Exchanging real names

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Exchanging real names
18
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 10:49am

At what point is it "normal" to exchange real names? How can I find out my match's real name (or what he says is his real name) without disclosing mine first?

I have been on Match.com for a couple of months and have had online conversations with more than half a dozen "matches" but nothing has progressed to a "meet-and-greet." Right now I am talking to one guy who seems nice enough but who hasn't told me his real last name. We have progressed to e-mailing outside the Match "anonymous mail" but both of us have mail addresses that don't disclose our names.

I don't know how to ask for his last name without first offering mine. But it makes me nervous because why hasn't he offered his first? (He was the one who "winked" at me. He was the one who suggested we e-mail outside Match.) Given that there is typically more of a safety risk for women than for men shouldn't he be the one who first discloses "identifiable information"?

The thing is his e-mails are disclosing private, personal information (nothing sexual, just feelings, personal history, confession of flaws) and he seems to expect me to respond in kind but I feel uncomfortable doing that with someone whose full name I hardly know.

Plus, I think that this kind of disclosure should come AFTER we have met face-to-face. I mean, it's like this guy doesn't want to meet me in person or even give me "identifiable information" until I have learned about his inner soul--and that seems kind of backwards to me.

I'm new at this. What do you all think?

El

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:36am

Mark, I am not sure I follow your message. My posts have been about a guy telling me some private stuff that wouldn't be relevant unless we were talking about marriage and yet we hadn't exchanged full names yet. I wanted to know if this was usual in OLD.

Since you say that you don't disclose intimate personal information about yourself, then we obviously weren't talking about anything you do.

El

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 1:29am

Clarification: I was sharing my experience, perspective, and views for you to apply to your own experience or not.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:29am
That's how I read it, Mark.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:17pm
For me, b4 i meet someone - i need their whole name AND where they work. It just seems safer to me. Of course, they could be lying ... but thats why i am careful & meet only in public unless I am positive they are totally on the up

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:25pm

Yeah, I think meeting in a public place is best. A guy I've been e-mailing with for a few weeks asked me yesterday if we could meet this Sunday afternoon or sometime during the week. I have suggested a very nice cafe at the edge of my favorite mall. It's central for both of us and very public but has nice cozy booths. And some of the waitstaff sort of knows me (not enough to care about who I'm with but enough to know that if I say something is wrong I am not some crazy broad making a fuss).

I think this guy has told me his real name. And he explained where he works, though I am not sure where that is. I have told him my first name but not my last name (I know his because it is on his e-mail address) but I will be telling him when I give him my phone number to talk/plan our meet-and-greet. Of course, if this is like the two previous guys that discussed meeting me and went so far as to make plans, he may now disappear.

As for the guy who hadn't told me his last name but was confiding personal stuff, I think he didn't like it that I didn't respond with the same kind of personal stuff because he has stopped e-mailing me. No big loss, I say.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 8:49am

But on the flip side, do you tell guys your whole name and where you work? That would only be fair, and something I am totally not comfortable with.

Ok, yeah, so I work in a secure area at an airport, so it's not like they could get in easily to stalk me or something, so I usually don't have a problem telling guys where I work, but I don't like to mention the company. Makes it too easy to find me. And with a full name, you can find my address, and that makes me very uncomfortable.







iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:17am
I can understand what you mean about too much personal information. It sounds like the guy who ghosted was trying to build a false sense of intimacy. Good for you to let him go!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:54am
Yep. If I am at the point where I am going to meet someone, yes, they know my whole name & where I work (hospital in town).

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