Doing Horrible - Please Read
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| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:12am |
Hi all,
Before I begin and you all ransack me with your responses telling me how stupid I am and that I deserve everything I'm about to tell you, let me just say one thing… I do realize I've made a HUGE mistake, and that the feelings I'm having right now ARE my fault and were brought on by me, so I don’t need to be told that. I'm just coming here to vent at this point. That's another thing. I did make a phone call first thing this morning to my old counselor saying I would like to come back in for sessions again, so I'm waiting for a callback from her to start up my appointments again. I know this is out of hand and that I need help and just cant do this on my own. Anyway, here's what happened.
The guy from the other state got in touch with me over the weekend and I gave in and saw him on Friday. We met up and did "the usual". Except this time was different. It was very weird. He had a friend pick him up in the morning. And in the morning he got up, didn’t even speak to me, went straight into the bathroom with his bag to get ready to go, and I could hear him talking. I wondered who he was talking to, so I walked closer to the door, and I heard him talking about me!! I couldn’t believe it! He was talking down about me to his buddy. He had the water running so that I wouldn’t hear, but he was talking loud enough where I did still hear him.. He goes "talk about freaky sh*t man! She was blah blah blah…" and went on and on about the things we did. Then he goes "yeah she did. I don’t care man! Alright, I better go"… I was so upset!! So when he came out I was over across the room and I said "freaky sh*t, huh?" he laughed and tried to deny it saying he knew I was listening. I know that was bs. He didn’t know. Then he calls me at home later on and starts playing mind games with me, turning everything around on me, saying things to me that I used to say to him. Like "you think I'm cheap don’t you? What do you think I am? A man whore? Do you think I'm easy?" etc etc etc. It was just weird. Like he was playing games with me. So I told him never to speak to me again. I spent the rest of that day in my bed thinking about what a low down slut I must've made myself out to be all this time. I felt horrible. My self esteem is in the ground and I feel like I cant fix things on my own, I realized I needed help. I finally got out of bed yesterday afternoon. I hadnt been able to eat for a day and a half. I talked to a good, trusted friend of mine who is an RN and knows me and my history very well. He suggested I get myself some help fast and work on things. That's why I came in this morning and immediately called for that appointment. But I still feel terrible. Used, worn down, like I don’t want to do anything, work, see my friends, etc. I just hope this gets better.

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