email communication and expectations ?
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| Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:53pm |
Hi everybody,
I could really use your advice here. Has it ever happened to you that you really hit it off with a guy over email, but then you ask them what they expect in a relationship and they ghost on you? Of course, I am not talking about some "virtual romance" here, I always move on to suggest a phone convo, we were just not there yet. we had exchanged two-three emails, and I thought we had alot in common, but in his profile he hadn't said anything to hint on what he expects (meanwhile I was revising mine all the time, so I wasn't sure whether he got it or not: that I am looking for a LTR....),so, I asked him what he expects out of a relationship in general (and was very careful to phrase this, it wasn't "about me"). Of course, by him not answering, I got what I needed to know, so that's fine. My question is: when, if at all, is appropriate to bring that up in an email communication? Honestly, while I can go with the flow, I don't want to waste my time with guys who are looking for dating/casual relationship set-ups. And, becasue I need to vent: I am really annoyed that he didn't have the decency to reply to my email, Why is it that the internet encourages what I call "petty cruelty"?
Thanks!

I usually wait to bring it up in person, just because it's so hard to show tone and nuance in an email. But if I really got a vibe that the guy wasn't looking for an LTR and didn't even want to waste time meeting for coffee, I might say something in an email like, "I couldn't tell from your profile...what type of relationship are you looking for at this point in your life?"
And yes, it is frustrating that he didn't respond...but no response pretty much is a response...isn't it?
Sheri
Edited 12/21/2005 12:20 am ET by northwestwanderer
I think you can get a feel for the guy via emails, his profile, etc. Depending on what I put in my profile, I get different types of guys responding. I've done some tweaking (sp) of my profile and it tells me a lot if the type of guys respond that I'm drawn to. I took an intellectual approach for awhile. I attracted guys who just wanted to "chat". When I even remotely suggested meeting, talking on the phone, etc., they ghosted, or sent very infrequent emails. They clearly weren't the type of guys who were ready for an intimate relationship, at least not with me.
I figure that if the right kind of guy responds to my profile, I won't have to suggest making further contact first. That is how it's been, also. They suggest the phone call, give out their phone numbers, meeting, etc. Ideally, if you're the woman, having a guy doing the pursuing is where you want to be. If they're not the kind of guy who wants to move forward, it's probably just them. Your suggesting phone calls, etc., probably isn't going to change anything. Even in our modern world I've found it's guys who still set the pace of the relationship.
"in his profile he hadn't said anything to hint on what he expects"
Surely this must be a RED FLAG. I think you are wasting time writing e-mails to people who are coy about their intentions. Why make Internet Dating any more complicated than it already is?
I think wording your inquiry in an accusatory, "What do you expect from a relationship?", especially in an email is a little strong, in fact, very strong. I'd ghost too.
This is the kind of stuff you want to discuss face to face. You should see clearly in his profile if he is interested in a committed relationship or not. Therefore an email discussion isn't necessary.
Please hold off on the inquisition until you are on a date.