Ever Sought Counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Ever Sought Counseling?
2
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:46pm

I know some of you have, but at what point do you seek counseling for life issues? I have a good friend who happens to be a psychic, but he does not live here in town. Maybe I need someone less biased to seek advice from. I have been so down and out about things with my life (mainly my dating life), that I have absolutely no ambition to get back with OLD. I still have my profile up, but I am not a subscriber and have no interest in any of the men who have sent one liners or emails to me. I feel stagnate and "blah" as Stacey has said.

What I think is at the root of the problem is that I had absolutely no closure with Mark. He's the guy who had the custody issues to fight and left town without ending things with me or even saying bye. He left in mid-May. I was sure he would come back to town and come to his senses about things. Never happened. Then I was interested in another guy who lived locally who seemed very interested in me. Gave him my phone number. Later he told me he needed to end things with someone he had been seeing on and off. Said he knew she was not the woman for him. Well, I am still waiting for him to call, so I take it that he still does not have the guts to end things with her. When I thought this guy might ask me out, I was not feeling nearly so bad about Mark's behavior. I was actually not mourning that old relationship as much. Now that nothing is happening, I am back to feeling not only bad about Mark's bad behavior but am thinking NOTHING ever works out for me. Why should I sign up for more heartache and disappointment with OLD? I would just be wasting my time, money and emotions. I feel like crying a lot of the time now, and going into the holiday season seems to magnify all that I find lacking in my life now.

It has been 6 months since I have seen Mark. I know I should be over it, but I am not. He has not contacted his sister either, so he cut ties with the very people who cared about him. I know his sister is still hurting as well. We do still talk occasionally.

Can counseling really help?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 5:39pm

Yes, it really can help. I've sought counseling at 3 points in my life--one when I was clinically depressed towards the end of my marriage, but I only went for a short time and didn't really get into the issues and once she started probing too much (and I started to feel better due to taking Prozac for a few months), I stopped (which was a mistake, but I couldn't see it at the time). The 2nd time was a couple years after my 4 year post-divorce relationship ended--I wasn't able to move on from that and see that he wasn't right for me, and going to counseling helped *immensely*. I finally dealt with a lot of "family of origin" type issues that had caused me to have some serious abandonment and self-esteem issues that affected my relationships. I went for a couple years until I started to feel better about how I was handling those issues in the context of my relationships.

The 3rd time was fairly recently...a little less than a year ago. I was dealing with the complete disappearance of a man I'd been involved with for 18 months, plus I was losing my job due to the law firm I worked for closing the office I worked in. This time, I sought a therapist who was more of a "coach" and more focused on cognitive behavior techniques (as opposed to the deeper, family of origin stuff) and it was very helpful. I'd like to continue going to her at least occasionally for a "tune up", but I had to stop due to my financial situation (being fully self-employed now), plus the crisis situation had passed. But I definitely learned some valuable techniques from her that I am now using.

With respect to Mark, I think it would help you to focus on accepting that he showed you who he is with his behavior in going back to his ex. A man who was right for you wouldn't have done that. Accept that, and you'll get your closure. I do realize it's easier said than done, but it's what you should be working towards.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 6:37pm
Yes, Mitsy, counseling can help, a lot. I have always been emotionally a very strong person, but sometimes one needs that objective outsider view to be able to step back and recognize self destructive behaviors. I went to counseling 3x, about 5 years ago when my marriage became too stressful, couples counseling in the last ditch effort to salvage our marriage and finally to get through the divorce and recover from the grief from that situation. Counseling helped my children tons as well. One has to find the right counselor, so if you decide to try it and you don't have good rapport with the first therapist, find another one. Many employer provided health insurance policies have mental health benefits, depression is usually covered.