The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

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music_goddess2001

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-28-2003

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

10	Fri, 04-04-2003 - 12:20am

It's 70% complete but that's fine with a first try.I hope you ladies read this as I noticed my last post went un-noticed...it's long but good and mature.

Dear Dad,

I know you don't want to hear this from me,but I feel that this must be said.Since I won't be heard if I say this over the phone I am resorting to telling you this by e-mail so that you may actually listen me. I know that you don't want me to go to Canada because you don't agree with me living with Jim,the distance of the money,and me taking "your" money with me. Money is no reason to keep me from going. I am spending my money just as I was brought up and told to which is on my education. Which is kind of odd since mom has told to spend it elsewhere twice on a car and I have repeatedly said it is meant for my education and it is going there,you should be proud that I am not abusing the money I am given but using it for what it's always been meant to be used for and not anything else. I know that it seems wrong to move in with Jim and I know that you and mom want me to move to Hawaii,but after what I have experienced there you can never convince me to come back.It use to be paradise to me but after my last trip there my heart was ripped out and stomped on and I would prefer to never return and face those memories again. You and mom may be forgiven for what happened there,but not forgotten.Living in California is too expensive as an alternative to Hawaii,rent can range from 800 to a thousand dollars which I am not willing to pay because that is so much money and the rent hasn't gotten any better by the price range decreasing,but increasing by the month.So the only reasonable alternative is the one that you dislike which would be to move in with Jim and his mother.

Why should I move in with them?Because I will only have to pay for my college tuition when I am there which is where my life savings is suppose to go and where they live now is very close to the community college in town which offers a nurse practicioner course that is only a year and a half long. All together the course costs around 11 grand but in American money that is about 7 grand possibly,I am not too sure,but it is cheaper in American money.That amount of money beats the 3 to 5 years it will take here to become a registered nurse which I am not sure if I can handle the responsibility of the job so I would rather start at the bottom and work my way up.Also here there is a waiting list while there is none there and I bet the waiting list at the community college here that offers the registered nurse course is quite long as I have heard from many other people that it takes awhile to become a nurse here.I know you may be thinking I can just move in with someone or share rent,but no one I know is ready to be on their own with the high rents San Diego has to offer and I do not trust moving in with a complete stranger nor do I feel comfortable with living in someone else's house who I do know and living off of them while Jim and his family have already offered me a stay at their home.Let me state this one more time,if I move in with Jim it will be with his mother as well who is home almost all the time since her work is so close along with Jim's.

I have a feeling that trust is also an issue in this situation.I have a feeling that you don't trust me or Jim.We have never done anything wrong to lose your trust upon us.We follow the rules we are given and stay within boundaries.Within the two years that we have known eachother he has never hurt me,he's still here,he has spent thousands of dollars to visit me or call me,what says that he will leave if he is that dedicated to the relationship?You said when I first told you about Jim that he will know how to gain your trust and through everything he has done I don't see that happening.He has respected your wishes time and time again although it really hurts him deep down and it still doesn't seem like you trust him or I with the disagreeing grunt you gave at the ring I wear on my finger. I am in a relationship dad and it's time you accept it.I'm not the little girl I used to be anymore I am a responsible(when it comes to life and what it has to throw me) dedicated woman who wants to live a good life.I have never done anything to lose your trust.I was brought up to do whatever you said and I did until it started to take a toll on my independence and happiness.I tried my best in high school to make you and mom happy and proud and allow things to ease up on me but that never happened.I guess that's why things have changed in college because doing something for someone else does not make me happier in the end although it may on the other person's part.

