Does online dating hurt your self-esteem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Does online dating hurt your self-esteem
24
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:20pm

Hi there- I'm wondering if any of you are having the same reaction to OLD. I recently met someone from match- we corresponded for a couple of weeks until I got back in town from a business trip. The messages back and forth were fast and furious, one phonecall during which he professed to being in the market for a real relationship at this point. I didn't have pictures posted, and I couldn't send any b/c I was away. I got back, send pictures, and went on a preagreed date. Had a nice time, was interested in fleshing things out further (no pun intended!), but then get the ole "I'm going through a transition now and can't see myself pursuing a relationship right now."

Ok, so it was a diplomatic way of saying "I was not attracted to you in person." I understand that- its happened in the opposite direction for me. Its so hard to say that to someone, so its easier to just make up a polite excuse.

But the thing is this- I'm in my late 30's, single, professional, interesting, accomplished, educated. I am, on paper, a catch. I am not traditionally "attractive" by the standards I think most men consider. I am short, and stocky (I am a bit overweight, but losing fast!). I don't have a classically beautiful face. But I've got spirit, and depth. I really do long for a meaningful relationship with a partner I've got some things in common with. But it seems time and time again I am shot down by men I meet online, and it really *has* to be about attraction. Its so hard to keep one's self esteem intact.

What do do? In these day and ages, OLD is *the* way people meet. I am just getting really down about the ability of men to see beyond the face, and the body, and to see me. Depressing. Seriously, I've considered just plain stopping the search, and being happy with the loving friends and family who surround me.

Can any of you relate to this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:11pm

BRILLIANT observations. OLD does engender a "supermarket" approach.... one browses the aisles, maybe you're really hungry, or maybe you're eating to alliviate stress, or maybe you're shopping just because its habit. So all these people who call themselves "available" may be any iteration of that.

I, too, am thankful for this board. =0)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:25pm

Well don't give up! My longest relationship, 3 years, was a guy I met in college. A month after we broke up he met a girl off matchmaker.com (she contacted him and he didn't even pay for the service) and he ended up marrying her. There was a very small window which he was online and available and she happened to get to him. What sites do you try? In 1998 I did exciteclassifieds and mIRC chatroom, in 2003 I tried match.com for a month and then in 2004 I put one ad up Craigslist... in 2005 I joined myspace and lived w/ a guy from there. Yes I don't like these people who are just playing and "not sure". We only live to be so long you know! No one is perfect.. sometimes I don't know how much I should put up with and what's a deal breaker either.

But now I'm not really looking... I'm in a weird situation. Do you ever watch sex and the city?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 3:42pm

And some of the items on the shelf are obviously past their expiration date. ;)

Had a guy who looks positively embalmed on his photo e-mail me. He is 61 (or so he says) and says he is really much younger in his heart. (Aren't we all?) But he sure don't look it, poor guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 3:48pm

Oh, I'm not giving up. I just felt like giving up 2 weeks or so ago because I had had this date with this guy who was really sweet but really wrong for me. And then he decides that I am "the one" and wants to start a romance. At the same time, a guy I was really interested in had stopped e-mailing (again) and I was fed up with that. Honestly, the number of guys that disappear on me is incredible.

But-- good news about the guy who had stopped e-mailing. I gave him an ultimatum on Wednesday, and he finally e-mailed me yesterday and we are going to meet for lunch tomorrow.

(That is, if he shows up.)

Meanwhile, my new headline and slightly revised profile are attracting a lot of attention and I have another possible meet-and-greet scheduled for the end of the week.

If nothing else, the process is entertaining.

Elsa

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