Ex is back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Ex is back!
11
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 12:48pm

First, please don't flog me for posting here as I realize this is only loosely speaking an OLD question (my ex and I met online) but you guys give such good advice that I hope you can help me out . . .

Those of you who have been around for awhile may remember this guy . . . he broke up with me over a year ago after nearly getting engaged. We were mostly compatible in terms of goals and personalities; what ended things is that when things weren't going smoothly (which I take some responsibility for - I was not as patient or accepting as I should have been) he dealt with it by ending our relationship rather than trying to talk about it or work on things. I was heartbroken and it took a long time to get over him, but I have learned from my mistakes in that relationship and moved on. I still care deeply for him and think about him often, but have not seen or spoken to him since we broke up.

Anyway . . . I just got a "fishing" email from him - not exactly saying that he wants to get back together, but saying that he still cares for me and thinks that if we had found a better way to manage conflict we would still be together.

ARGH! It took forever but I thought I was finally over him - but now this email has me in a tailspin. I have never gotten back together with an ex and am not sure it would be a good idea - but I still care for him and haven't been able to get him completely out of my mind the whole time we have been apart.

I have not decided what to do yet - right now my thoughts are all over the place and not very coherent. Part of me wants to see him again, at least just to talk, and part of me is afraid to, I think b/c I am afraid of getting involved with him again and having things go south again. One more bit of background is that he was engaged years ago and broke it off a couple of months before the wedding, so I have concerns that he either isn't willing to work through hard times and runs when problems arise or just doesn't know what he wants - and if so then he may do the same thing again if we did get back together.

Any thoughts or words of advice? Am I foolish to entertain the notion of getting back together with him? I could use some perspective . . .

Oh, and further complicating things . . . there is a match guy who I really like (well, on paper anyway :) who called me yesterday so I have to return that call tonight- hopefully I can get myself in proper phone condition by then.

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: ginger_202
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:05pm
*if if if* you give the ex another shot, I'd say approach it
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: ginger_202
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:06pm

I agree with PM's advice to you, and want to also share a story with you about a friend of mine.


She was in a relationship with a guy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: ginger_202
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:21pm
...there's a reason they are called "Ex's".
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: ginger_202
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:23am

Thanks PM, CG & LG. I appreciate the thoughts and LG, I normally would agree with you - but it's different when it's ME. lol I guess that is a sign that I should proceed with much caution, if at all.

CG, thanks for the reminder of how things can go with exes. I know people who have gone round and round with exes and it's not pretty. I remember a friend of a friend whose bf used to break up with her every couple of months and yet she took him back every time. Misery!

I really wanted to write back to him last night, but I decided to sleep on it and I'm glad I did b/c this morning I started remembering more of the bad things and problems whereas initially all I had in my head were the good things and I want to have a balanced view of things before I decide what to do . . .

P.S. I did speak to J, the other match guy, last night, and I managed to put the ex out of my head and have a pleasant conversation - we are meeting for lunch this weekend. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: ginger_202
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:19am
That's great!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: ginger_202
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:27pm

I remember this guy - you were sort of close to getting engaged but he kept putting it off if memory serves me correctly?


Yes, helping remember why you broke up will help you make

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
In reply to: ginger_202
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:55pm

ginger, I didn't want to post about so difficult a decision when you were thinking things out. But I am very relieved about the steps you are taking.

Allowing a breaker-up-er back into your life is fraught with danger. There may be some success stories around, but they are sort of like the OLD success stories I keep hearing -- second hand and rare.

In your op you said, "Anyway . . . I just got a "fishing" email from him - not exactly saying that he wants to get back together, but saying that he still cares for me and thinks that if we had found a better way to manage conflict we would still be together. "

What's this "we" business? He had a good thing going and he blew it. Although it's true that it takes two to tango, HE is the one who walked away. And it sounds like the grass wasn't so green after all on the other side!

Have a great time with your new date(s).

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: ginger_202
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:18am

Thanks everyone. :)

SP, that is the guy! Amjay, thanks for the words of caution. I get your point about the 'we' language though FWIW he did acknowledge his own responsibility - but still, point well taken, he was the one who chose to walk.

I wrote back to him last night, and we are going to meet tonight and talk. We'll see how it goes. I haven't made any decisions about how to proceed as that will depend on whether I see any positive changes in him. If his communication style is the same and he sees no problem with that, then I think that will be it. I'll let you know what happens - wish me luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
In reply to: ginger_202
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:03am

I do wish you luck, ginger!!

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: ginger_202
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 7:52pm

Good luck Ginger! People can change, but they rarely do, only if they really want to.

Sunshine

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