etiquette ?'s

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
etiquette ?'s
12
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 6:39am
I'm brand new to old and have questions about etiquette...Is it okay to initiate contact with a man, and then who pays for our first date? Say I winked at someone, he winked back, I sent an email, he responded and asked for a date? This hasn't happened, just curious...I'm newly divorced after a 16 year relationship/marriage and haven't dated in a long long time so the rules have changed!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:10am

oh boy are you in for some fun.

I've met Women almost entirely from them winking or writing and I've paid every time unless they got to a coffee meet first and bought themself coffee.

After the first contact by you (wink/email) the normal dating rituals take over and you're no longer expected to initiate contact -- at least that's the way it has been with my contacts.

If you haven't posted a profile yet - I'd spend a lot of time reading this forum and making a really good profile. As a new member your profile will be featured above everyone elses for a week or so -- which means you'll get a lot of attention. Don't blow it by having a ho-hum profile. Most of my experience is with Match - so that's what I'm commenting on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:21am
I always, (repeat ALWAYS) try to let the guy pay. I mean, they're probably gonna ghost on me anyway, so why not? So far, for the past 1 1/2 months that I've been doing this, I'm 100% with the guy paying, and that's been for 9 first meets, and 3 subsequent dates. I've had fun, and saved a boatload of money. At least since none have worked out, I can think of it that way!!! :))
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 1:51pm

I would never let the guy pay for the whole date on a first meet. That doesn't seem fair.

Lisa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 3:02pm

I only allow the guy to pay if I'm interested in seeing him again. If I'm not interested, I *insist* on paying my half!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:22pm

I say he asked, he pays. I've had women offer to pay for half (it IS 2005, after all) and I just tell them that I'm old fashioned enough that I'm compelled to pay. ;)

And some of the other advice is good. In fact, if I were you, I'd hide my profile right now and review the posts here for a while before putting it public again. That way you can change it around so that you hit the streets with a really GOOD one.

More advice? How long is it that you're divorced? If it's less than 6 months, do not date. In fact, after a 16 year marriage, if you're not split up for at least a year, I wouldn't date.

The reason is that no matter how you cut it, when you first split up with someone after that kind of long-term deal, you're not a complete person. You have holes where the other person used to fit- even if they treated you like crap, you and them were still part of an overall unit.

Until you have filled in those holes on your own, you're going to subconsciously be trying to find someone who fits them, and that is a crappy way to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:46pm

Thanks for all the advice. I guess I'd be most comfortable at least offering to pay my way, especially if I am the one who initiated the contact if not the first date. I haven't posted my profile on this site but did on another site. I have yet to meet anyone through it though, probably my not including a picture doesn't help but I just can't take the teasing from all the people who might see it. But I did wink at someone and he winked back, so I sent him an email. I'm really not sure what else I'm supposed to do, I understand following traditional rules of dating but why bother pretending I'm not interested when obviously I joined the site to meet men.

As for my marital/divorced status, I have been separated for almost a year but am not legally divorced yet, in my state it takes forever. That should be final April 12, if there is a God. I have been dating since just about 3 months after we separated. The only problem I have is I seem to attract very needy men, and being a single mother with full custody of 3 kids neediness is very unatractive right now, it's like having a 4th kid. But the one who DOESN'T answer my email after 2 days has me checking my mail every chance I get. Go figure.

Anyway, glad to have found this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:51pm
You'll get 10x better results with online dating if you post a picture.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:09pm

Wouldn't that depend on the picture?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:12pm

Head shot, full length shot, candid shot.

I think a good clear set of photos only helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:55am

WARNING: I'm going to express moral opinions in this post. We usually avoid them on this board, but I'm making an exception because it's a strongly held opinion. If anyone reading does not like strongly held opinions, move on.

>>As for my marital/divorced status, I have been separated for almost a year but am not legally divorced yet<<

Then you are still married, and you have no business dating.

Period. End of story. Get divorced first. Until then, you are married, and married people aren't supposed to date.

I have nothing to back this up other than simple common sense. I do not date married women, and I do not think it is nice, classy, good, or any thing at all positive for a woman to date a married man or a man to date a married woman.

Okay, you've been separated forever, there's no chance of reconciliation, blah blah blah... YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. All that other stuff is just excuses.

I'm not saying you are a bad person; I am saying you are doing what I strongly, strongly consider to be a bad thing. There's a difference. In fact, I suspect the odds are that you are a very good person who just wants some companionship and happiness, and these are things that nearly everyone would benefit from.

Nonetheless, you are still married until you get divorced. Don't date.

>>I have been dating since just about 3 months after we separated. The only problem I have is I seem to attract very needy men,<<

Way too soon, IMO. It just takes longer than that to get yourself right and ready and happy/comfortable with yourself.

And the fact that all you're getting is needy men is a giant, flashing, huge neon sign that says "YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG".

If that's all you are drawing, and you keep doing the same thing in the same way, guess what you're going to keep drawing? Yep, head cases and needy men.

Do something different. Stop dating. Hide the profile. Get divorced, for Pete's sake! :) Then, after a couple or several months, when you're feeling really good and happy, redo your profile.

Your happiness WILL come through and you WILL draw happy, healthy, good men. It's how it works.

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