Don't know what's happening...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Don't know what's happening...
9
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 2:55pm

So I met this guy online, and least expected it to get anywhere ... he seemed just all over sweet and nice (I thought his profile also was highly unimaginative!) but something appealed. Especially since I've had a knack so far of attracting the wrong types.

After a couple online chats, we met. It was lovely. And mutual. The holding hands, smiling endlessly, kissing a bit ... everything. He fixed a second date, and even though came back tired from travel that day; he kept it.

Again it was wonderful. Short but equally nice. All positive indications.

Although I had problems talking to him online; he's just not very good at that. Which is fine.

So anyway he spoke of meeting this weekend. And then disappeared. No contact at all. I wrote a couple days back suggesting getting together; he said he was busy with lots of stuff (he's a grad student) ... and maybe we could do it later over the weekend. I replied yesterday saying thats fine. It's Sunday late afternoon now and I haven't heard from him at all.

I do not doubt he might be busy ... but is it just that? How much time does it take after all to write back? I also have a fairly busy life ... how do I find time? And we're both grown ups (late twenties) ... so shouldn't such stuff be understood?

And what do I do now? Wait I guess.

After a very long time; someone's appealed so much to me. Everything seemed right.

I don't want this to go away before I even get a chance. Don't ask me to forget him already.

What do I do? Any advice would be welcome. I'm usually very impatient, but this time around badly want to do it the right way.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 3:37pm

I don't know what to tell you. You can't make someone be interested if they're not, or force them to make time for you if they aren't willing to.

If he's interested in seeing you again and/or has time to get together, you'll hear from him. If not, you won't. But contacting him again isn't going to help, and it may hurt.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 5:00pm

Sounds like he got cold feet and there's really no way to tell why. You said not to tell you to forget him, so I won't. But I will say that I don't think you should sit around waiting on him either. Go out, date others and if he comes back around, great. If not, then let it stand as a sign that there is a guy like that out there and have faith that you'll find him one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 7:18pm
I totally relate to your experience! The 2 previous responses are right ON! My experience has been to let the guy take the action, if he's interested he will be back in touch with you. We tend to get overly excited when we meet a potential "good" man that we feel a connection with but who knows what they are thinking! I truly believe many of these men doing OLD "think" they want to date/relationship, but when they meet a woman they are attracted to get scared because they really are NOT available emotionally, so they ghost. Happened to me so many times! Get busy with your life, this is just "another" guy, don't fantasize about "what could be", that's what causes disappointments and frustrations. If he IS AVAILABLE and IS INTERESTED, trust me, he will get back with you, otherwise, NEXT him. There are thousands of guys out there, the key is weeding them out! What is meant to be will happen. If this isn't the guy for you, then you don't want him either! Best Wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 7:20pm
OK, well you said not to forget him, but like the others, I suggest that you DON'T sit around and just wait. Get on with your life, meet other guys and have fun. If he comes back around, super. If not, oh well. NEXT!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 8:56pm

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So true. It really is that simple. But it's something I have to remind myself on a regular basis!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 10:41pm

Thanks to all of you who took the time out to write.

So he did write ... asking me what time works for me in a few days ... I do get a good feeling about him, but previous disappointments and one terribly painful relationship have turned me into a fearful, wary person ... a far cry from the carefree girl I used to be. Past few years a lot has happened that has turned me into a cynical, bitter person, something I dislike very much about myself.

You are all right, I need to focus on other things and stop obssessing. It's something I am trying, but sometimes it all gets too much; especially when I see other people getting what I want way easily ...

I'm reasonably young, attractive and intelligent. Yet I choose to define my worth and my state of happiness in my life with the presence of a man in it ... what does that say about me?

I really need to learn how to calm down and feel deserving of a good fortune.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 7:23am

"Yet I choose to define my worth and my state of happiness in my life with the presence of a man in it ... what does that say about me?"


That says a lot... And I know exactly where you're coming from because I used to do the same thing! For me, I had to take time away from dating (which was at least a year or two) to realize I didn't need anyone in my life to feel complete, to feel alive. I learned how to do things alone without feeling weird like eating out at a nice restaurant. I learned that people added to my life, not completed it. But I wouldn't have learned that if I had not stepped away for a bit. When you're ready, maybe a break would help this too. You are deserving of a wonderful relationship, but until you realize that your state of happiness does not need to rely on whether or not a man is in your life, you may hook into a relationship just to not be alone...


Hope this helps.


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:32pm

'Yet I choose to define my worth and my state of happiness in my life with the presence of a man in it ... what does that say about me?'

I used to feel this way as well. I am actually still working through not feeling this way. I had a break up three years ago and only recently have I gotten over him. Since him I kept trying to find another relationship because as a woman, I thought that was what I should be doing. It seems like as a women, especially we get older we are treated weird or something if we're single. I finally stopped worrying about this and just tell myself that everyone is different. I am making plans for my own life alone, things I want to do without a man. If i find one great, I'll work into my plans, if not, I still plan on having a great life single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 4:03pm

"....but sometimes it all gets too much; especially when I see other people getting what I want way easily ...I'm reasonably young, attractive and intelligent. Yet I choose to define my worth and my state of happiness in my life with the presence of a man in it ... what does that say about me?"

With the exception of I'm quite a bit older than you, I could easily write those words verbatim. For the past 7 years, I have been off/on a roller coaster of emotions when it came to men and dating. I also believe what one poster said about men "thinking" they want a relationship and doing OLD. Many are simply not emotionally available for dating, but that doesn't stop them from putting their hat in the ring anyway. They talk a good line in the beginning and oftentimes lead you to believe they really are interested. Sometimes I think they really are but then they start re-thinking what it takes to maintain a relationship and they let other life problems get in the way.

I honestly think a guy in grad school is not the best dating relationship because they do not have their career lined up and the pressures of grad school can be enormous without having any serious relationships going on. That's my personal opinion though as I work in higher ed. I think not taking things too serious for the first few dates is good advice. Don't invest yourself so heavily just because you think you click with someone. This is advice I have to keep reminding myself about as well.