e-harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
e-harmony
11
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:06pm

I have been very unhappy with e-harmony, and I wondered if I was alone in this. Now I will admit that I had a sense that it wouldn't work out and allowed the e-harmony people to talk me into giving it a chance. So it's all my mistake. But I still want to vent.

As some of you may remember, I got lured into e-harmony with the "free personality test" thing. Almost before I had done with the test (certainly before they had approved my picture) they had matched me with two guys, one of whom I thought was a really good possibility. (Though we'd never really met, we had been matched on another site where he was not active, and we had mutual acquaintances and similar background and professional interests.) Not only that, but both guys almost immediately sent me their "first questions." So I got one of those discount codes (thanks to one of you guys who posted a link) and signed up for three months for the price of one. Not bad at all, if I were actually getting any realistic matches.

The disappointments began immediately. Both guys closed the match after the first round of questions. (We didn't even get to must and can't haves.) A couple of days passed and no more matches. I called e-harmony to cancel before my 7 days were up and was talked into giving it the full 7 days. (My big mistake.) Then, as you might expect, I got a "possible" guy right around the 6th day. I chose to stay on the service and see what happened. The guy turned out to be almost inarticulate. I felt no connection and he seemed to want to latch on to someone because he was lonely, not because he felt a connection. So after a week of poorly written e-mail from him, I closed the match.

Since then I've had maybe four matches and they have all been unsuitable in obvious ways. For example, I am very much an "indoor" person--yet several matches were "passionate" about the out-of-doors, had all their pictures of them doing sports (boats, camping, hiking etc.) and listed athletic/outdoor stuff among major interests. Also, I am not religious (and my profile says so), but I keep getting matched with guys who talk about their faith in Christ and so forth --including one who was a minister! What kind of matching is that?

I e-mailed e-harmony complaining about their bad matches, and they gave me some nonsense about how they look at the real person etc. Fine. But then they made the suggestion that I might get more matches if I changed my setting from "undecided" to "no" in the category of "want more children." Excuse me?

Turns out that they have it set that if you say you "might" want more children they rule out matches with people who say they _don't_ want more children period. I had said "might" because although my family is complete, I would not necessarily rule out adopting a child if I found a partner who really wanted another child. I figured that it was the more flexible answer, that it would open me to matches that said "want more children" as well as matches that said "don't want more children." Apparently, it doesn't work that way. If you say "might" they match you only with other people who say "might." That seems very stupid to me.

It is particularly stupid when you consider that they won't let me set it so that only guys who have at least completed college are matched with me. So what to me is a real deal-breaker (lack of education) is something they want me to be flexible about, but they won't let me be flexible about what I am flexible (starting a new family).

They also have annoyed me by not allowing two different ethnic designations. (Why must people who are of mixed heritage either choose one or designate themselves "other"?)

In short, I am very displeased with the e-harmony set up. If they at least churned up a variety of matches, I would find it easier to shrug off their strange priorities in deciding what is/isn't important criteria for matching, but as it is, I don't think they are earning their fee, even though I paid a discounted one. (Incidentally, changing my setting to "don't want more children" didn't get me any new matches.)

Maybe it works for younger people, but I don't recommend it for women in their fifties who have graduate degrees and aren't devout Christians.

Elsa

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 4:57pm

Replying to myself here to share the joke:

E-harmony just provided me with a match. He is farther away than my usual area (about 40 miles outside my limit) so he must be an exceptional match, right?

Well, not exactly. First among his hobbies he lists: fishing and anything outdoors. Among the things he is passionate about is the love of a woman who knows that family is more important than career. (Although I would describe myself that way, I am very nervous about men who specifically state they want such a woman.) And lastly, you guessed it, he identifies himself as a Christian "though not as good as he would like to be." (This is _after_ I changed my criteria to "no religion" and "spiritual but not religious." I am guessing he checked one of these but then added the "I am a Christian" in his description of himself.)

Yep. Definitely a good enough match for me to be willing to consider a guy outside my immediate geographic zone.

This is so much fun.

Pages