It seems like I'm even being bribed to go to Hawaii now because of family and Danni.Danni keeps asking me constantly if I am going to Hawaii which is unlike her and as I stated before I'm sorry,but I cannot go. Danni will be fine without me as she doesn't rely on me and if she is fine without Angelo she will do fine without me. Mom says that I am not healthy enough or that since I don't drive I shouldn't move,but if I live in a small town driving doesn't matter and health? I have only gotten sick twice and have lost ten pounds with eating right and exercising.I know things there would be easier as I would be cared for by you and mom,but I can't always rely on you that's not the way you approach life by relying on your parents.Sure you can rely on them in the younger years of life but sometime you're going to have to face the music and learn on your own,that's how any adult gets to where they are now by learning through trial and error not by watching other people and not experiencing life?Sure you're trying to keep me from making mistakes or getting hurt,but that is how we learn.You said once "it is better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all" that is not true because that is how you learn to treasure what you have by winning and losing,trial and error.A good quote I heard about this subject goes like this:"I bought a framed saying that says, 'There are two things you give your children: One is roots and the other is wings.' That wasn't too easy to do, but you know what? When you give them their wings, I think they come back and they want to be around you. And that's what makes me happy."which is so true,keeping someone down to the ground keeps them from returning and treasuring what they have while if they are free to go they will return to that treasure they discovered while in their parent's care.

I guess with that I end this e-mail hoping you understand and listen to me.All I ask is to be heard,given a chance to be happy,and no yelling or arguments out of this.

Your daughter,

Cheryl

Signatures On

survivingdivorce

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Thu, 04-10-2003 - 5:06pm

Wow! That was very mature and heart felt. Being a parent, I would be rather moved by that email. It would make me think about how I was treating my child. Very brave of you to stand up to your father. Well, I say you do what you gotta do girl!It is hard for your dad to see you moving in with a boy and not to mention far away. Its a father/daughter thing. Just give him time to accept it and in time he will. Good for you. hugs!!

Gail

singlemom224

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Mon, 04-07-2003 - 6:26pm

Thanks Lindsay! :-)

I'm ok (now that I've gotten over the shock & the "OMG WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!" part lol) & in a way we're kind of excited (trying not to get excited though in case I'm NOT pregnant), I'm sure that will all hit me again if we find out that I am indeed pregnant but for right now were just anxious to know & go on from there. The main thing that I'm worried about it telling my parents, but I'll just have to deal w/ it, not like I can do anything about it now, whats done is done.

linds8300

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Mon, 04-07-2003 - 4:42pm

Hope everything is ok Stephanie! You know we're all here for you if ya need to talk to anyone :)

Hugs,

Lindsay

singlemom224

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Mon, 04-07-2003 - 4:21pm

I gotta agree ... I don't think the letter is a good way to go. My reasoning is more then just my opinion, it's because of my experience w/ similar. I've done the letter thing before, but it was when I was 17 (had moved out to live w/ my now ex-bf & 2 roomates) & needed to tell my parents I was pregnant. I thought at the time that it was the best way to do it since I was scared but I realized now I was dead wrong. To this day my dad says (we don't talk about it much though .. whats done is done) the fact that I was pregnant didn't hurt him as much as the fact I couldn't tell him personally & took the cowardly way out. I also agree w/ the other ladies in respect to the money issue. Yes, I am 23 years old, have a child & live at home (yup ... I moved back home when I got pregnant .. no big surprise there!) & should be able to do anything I please, BUT since I live w/ my parents & still they financially support me a great deal, like or not they still have a part say in things I do because of that. Take the mature route & do it on your own & talk to your dad personally not through a letter. As for me, I could be pregnant again (long story .. but no, not on purpose) & if I indeed am I will do things differently this time & sit down w/ my parents & talk to them about it as any mature individual would.

Best wishes that everything works out for you ...

~Stephanie

jasmine624

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Sat, 04-05-2003 - 7:04pm

Sorry, Cherry, whoever pays the bills gets to make the rules. Adults pay their own way. My kids are 21 and 17 and as long as I am supporting them financially, I get some say on what they do.

If you are over 18 and want to make your own decisions, it is up to you to find your own way to make your dreams come true. I have to agree with Jayecey and the other women who said the same.

I'm sure you don't really want to hear this, but you asked for feedback.

