e-harmony
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| Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:06pm |
I have been very unhappy with e-harmony, and I wondered if I was alone in this. Now I will admit that I had a sense that it wouldn't work out and allowed the e-harmony people to talk me into giving it a chance. So it's all my mistake. But I still want to vent.
As some of you may remember, I got lured into e-harmony with the "free personality test" thing. Almost before I had done with the test (certainly before they had approved my picture) they had matched me with two guys, one of whom I thought was a really good possibility. (Though we'd never really met, we had been matched on another site where he was not active, and we had mutual acquaintances and similar background and professional interests.) Not only that, but both guys almost immediately sent me their "first questions." So I got one of those discount codes (thanks to one of you guys who posted a link) and signed up for three months for the price of one. Not bad at all, if I were actually getting any realistic matches.
The disappointments began immediately. Both guys closed the match after the first round of questions. (We didn't even get to must and can't haves.) A couple of days passed and no more matches. I called e-harmony to cancel before my 7 days were up and was talked into giving it the full 7 days. (My big mistake.) Then, as you might expect, I got a "possible" guy right around the 6th day. I chose to stay on the service and see what happened. The guy turned out to be almost inarticulate. I felt no connection and he seemed to want to latch on to someone because he was lonely, not because he felt a connection. So after a week of poorly written e-mail from him, I closed the match.
Since then I've had maybe four matches and they have all been unsuitable in obvious ways. For example, I am very much an "indoor" person--yet several matches were "passionate" about the out-of-doors, had all their pictures of them doing sports (boats, camping, hiking etc.) and listed athletic/outdoor stuff among major interests. Also, I am not religious (and my profile says so), but I keep getting matched with guys who talk about their faith in Christ and so forth --including one who was a minister! What kind of matching is that?
I e-mailed e-harmony complaining about their bad matches, and they gave me some nonsense about how they look at the real person etc. Fine. But then they made the suggestion that I might get more matches if I changed my setting from "undecided" to "no" in the category of "want more children." Excuse me?
Turns out that they have it set that if you say you "might" want more children they rule out matches with people who say they _don't_ want more children period. I had said "might" because although my family is complete, I would not necessarily rule out adopting a child if I found a partner who really wanted another child. I figured that it was the more flexible answer, that it would open me to matches that said "want more children" as well as matches that said "don't want more children." Apparently, it doesn't work that way. If you say "might" they match you only with other people who say "might." That seems very stupid to me.
It is particularly stupid when you consider that they won't let me set it so that only guys who have at least completed college are matched with me. So what to me is a real deal-breaker (lack of education) is something they want me to be flexible about, but they won't let me be flexible about what I am flexible (starting a new family).
They also have annoyed me by not allowing two different ethnic designations. (Why must people who are of mixed heritage either choose one or designate themselves "other"?)
In short, I am very displeased with the e-harmony set up. If they at least churned up a variety of matches, I would find it easier to shrug off their strange priorities in deciding what is/isn't important criteria for matching, but as it is, I don't think they are earning their fee, even though I paid a discounted one. (Incidentally, changing my setting to "don't want more children" didn't get me any new matches.)
Maybe it works for younger people, but I don't recommend it for women in their fifties who have graduate degrees and aren't devout Christians.
Elsa

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I think eharmony has a great advertising campaign to hook you and that's about it. I wouldn't use the service again. The "personality test" wasn't all that accurate for me (maybe I overthought some of the answers, maybe it was how I felt at that time, who knows?) and there were very few matches in my area. When I changed the settings to include the entire country, there were more matches but still very few that would be "good" matches. I don't like the way the profiles are set up - there's not much room to really say anything about yourself and I didn't like the "guided communication" process. I will say that the questions are thought-provoking so maybe I learned something about myself but that's it. I met one guy in person and he was in no way a match for me.
And while I'm thinking of it, I thought perfectmatch.com was even worse. Both are very expensive but not worthwhile for me in any way.
I'm 49yo, didn't get any match !!! I canceled the deal after half-year subscription.
I don't know how popular they are, but I didn't have any luck at all.
