Driving too much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Driving too much!
7
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 3:45pm

How do I resolve my problem without coming right out and being direct about it?
I've been dating this guy for a couple months (same guy I mentioned last week re:sex)... I realized that I have gone to his part of town 80% of the time. It's really starting to get annoying. We live about 25 minutes apart. The last time he planned to come to me, he had to cancel because we stayed out too late the night before in his part of town. He was sleepy and didn't want to come to me because he had to work early the next day. We had planned to go to a museum that's closer to me. Anyway, I was fine with that...We've seen each other once since then and I drove to see him because once again, he had to work early the next day.
So, we're planning to do something Friday, but one of the stipulations he had was that I come to him because, you guessed it, he has to work all day the next day. I think I'm just going to cancel the date and tell him the truth which is that I have to work the next morning (I just got finished scheduling an appt for sat. morning) and I don't want to be out late and won't juggle that if he is not willing to juggle that for himself.

He and I made this bet when we were out at a restaurant about what we thought the name of the restaurant meant in english...well, he won the bet. So, I was going to cook him Indian food at his house. Yesterday I told him that we should probably wait till he can come to my house because the curry will leave a lasting scent in his house. I was hoping he would change his mind and just opt to come to my place, but nope...now we're just going to go to a place near his house. That's the plan anyway, but I will NOT go. It's time he drives to me...period.

This guy is giving the impression that he is self centered. He's not reciprocating. It wasn't a problem till now...I just figured it would balance out and he'd come my way. Now it appears he is just getting comfortable with the idea that I'm willing to drive.

I really liked this guy a lot, but now I'm just annoyed with him. What should I do? Should I be passive about it or should I come out and tell him directly that I have a problem with the way it's going?

Thanks in advance!
Devorah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 3:53pm
If you really like this guy but don't want to feel like it is one-sided as far as driving goes, why not simply say "Since I have driven to your place the last few times, maybe it makes sense for you to drive here this next time." You could also point out that you also have to work early on some days, so that is only fair to take turns. I would be happy to find a guy who only lived 25 min. from me, but I would also want him to be willing to drive to see me at least half of the time. If he is not willing to make the effort, then yes, you might want to re-think spending more time on this one.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:10pm

I like Mitsy's suggestion, or could you at least suggest meeting at a place that's halfway?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:16pm

Hmmmm, that sounds good... but I sort of want him to be a big boy and come to the conclusion on his OWN and OFFER to come to me. That says A LOT. You know?

I don't want to come across like I'm scolding him by saying anything real direct about it. I think first I'll just tell him 'I just now scheduled 2 appointments early on saturday and I don't want to be across town late at night the night before.' Then I'll ask him if we can plan to cook the dinner at my place soon.

That seems a little less confrontational doesn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:30pm

Sheri,

There isn't a lot halfway between us. He and I did look into that when we first started dating. We joked that if we wanted to grab coffee at the Quicktrip we could do the halfway meetup. I guess I'll put in more effort and try to find somewhere halfway. There's gotta be somewhere decent...

I don't want to be in a lopsided relationship. I like guys who are considerate and would think about these kinds of things on their own. I'll make the effort to find a halfway point, but he's going to have to be more considerate if I'm going to keep dating him. I'm just venting. I want to fix this since things are going well, otherwise, between he and I.

Devorah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:35pm
Either way, but I tend to believe that some men simply are clueless about dating. In fact, I know they are. :0 However, I don't think I'd wait for him to figure it out that it isn't fair for you to drive all the time. I would say something to clue him in without sounding confrontational at all. If he still balks, I'd wonder if he was a bit cheap on spending gas money or simply lazy. Either way, you need to know if he is one or the other or simply is not thinking. I hope he simply didn't think about this and that once you bring it to light, he will act appropriately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:12pm

Yes, it should be way more fair. & yes, it would be GREAT if he would think of it on his own ... but sometimes we have to ASK for what we want. Make it clear & give him a chance. Sometimes men are just CLUEless. But then again, maybe he IS just selfish. The only way to know for sure is to lay it on the table & see if he rises to the occassion.


Carlos & I are 1 hr 15 min apart. We share it equally. & he ALWAYS says "are your sure you want to do the drive? I dont want you to be tired" (i work nites) - or, sometimes for ME its better to go to his house b/c obvioulsy he cant come here if my dd is here ... & if I drove to him the last time (we see eachother about once a week), he always points out I already did the drive last time & he doesnt want it to be too much for me. That thoughtfulness goes a LONG way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 2:11am

Woah! An hour and 15 mins apart!? Carlos sounds very sweet. It's a nice feeling when you feel cared for and considered like that.

Tonight when I talked to M, we had a pretty good convo about the day. We started talking about a client of mine and I thought that was the perfect time to bring it up...I said, 'oh by the way, I scheduled an early saturday session and can't stay out very late." Right on the spot I decided to stick to my commitment...since I had already said I'd go over there, I didn't want to take that back (people not following thru with plans bugs me sometimes, so I don't want to do that to him :) In a light-hearted tone, I told him I want him to come to me next time. He quickly and sweetly said, "yeah, I definitely will".
So, that's good.

I don't think he's being selfish anymore. I think you're right, he's just clueless..Something happened when he initially called me that kind of showed me how he regards me... he called me tonight as he was getting out of work. He basically kvetched into the phone for 10mins about his boss. I was glad he felt like he could let loose and just vent to me. Well, then the convo turned to me and I barely got a word in edgewise when his pager went off. He kind of tactfully cut me off and said he needed to return the call (which is fine, duty calls--he's on call tonight) and to have a good night. I got off the phone and even though I understood he had to go, I was still just a little put off that he said to have a good night as if that was it, we wouldn't talk again till who knows. Well, 5 minutes later he called back and he sounded really sweet. He said he felt bad for having to abruptly go and didn't want me to think he was 'all me me me, calling and not caring or reciprocating'. heehehe, good boy. :)
THAT was very thoughtful! That showed me that he does care about me (and what I think of him) and is not all about him. You should have heard his tone, so sweet :) We talked for like 30 more mins after that.

I'm feeling good again about he and I. I just need to make sure we get the balance and fairness worked out right. I'm crazy about this guy! :)

Thanks for all the input!
Devorah