Hugs,

Joy

linds8300

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Sat, 04-05-2003 - 2:08pm

I agree with Jay and Nikki...I don't really see it as mature either. If I sent a letter like that to my parents they would just find it ridiculous...you are old enough to make your own decisions...you are and ADULT and if you don't start to act like one how do you expect your parents to treat you like one? I agree with Jay when she said that you want to move away, but you still want your parents to pay for everything. If I moved out to be on my own my parent's certinly wouldn't pay for my things anymore. You have to grow up sometime...and just moving out and expecting your parents to still pay for things and such is not a good way to show them that you are mature. Save your money, pay your own way, pay for your schooling...that shows maturity and your parents will see that too. I personally don't think a letter is the way to go, this is something that you need to own up to and face head on...you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your parents, and the sooner, the better. Good luck Cherry...I wish you all the best and all the happiness in the world because you DO deserve good things. Hugs

Lindsay

jayecey

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Sat, 04-05-2003 - 12:38pm

I hardly know what to say Cherry, as you know, I'm also a parent and if this letter were presented to me, I would see an immature attempt at goading. Sweetie, if moving to NS is what you really want to do, then save your money and do it. You're of age to do what you want, you don't need your parents permission, but....doing what you want also comes with personal responsibility and that doesn't include holding your dad's wallet hostage. Think about it for a second...you want to go AND you want him to pay for it. You seem to think that putting him on a guilt trip, demeaning his parental skills and whining about it is going to get you want you want. Sorry chica, from this parents view, I see nothing positive in your email to him.

I care about you sweetie and wish you only the good things but you still have some things to resolve, this is a parent talking so try to forgive me for the harshness of this post, your proposed email raised a lot. I could say a lot more but Nikki's post mirror's my thoughts and I'll leave it at that.

If this email feels right to you then nothing I or anyone else can say will change that and all I can do is wish you the best.

Good luck hon in whatever you decide.

Love and hugs

Jayecey

la_de_mafi

iVillage Member

Registered: 03-26-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Fri, 04-04-2003 - 5:49pm

Now everyone else is telling you have written a mature letter, but I guess I read things differently because I don't find your letter very mature. You are over 18. You DO NOT need your parents permission for anything. You can, of course, want and need their acceptance.. you want them to let you grow up and not throw your mistakes in your face.

Yet, you constantly throw your fathers mistakes in his face. You even did it in your letter. It sounds as if you are trying to *guilt* him into giving you his permission. That isn't very mature. Parents hate when you throw things in their face.. it does not get your creditability to do it.

Yes, you want to be a nurse. I am happy for you. I hope you get into a wonderful program. If your father withholds finances, prove to yourself and to him, that you can get thru school by yourself. Get a loan, get financial aide, work your way thru school.. work now full time and save money for college, in your OWN bank account, with no co-signer. That is maturity.

If you were my daughter, and you asked me what my opinion was of you moving to Canada... I would honestly say no, I don't think you should do it. Because you aren't mature enough. One day you say how much you love Jim and want to be with him, and then the next you are having doubts and worries and honey.. to live with someone.. It takes alotttt of work. Alot more work than it takes to be in a long distance relationship.

I don't mean to sound like a b**ch. I did the long distance relationship thing. Remember.. Willy and I just moved in together in August, after being seperated by distance for almost 4 years. If I would have flip-flopped with my feelings with Willy during that time (which, thank goodness, I never did) I would have seriously doubted moving in with him. Let alone, move in with his mother as well. Don't get me wrong.. Willy's mother is great.. but I can't imagine living with her.. Let alone, be living with her, with her supporting me while I went to college full time. She could grow to resent you. I am not saying that she will.. I am saying she could. The reason I say that is because my mother is in that situation right now with my brother and his girlfriend.

I think that you sending an email is not the way to solve this.. with MATURITY. You need to face him and talk to him. He needs to see you as an adult. Even if you are in different places... make arrangments, Cherry. This is important. He needs to see you are serious about this. Even if you have to print the email (don't send it, just print it) and read it to him, face to face.

I hope I don't come across as mean. I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

Take care,

Love,

Nikki

P.S. USE THE SPACEBAR!!!! hehehe That drives me crazy

lissak67

iVillage Member

Registered: 04-02-2003

In reply to: music_goddess2001

The e-mail I will send to my dad((M))

Fri, 04-04-2003 - 4:53pm

I think your letter sounds very mature and I hope that your dad can see that as well. It's obvious to me that you have given this a great deal of thought and aren't just jumping into something. Maybe this will help him to see this, too. I wish you luck and hope that the two of you can resolve your differences. Keep us updated.

Melissa