The ethics of dating multiple people

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
The ethics of dating multiple people
2
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:41am

Hi there,

I'm new to online dating (3 months), and I've been reading this board for a couple of months. Your conversations haver been incredibly helpful. Thank you. I've gathered from your conversations that people are constantly dating multiple people at a time. I'm just not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I feel like since I'm paying for this service (I've been using eharmony), I should try to get the most out of it. On the other hand, can you really get to know one person if you are not fully concentrating on them? The longest I've ever been able to date two people at once before one of them clearly won out has been a month.

My current situation - I have date 8 planned with one man (will be four weeks) and now date 1 planned with another and I'm corresponding with 2 others. It is getting a little confusing. Plus, the date 8 guy is going to try to volunteer an extra shift at a festival in order to get me a free ticket to join him on another day. Thank goodness that the other guy wanted to go out another night, or one guy would be going out of his way to do something nice for me, while I was out on a date with someone else! This strikes me as unethical, yet I don't necessarily think that date 8 guy has long term (as opposed to fun fling) potential and therefore it makes sense to check out other people who might be more suitable for long term.

I was wondering how other people felt about dating multiple people. Am I very far from the norm on this? Or are other people ambivalent?

Thank you,
Lavender

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:17am

Hi, and welcome to the board!

Hmmm...unless you have made a commitment to be exclusive with someone and are not honoring that commitment, or you're lying to someone about whether you're dating others, I guess I don't see how dating more than one person is an ethical issue.

And I haven't found it a problem to get to know someone even if I'm dating other people for the first month or two. There's plenty of time after we decide to date exclusively to continue to get to know each other anyway ;-)!

However, if I didn't think a particular guy had LTR potential, then I wouldn't continue to date him (because I'm looking for a LTR). So you're probably going to be at a decision point with that guy soon.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:35am

As it stands, I have never really dated 2 people at the same time...in OLD or regular dating. I was just never fortunate enough to have 2 guys to juggle dates with. Even with OLD, it never happened either, even if I was corresponding with 2 at the same time. Few and far between and usually disappointments when we did finally meet.

I know others will tell you differently, but if I'm truly interested in someone, my mind cannot focus or give the right kind of attention to someone else (even if I had 2 wanting to go out with me). Maybe I'm sort of like you in that it goes against my ethics a bit. While I know there is no commitment with anyone when you're starting to date, I usually assume that the guy I go out with knows I'm not seeing anyone else, casual or otherwise. Maybe some women can juggle it all and it doesn't bother them. I've never been of that mindset though.

However, it would be NICE to have 2 offers in one week. Can't say that that has ever happened either, but I do understand your thought process. However, that said, I think the phrase of putting all your eggs in one basket is good to remember so that none of us overlooks someone else if they happen to come along.




Edited 8/17/2006 10:36 am ET by mitsy2