Email question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Email question
10
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 1:30pm

Hey All! I'm back on Match after an almost 3 year relationship with a guy I met on Match when I first joined.

I have a couple of questions about emails, meets, etc. What do you all talk about in your emails? Do you get right to the point of what you're looking for? Or chit chat about whatever for awhile?

What about emails from guys who only say something like "I like your profile" or "nice picture"? Some of these guys sound interesting in their profile, but I'm thinking ...come on now, what am I supposed to say to that other than "thanks!"???

It seems most of the emails I get are either the cut and paste type, or the I like your profile type.

Any advice on what to write about, who should suggest meeting, etc?

Thanks!
zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: zjaney
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 12:33pm

I'm one of the less active/experienced daters around here, but I will tackle your question about "what to say" because I am never at a loss for words. ;)

To "I like your picture" or "you have a great smile" or any other brief compliment that is not offensive (I just ignore the "you have great tits" comments), I will reply with "Thanks, tell me more about yourself." If I found the guy especially attractive, I might add something like, "I liked your picture too," or "You seem an interesting person." But "tell me more about yourself" is the crucial one, since it puts the ball in his court again.

In general, I try to keep the length of my replies about the same length as the original message. (An exception is when the original message is way too long. Then I will try to suggest that he cool it by writing a little less in return.)

One thing that I try to do in my e-mails is to get the guy to give me individualized feedback as soon as possible. Too many guys will send multiple "I really like your profile and think we have a lot in common" e-mails. If I don't get the feeling that he has really read my profile, I am not going to waste time exchanging e-mail with him. So I will often ask, "Tell me what you found most interesting about me?" or "In what ways do you think we would be compatible?" Since I always read men's profiles before I answer, I can usually say things like, "I see you like to hike and climb mountains. I am not too much into that, but I do enjoy going to museums and bowling which you also say you like. What other interests do you think we may have in common?"

As far as when, where and so forth to meet, you will get a lot of good advice from others around here. I usually play it by ear--there is no one way to do it. The main word of wisdom that everyone shares is make that first-meeting something brief that could go on longer but which you can get out of after an hour if it doesn't work out.

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
In reply to: zjaney
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 12:43pm

I met someone and am no longer dating but when I was, I didn't bother to respond to e-mail messages that were one-liners. I felt that if the guy had read my profile and was interested, he would put more effort into the initial contact. A simple "nice pic" usually meant he scanned through all of the profiles and marked the ones he saw that he thought looked okay and then did a mass mail-out. I didn't feel the least bit bad about not responding to those.

If someone put a bit more effort into it, I would respond and look for common ground in our interests. If he had listed travel, I would ask where his favorite vacation spots were. If he listed movies, I would ask what his favorite movie was or whether he preferred comedy or drama. I always tried to pick something from the profile to draw out more information. My goal was to find someone who shared common interests with me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: zjaney
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 12:47pm

Since the profiles should indicate what we are each looking for, that's not something I tend to get into in emails before meeting.


The first emails are usually just questions and back and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: zjaney
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 4:16pm

I never reply to one liners, unless I REALLY like their profile. Seriously, if he can't write a decent email, would I really be able to hold a conversation with him? Doubtful.

I also usually got straight to the point in emails, just casually sugesting we meet for coffee. I wasn't into OLD for penpals.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
In reply to: zjaney
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 8:20pm
This post makes a lot of sense to me. Basically, there are two purposes to the e-mail (or e-mail + phone) phase: (i) determine, as best you can, if this is someone you're even interested in meeting and (ii) if so, do it (meet, that is).



One part that seems to run against the common wisdom:



"If someone just sends an 'I like your profile/pic' email, I just respond thanks, same here (if I do like theirs) and let them take it from there (or not)."



Here's why I think this makes sense:



From the normal guy's perspective (and from the woman's, if she's initiating things, though not to the same extent), this is a numbers game. I'm not really familiar with Match, and obviously these are just estimates, but I think they're ballpark: if a guy sends, say, 40 e-mail messages, he'll get about 5 answers, which might turn into 2 first meets, and maybe (or maybe not) 1 actual date. You probably need make it 80 -> 10 -> 4 to have anything like a safe bet that you'll get one "real" date.



How many guys do you think are sitting around writing 80, or even 40, carefully individualized e-mail messages? For that matter, do you really want to meet the sort of guy who has the time and inclination to do that? I suspect that most of the more-than-one-liner message are really just canned messages with maybe 1-3 lines worth of personalization (e.g. add name and two references to profile).



Some sites (Chemistry.com, with which I'm familiar, and I think others, with which I'm not) avoid the play-acting of creating fake "personal" e-mail messages (or, depending on how you look at it, avoid rewarding the unemployed or computer-obsessed) by forcing the first communication into an abstracted, "So-and-so is interested" message.



It's a simple enough matter for the recipient to look at the sender's profile (or simply ignore the message because (s)he isn't even a paying member of the site) and - much more often than not - fail to respond, or say "not interested." At least this saves people the effort of writing, or simulating, carefully-crafted personalized messages to the 7-out-of-8 recipients who aren't going to respond favorably no matter what the message says.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
In reply to: zjaney
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 7:47am

I was on match this past winter and I certainly sloughed through the process, had a lot of frustrations, and asked a lot of questions.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: zjaney
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 9:46am
I'm a guy and I have taken to heart the advice about writing emails that at least show you have read a persons profile. It doesn't have to be several paragraphs, just a quick line or two commenting about something they wrote, maybe about an activity they like or a book they read. I have had more success than the other poster that was guessing about percentages. However I would have to assume that guys who are better looking probably get more emails on average, unless their profile really sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
In reply to: zjaney
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 10:22pm

Thanks everyone for responding. You've helped me understand why a guy would send a one liner email to establish if the woman is interested in him as well. That makes sense that he doesn't want to spend all day sending super personal emails when responses are low.

I like the suggestion of adding "tell me more about yourself". I tried this the other day with a guy who emailed "liked your profile, we seem to possibly be a great match" ...and it worked. His next emails contained more info about him and questions for me. We've emailed a couple of times and he suggested talking/meeting sooner than later to see if there's in-person chemistry. I agree.

Another guy, I responded to his email with basically the same line back ..."your profile sounds interesting too"...or something of the sorts. Haven't heard back from him, although I think he's viewed my profile again today.

One guy, we're going on endless, short, getting boring emails every few days. In my last one to him, I suggested we talk on the phone when he gets back from his vacation. Don't care what happens with that...it's gone on too long.

Last night, had a 45 minute phone conversation that went well. I wasn't (and am not) sure about this guy because he's a little older than typical for me.... but after the phone call, I'm looking forward to meeting him this weekend.

Another question..... there's a guy who's profile and emails sound interesting...but I'm not attracted to his picture (at all). I responded to his first email because he made me laugh out loud, in a good way...same as with his 2nd email. I look at his picture and think I made a mistake in responding because I'm not physically attracted to him. How would you handle that??? I don't want to just ghost on him, but...

Thank you! and happy hunting!

zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
In reply to: zjaney
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 9:32am
Re the guy whose profile and emails are interesting, and his first email had you laughing out loud:
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
In reply to: zjaney
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 10:51am

Sometimes people don't photograph all that well. I have to say (and trust me, I have had MANY first dates, so I speak from experience) I have only had one guy who was worse looking in person than in his profile picture (ironically, he was a photographer!). Most have actually been better looking. I think a guys perception of what a good picture is might be different from a woman's.

Unless he's really repulsive, I'd say give it a shot. If it's just blah, you might be pleasantly surprised in person.