its what nature dealt me and 2) i've had health issues that kept me from being as active as I normally am.
I'll tell ya what- I think for now I'm done with OLD. Its just too hurtful. I am going to meet who I meet in person, and if that means I meet only 10%of the men I would have connected with online, well, so be it. I'd rather be short on dates than short on self esteem.
I could I written that. I am curvy, no doubt about it. To most men, that means fat. At 5'7" and somewhere around 150 lbs, I'm hardly overweight, but I'm not the normal stick either, I'll always have hips. And no, I don't work out much, because I really don't need to. Even if I DID, I'd never be skinny - It's not how my body is. I am sick and tired of men thinking that curvy means unhealthy and that I don't care about my body enough to make myself slender. Sorry, it's NEVER going to happen.
And to stay on topic, yes, it does hurt my self esteem.
Well misery loves company. This is the first time I've been on the online dating message board, usually I'm on the Long Distance, sometimes the Is it meant to be? message boards. It seems so easy why is it so hard to find someone? Maybe we're too picky!? Have a splendid weekend.
By the way I've tried online dating at 16-17 back in the late 90s, it was a woman's world back then.
Edited 6/10/2006 1:06 pm ET by bluemackerel
It seems easy but it isn't.
I think OLD gives the illusion that it is easy because it seems to do away with what to many people seems like the biggest problem: identifying the available, attractive people out there.
But that's only one portion of the problem, there is also compatibility, the stage in our lives that we're in, and more. Also I think that "available" is more than being ready to post a profile and a picture on an OLD site. Some people who start OLD are just not "available"--they are doing it to carry out some kind of a fantasy or as a sort of test which doesn't really take into account the other people out there.
It would be nice if we didn't have to deal with all these people who are only playing with the idea of being "available" and who act as though they are shopping at a supermarket (no, this one's eyes are the wrong color, this one's hair is too short, this other one's favorite TV program is one I don't like, this one doesn't list scuba diving among hobbies...). But at least we do get to meet some people.
I am very grateful for this group here at i-village, because it lets me vent and also get a sense of what others go through. It makes me feel less isolated in this very strange news experience of OLD.
Elsa
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