Encouragement for the New Year!!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:30am |
Hi, guys -
It's been a long time since I've posted (and I'm only reading sporadically now --- sorry!!) but I wanted to touch base and hopefully offer some encouragement as the new year begins.
I went online in January of 2004. I was 42; divorced for 2 years, six months out of a yearlong relationship that started just after my divorce was final.
Between January 2004 and March 2005, I went on 17 first meets.
Some were coffee dates, some were dinner (I found I was more comfortable with a glass of wine... I know it's against the rules!) I was always prepared to pay, but never had to.
I've been ghosted on, and I've done the ghosting (only once - honest!!)
I had several dates with a handful of the guys I met; two of them, I dated for a few months; at the time, there was another one I wish I'd given more of a chance.
One, a lawyer, tried to sue me when I broke things off. Another, who I had only talked on the phone with and hadn't met yet, showed up by surprise at the bookstore where I was working part time -- don't underestimate how scary this is. And yet another, who I'd only e-mailed once or twice, started sending me e-mails with my profile pictures attached and little notes like "this is the face of an angel." VERY scary...!
Otherwise, they were all great guys and I wish them the best. Some of them still contact me periodically, which is a little flattering, but a little sad, too. I found it was really easy to tell who was interested in truly finding a relationship and who was just looking to add to their personal bed tally.
When I was contacted by W in March of 2005, at first I didn't think to respond. He'd listed his height as 5'8" and I just thought that was too short. (as a p.s., almost universally I found that the men were shorter than what they'd put in their profiles... And not just by 1/2") But there was something engaging about his pictures.. He just looked so... KIND. And fun.
With all of my contacts, I followed the OLD "rules" as prescribed by the gang on this board -- e-mail first, maybe some IM (I personally HATE IM; too intrusive) and then phone conversation prior to meeting. I hate talking on the phone as well as IM -- I'm just much more comfortable in person -- but I found the phone test to be vital. It's a critical gauge for how quick, how witty, how educated someone is, and whether you'll actually be able to communicate with them.
The one "rule" I was a little more lax with than some of the group on the board was the "no sexual innuendo" rule. Blatant sexual overtones, yes, but I'm comfortable with a little suggestive banter so it wasn't a deal breaker for me.
I followed the same progression with W. After about a week of e-mailing, he was instantly forthcoming -- with his full name, place of employment, home, work and cellphone numbers, etc. He even made a joke about how it would easier for me to run a background check with the information he provided! (I never ran a check on anyone, but am not averse to it...) He'd been divorced for 6 years; online dating for a little over 2 years.
He WAS kind. And fun. And we had a lot in common.
Our first meet was for lunch on a Friday afternoon. By the time I got back to work, there was an e-mail thanking me, the next afternoon, he asked me to lunch and a movie. We followed a slow, 2 times a week, then 3 times a week, one weekend day dating progression for a while. After about 3 months, he asked if we could date exlusively. After a year, we moved in together. And yesterday, 9 months later after that, we got engaged.
I guess by telling you all this, I'm saying "hang in there" -- while everyone's experiences are different, there are some commonalities, too. We've all got the scary stalker story, the "I love you too soon sayer", the ghost, the guy who stands you up, the guy who just wants to get you into bed, the guy who calls randomly (it's true -- he's just not that into you...)
But there are good guys out there, too -- listen to your head and your heart and count on the wisdom and experience of the folks on this board. I personally learned a lot from northwestwanderer, cgun, vexer, and cupcake.
I also believe sometimes it takes a while to be clear about what you want -- W isn't 6'2" like most of the men I'd dated, but he also isn't a drunk or a control freak or an overgrown frat boy like most of the men I'd dated (and married)... Once I recognized that my pattern wasn't working (at 42 freaking years old!!!!!), I tried something else and found a wonderful man, and am looking forward to our wonderful life together.
Happy New Year and best wishes to all of you for much love and happiness in 2007!

Congratulations on your engagement!
Thank you for your story it’s really encouraging. So many people get down about on line dating and I keep saying it’s like anything in life there are good people on line just as there are good people walking down the street, at parties – anywhere it just increases your odds!
I am so thrilled for you! I too have been on the OLD rollercoaster on and off for the past several years! I have met some really scary characters...some really great guys and have had 2 fairly long relationships.After taking a self imposed hiatus for almost 2 years I (with the help of my friend Alison) plunged back into the OLD gambit...
Well like the saying goes - when you least expect it - that is when LOVE finds you...I have met a wonderful man - J is more than I could have ever dreamed - he is not perfect - but he is perfect for me!
Congratulations on your engagement - and may you have years and years of love and happiness!
Cheers!
Sarah
Hey, Tracy, congrats on your engagement!!! Wow, that's so cool. I'm really happy for you two.
I remember the lawyer guy who wanted to sue you...ai yai yai. What a dork. I'm so glad this is all having a happy ending for you. Gives me hope, even though I've been at this for what feels like *forEVER*, LOL.
Sheri
Congratulations on your engagement!!