exclusive talk
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exclusive talk
| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:56am |
I need some help with the exclusive talk. I have been dating a guy for about a month and yes we have been intimate. We both still get on the dating site but I am more just looking around than really doing anything with it. I know he is not dating others because we talk every night and see each other 3-4 days a week. Anyway, things are going really well. My question is, how do you bring up the exclusive talk without scaring the guy off? Any suggestions would be very helpful. Thank you

>>things are going really well. My question is, how do you bring up the exclusive talk without scaring the guy off?
Well my first thought would be not to have sex with him before the talk. My second thought would be to stop having sex with him and start talking with other people if the talk didn't go 100% exclusive.
IMHO and experience - any wavering on the exclusivity (either verbal or actions such as remaining online)is a huge honking red flag.
While you may feel uncomfortable bringing it up, I suggest just doing it. "Hey, since we have been seeing each other for a month, having sex and spending so much time together- what do you think about both of us taking our profiles down and not dating other people?"
He can either say yes or no. If he says yes, then you have a BF. If he say no, at least you know the type of man you are having sex with and you will be able to evaluate what YOU want to do. You haven't given us enough facts to know what this particular guy will do. But I've had both reactions before, so hope for the best but expect the worst.
For your own health and safety though, if this man says No and you keep having sex with him, please please please use a condomn. You don't know how many other people he's having sex with regardless that you speak everyday and see each other 3-4 days a week.
Good luck and let us know what happens...
I agree it can be awkward, but wouldn't you rather know than not know? Even if it's not the answer you're looking for, at least you are aware of where you stand and you can move onto greener pastures.
If it makes you feel less "scared" (for lack of a better word) about what the outcome will be, I see it going 1 of 2 ways. This is based on my own experiences and what I've read on the board.
#1: He wants to be exclusive too. But because you haven't talked about it, he's afraid of putting all his eggs in one basket, so he's still online seeing what's out there. Probably not doing anything more than looking. He'll be relieved you've had this conversation and both profiles will come down. (Or some variation of this.)
#2: Isn't ready to commit, doesn't want to commit, committment "issues"- enjoys your company, but wants the option of being able to enjoy the company of others.
It sounds like you really like this guy, so I hope it's number #1. :)
The anxiety of the unknown is sometimes worse than the known, just ask. Rip it off like a bandaid. ;)
Good luck...
First thing to keep in mind: you CANNOT "scare off" a guy who is right for you. If he gets "scared off" by the topic, then you're simply not right for each other, so no big loss!
I always have the talk before we sleep together, so I can't really help you with the "how", since my discussion is tied to not feeling comfortable sleeping with someone until we have agreed to date exclusively and take our profiles down. I suppose you could say that you aren't comfortable with it and should have brought it up sooner?
I would also find out what *type* of relationship he's looking for (in general, not with YOU yet), to make sure you're on the same page. It doesn't do any good to be "exclusive" with someone who is just looking for casual sex and companionship, if that's not what you're also looking for.
Here's a link to an excellent post on the topic by a man who freqents some of the other boards here in IV:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1
Sheri
Sheri,
Quit your day job and do this full time!
I'm serious.
Your advice is so sound that it rings in my head on a daily basis.
>>It doesn't do any good to be "exclusive" with someone who is just looking for casual sex and companionship, if that's not what you're also looking for.
Totally......