Emotionally Unavailable? CP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Emotionally Unavailable? CP?
8
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 3:07pm

I could use a little help. Feeling a bit down.
I've been with my OLD man for four months. We are great friends, we truly care about each other and we both are not seeing anyone else. Profiles were taken down. I had met his family and I have gotten close to them as well. He is crazy about me and his actions speak it. When I need something or I am sick he is here in a heartbeat to take care of me.
I feel bad because I don't know where we are. We had this discussion a few times and he gets annoyed with me. Are we just friends or bf/gf. He cannot commit to call me gf because he has things he needs to do in his life first. He needs to secure it and feel good about himself before getting serious. I think he does have alot of insecure issues he needs to deal with, but we are practically behaving like gf/bf without saying it. I feel almost led on. And this bothers me.
I don't have a desire to meet anyone. I want to be with him, but I don't want to fool myself. Thinking there's something there and it isn't.
As far sex goes, we tried. It's a guy thing, but I'm patient with that. But, I also don't feel good even going there without that feeling of being bf/gf.
I don't like feeling that I'm on a rollercoaster. We're just friends, please don't leave me. He wants things to stay as they are. He is afraid of change. I, on the otherhand, would like to take a step forward.
I had ordered He Scared, She's scared by Stephen Carter. I don't know if this will help,or if I should just cut my losses and move on.
I do know one thing. If you're with someone and you feel bad then that's not a good thing.
I do not like being in a standstill. I like moving forward and growing.

Any advice. Tell it to me straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 3:34pm
His behavior reeks of boyfriend, however he won't make a committment to you. It's not fair for you to be left in limbo like that. I was in a situation like that years ago, and he strung me along for close to a year, and then dumped me for someone else, who btw he had no trouble making a committment to. The only advice I can give you is to give him a time frame to make up his mind. Tell him if he dosen't committ in X amount of time, you will have to end the relationship and persue others who can committ to you. You must stick to your guns if you decide to do this, and you must stress to him that you are not giving him an ultimatum or playing games, but rather you need growth and if he can't provide it, then you must move on.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:30pm
Sounds like my last "relationship".
Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:34pm

Interesting situation, but doesn't sound like fun. In some ways (although certainly not all), I have been there recently myself. I would say that it depends on what you want out of it. If I were in that position, I would be frustrated and impatient. Actually, I have been putting my hopes into something that is going nowhere....and I have to let it go. Whether you let yours' go is something you have to decide. It isn't easy when you have started to develop feelings. If you are going to make a break, I guess sooner is better than later. I think I am going to pretend (as hard as it sounds) that he is dead.

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 7:01am
Linda....I was in a very similar situation....hung out for about a year, too. My "boyfriend" introduced me to his friend to other people and avoided everything that him feel like it was a relationship. When we broke up he had the nerve to tell me that he thought about us living together! That was odd considering he never talked to me about our relationship. In a goodbye letter he told me that he loved me and cared about me a lot but wasn't ready to move forward in a relationship. Exit stage right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 7:59am

Sounds like the same guy, Linda. They just can't seem to make any decision in any parts of their lives. How much you wanna bet that in a year, 5 years, there are still things that need to be done?
I really need to be strong now. Any contact would not be good because we just end up seeing each other. As much as I would love to remain friends, for me the desire to want more will still be there.

I like to keep positive. I've been on OLD for 1 1/2 years and had my heart broken quite a few times. It gets so frustrating and so disappointing that you just don't want to go through it again in fear of getting hurt again. The rejection, the crying, feeling scared, the drop in self esteem. Which is what I'd normally be feeling like this morning, right? Well, I don't. I feel OK. And I guess it's because I've been through it so much I developed a harder shell and just doesn't get to me as much. Rather than dwelling on a guy for the day, week, month I rather focus all my energy on my first and only true love. My Children. Then painting. Keep busy with the 2 and hopefully we have a great Christmas.

Thank You for letting me rant here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:23pm

I would say trust your instincts, but it doesn't sound good, or promising....

Sorry that you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 4:34pm
All of these posts have parts of what I had with Guy #2..the one who came on strong and then by date #3 was "confused" and weird acting (all within a 2-week period). Oh BTW, his profile is AGAIN hidden on the yahoopersonals site. He hid his profile right after our "break-up" if you could call it that, and while we were talking again both on the phone and online thereafter. Then after that last phone call, it was suddenly "viewable" once again. Want to make a bet that he's met another online woman and she's caused him to be "confused" once more? Thus, the profile disappears again. So obvious that he wants some fantasy woman and even she couldn't live up to his standards. Wanted someone who was a non-drinker who didn't do the bar-scene but looked "cool" on a Harley. Yeah, there's one on every corner. :0
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:00pm

Update: There has been no contact since I last saw him on Wednesday.

Today I got "He's Scared, She's Scared" and I highly recommend it. I am finding comfort in it. I guess I need to understand things. I'm sure lots of you had a few great dates, maybe leading into months, then BAM! he disappears. You're left wondering why? Is there something wrong with me? Is there someone else? Well, alot of them just don't want to get too serious. Men & Women. This book is also good, cause I fall into the 'giver' category. I'm always trying to work on problems, always being there for him. Making things too easy?? Too comfortable??

This is important for me to know because I don't want to fall victim to another emotionally unavailable man. I'd like to learn about any red flags to look for before I get too emotionally attached to the person.

I'd like to throw some thoughts. I don't know if they all pertain to all CP'S:

They go from one woman to the next quickly. (pretty much to forget the last girl)
After a few dates/months they are afraid the woman will have high expectations of getting into an exclusive relationship.
Once the persuing is over things start changing and they are afraid of change. They say they're confused, need space and have to work on themselves.
Not only they cannot commit on a relationship, but on jobs, projects, goals.

I'd really hope some of you can add on to this. It would really help me out.