Some people obviously have luck on E-Harmony, I actually have a friend who met his wife on there, but to be honest I'm not really sure how fantastic/matched a couple they are though, most of our friends have doubts about their actual compatibility.
I've done Match off and on for a few years, I usually sign on for about two months and then take a break and depending on other things going on, I usually seem to get on there every other year or so. I've had good luck with Match, when I say good luck, I don't mean a serious relationship or getting engaged, but I've met (for the most part) decent, funny, attractive guys and have gotten at least a fun date out of it. Of course with OLD, there are a lot of guys who dissapear so I've stopped getting my hopes up after a first date. I had a really great first date on Wednesday night from Match and I'm hoping he calls (he said he would call me in a few days), he knows I'm interested but I'm leaving the ball in his court. I have "not sure" under the section asking if I want children, I put that because I could be very happy in life either way and I don't want to exclude a guy who doesn't want children or one who does because I'm on the fence myself.
Anyways, I tried E-Harmony very briefly but I just felt their approach was very mechanical. You can't gauge chemistry through a series of questions, you could have some things in common and zero spark or you would meet someone who has different interests than you and connect right away. Sure, there are dealbreakers, but I don't think you need to fill out 100+ questions. I would rather read someone's profile and have an interaction and go from there as opposed to excluding people I haven't even had a chance to interact with at all.
Has anyone seen that SNL spoof "Me-Harmony" where they literally match them with someone EXACTLY like them - in the skit the actors were matched with themselves only in a different outfit/gender. Doesn't seem too far fetched.
I agree that one big problem with eharmony is that you don't get to say much about yourself or find out much about your match until you get through the "guided communication process." I complained about this and they suggested in the future I go on "fast track." If they ever match me with someone who is neither an obvious outdoors guy nor a "I must mention this in my first breath" Christian and who seems to be able to spell, I may try it.
I will say that the match.com competitor to eharmony, chemistry, has a more sensible set up: you create a profile (just as on match.com) and then their "guided communication process" is more open ended--you get to reply in paragraphs instead of multiple choice sooner than with Chemistry. I haven't got any good matches through Chemistry but I felt better able to assess the matches than with e-harmony. (Chemistry hasn't cost me anything because they added me as part of my match.com membership because they are trying to build the thing up.) One amusing thing-- Chemistry matched me with my ex-husband!! They weren't all that wrong, we were compatible enough for 20 years. ;)
I'm glad to know about Perfect Match. I was wondering if it would be worth trying when my match and e-harmony subscriptions run out in August/September.
Elsa
The 100-questions didn't bother me insofar as they are mostly personality test types questions and they might help them determine matches.
But I think they would have a better service if instead of doling out possible matches according to what they think will be compatible they required some sort of "speak up for yourself" profile, allowed people to add their own deal breakers and to subtract things that wouldn't be deal breakers for them. For example, I would not find it a "deal breaker" if a guy was heavy, but I would find it a "deal breaker" if a guy didn't have at least a college education. Some people wouldn't care about the education but care a lot about the body size. So, let each of us decide what matters and what doesn't. And they shouldn't decide that some things are always deal breakers. For instance, I would be equally happy (at this stage in my life) with a man who didn't want any more kids as with a man who really wants another child. (It'd have to be adopted, of course, and he'd have to be able to assure me that we could support it through age 21, but it's theoretically possible. I know a couple who did it. She was 49 and he was 52.) I'd rather exclude someone who is "extremely religious" than someone who does/doesn't want more kids.
If they are so personalized as they say, they ought to give us more choices. Perhaps show us a group of profiles and tell us what degree of compatibility they think we have, and then let us decide.
Anyway, it's good to know I'm not alone in being disgruntled with e-harmony. I know some people find matches there, but then some people find matches going to the grocery store, or to the corner to buy a paper. ;)
Elsa
I've done eH for a while and it definitely has good and bad points.
I had that I didn't care about religion, but now I have selected only agnostic and spiritual but not religious as options. It will rule out nice moderate Christians, alas, but it will spare me the Bible thumpers, I guess. (Always assuming I ever get a match again before my membership expires.
One nice thing about e-harmony is they let you turn off the "automatic renewal." With Match.com I am going to have to be alert to cancel my membership before they renew me.
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