Is EVERY cheap man alive on OLD - why me
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| Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:42pm |
Last month I went out with a guy who made me wait 45 minutes because he REFUSED to pay for parking - when I figured it out I WALKED... now this guy.
That guy that made me question whether or not I broke "the rules" finally called me. It turns out he was out of town on business in NYC. He calls on Saturday and he wants to get together. I let the first call go into voicemail. He did not call in almost a week - uh-uh! I answered when he called a second time a few hours later - I was in line for Ring 2 at the time. I told him that I was at the movies and that Sunday was Easter.
He said to call him when I got out - we could do something. I called him at 9. He asked me to come over to his place... NOT! I suggested drinks - he said yes, he would shower and pick me up. Then he calls and says he is too tired. I said fine - not too happy - I changed and put on mascara! and suggested that we get together during the week.
He mentioned his place again. I said no. It was too soon (second date), I had to get to know him better. He said he wasn't after sex just "kissing and cuddling" I said, I had nothing against "kissing and cuddling" but I was not going over to his place until I knew him better.
Hello??? I am not a CHEAP DATE and I want to go out. I did not say that to him.
He said he would call me about getting together later in the week, but to call him if I changed my mind about his place. I said I would not change my mind. Wednesday, he IMs me and asks if I am keeping my lips warm for him, then he says he is not ready for a relationship but he would love to "kiss and cuddle". WTF??? I was so thrown by that - the unmitigatged gall of the second part - that I just said I am not into casual things - see ya around. What I really meant was - I am not sure if I want a relationship WITH YOU, either, I have to get to know you better but I sure as hell am not going to make out with you when I know you are not interested in anything else and WTF is with the "kissing and cuddling" anyway? We aren't 17 here!
GOOD RIDDANCE!

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Well I'm glad the meeting at your place for movies works for you, but IMHO the women are taking a great risk of doing that since they don't know you from a serial killer (not saying that you are that way but there is always a possibility with a stranger), and not going to your house for a first meet, to me, has nothing to do with a woman being "shy" as you said, even though you like your "entertainment setup" there. Also, most guys who want you to come to their place right away are looking for a quick night of sex.
You said, "...I just decided long ago I was tired of taking a woman out to wine and dine her and then she would just ghost on me after that first date..." That is why I say to do coffee meets and other less expensive things until you know if there is interest there on either of your parts. The purpose of the first meet is to see if there is interest there, so I wouldn't take it personally if the women ghost after that - it just wasn't meant to be and is part of the process of OLD.
I have to say that if a guy insisted from the first date that we go dutch, I'd probably think he was a very cheap person and wouldn't have much interest, not that I have to have a super well off guy, but a miser is not what I am looking for either. I am a very generous person and couldn't be with a miserly man. But again Bryan, JMHO.
Sunshine
sunshine, I am with you on all points. If a guy asks me to come over to his place on a first date, especially a first OLD date, sirens and warning bells go off in my head! Although the el cheapo thing might cross my mind, I am more likely to be thinking that this guy is looking for sex. I don't care how great he tells me his entertainment system set up is (would sound like a line to me) or even if he didn't push it past the first suggestion. That would be a red flag that I would keep in my mind. If the guy otherwise seems OK, then I would probably still go ahead and meet in a public place but if there were any other iffy things, I would most likely decline to meet the guy at all.
Also agreed that it has nothing to do with "shyness" (although that may have just been a word you used for lack of a better one, Bryan). If a woman turns you down if you ask her to come to your place, she is not shy, she is smart and playing it safe. Personally, as a woman, I would not suggest you ask a woman over to your place until you have been going out a couple/few times. These days, no one can be too careful. And it isn't just you they should be wary of - you should be wary of them! TallTX has a couple of scary/crazy stories of psycho girls that he invited over too soon! It is for your own safety as well as hers that you shouldn't invite a near stranger to your home.
I also agree on the paying/not paying. I do NOT expect to go to a super expensive restaurant on a first OLD date. I prefer drinks, coffee or a nice inexpensive dinner. BUT, I think that it is still a gentlemanly thing for a guy to pay. I won't knock him off the list if he doesn't but again, it is a warning. Usually I will make an offer or a move to pay my share and almost always, the guy has insisted on paying the whole bill. I think that is a very nice gesture and I always appreciate it. If we do anything else or go out again, I will reciprocate. I don't need a Mr. Moneybags either, but a $40 dinner shouldn't break him.
First of all, there's a happy-medium between having dinner at a food court and a fancy restaurant.
I agree with Vexer and CGUN that the mention of watching TV on the big screen also makes me think the guy is too cheap to go out on a real date. Once you're seeing eachother, then that's a different story. But if you have to include the big screen TV as one of your selling points, then there's something wrong there. So there would be the issues of coming over the first time for movies looking possibly of: booty call, not being safe for either party, and/or el-cheapo. Bryan, I would tend to think that you have missed out on some good possibilities if you have mentioned meeting at your place to watch the big screen for a first meet...maybe not a good thing to say to a prospective date IMHO...
I guess I wasn't on here to hear TallTX's description of psycho women that he brought to his place too soon... But I can imagine!
Sunshine
Maybe it's a generational thing but I hate it when I'm trying to watch something and somebody is talking to me. I really consider TV-watching a solitary activity. I don't even like watching TV with my actual BF -- we get so little time together as it is, I prefer us to focus on each other, not some third party in the room.
He lacks class and is looking for one thing; move on. He must meet you in your neck of the woods & plan something, period.
No, I don't "force" women to come to my place and that is the only option for a first date. I just give that as one of the options available. I'm very open in that regard and if they want to meet elsewhere, that's fine with me.
I also just try to make the first meeting if in public, something simple that they can feel free to split if they want and vice versa if things aren't going well. Like meeting for coffee at a local bookstore, food court at the mall, all that.
I just tend to stay away from going out to eat somewhere flashy for a first date, all those experiences for me always seemed to crash and burn. Now just a quick bite to eat somewhere?? Sure, I'm all for that, but a real "sit down" restaurant, I reserve that for a second or third date when I know there is some genuine interest brewing there.
If someone is coming over to my place, I make sure they know all my information and even tell them they should tell someone else where they are going, give them my phone number and all that. If they aren't comfortable at all, I don't push the issue, I don't try to change their mind or badger them into it. Any of that type of mentality just leaves a bad connotation and is like "begging" them to come over. I never want to sound like that.
Bryan
I agree with your general concept of a fast first meet. Going fancy hasn't worked for me and meeting after extended email has been a disaster. My best meets have been those where it has been a couple emails and then off to a coffee shop. My worst have been those where we are constantly re-scheduling and playing the daily email game. This causes one or both sides (imho) to start to draw unrealistic expectations of what the outcome would be.
I'm also the absolute worlds worst person at figuring interest levels so I'm not going to do it anymore. If people want to continue communicating - that would be great but I'm no psychologist and my past indicates a lukewarm followup email indicates someone just being polite and seeing if one more date and a bit more liquor turns me into Matt Damon.
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