Exclusivity Talk - *please* help!!!!!!!!
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| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 12:56pm |
I don't even know where to begin with the exclusivity talk!
Here's my scenario. I really really like this guy from match. We've been dating now for 3 weeks and were recently intimate. We have not talked about being exclusive outright but at one point he somehow mentioned it, to which I replied "are we exclusive? do you want to be?" but then that was it.
Here is my situation, and please, I realize that some of you feel differently, but anyway, here goes. I want to pursue a relationship with this gentleman, and also pursue being intimate with him, but I do Not want to take down my profile from match, nor do I want to be completely exclusive. Sex-wise, yes, I will be exclusive. But I am not ready to stop dating and meeting others.
I know I sound like I am speaking from a guy's POV, but really, this is how I feel!
Sure, sometimes it bothers me to see him Online at match, but I am just not ready for a committment.
SO, how do I have the exclusive or non-exclusive talk without hurting him?

I'd say for safety reasons (i.e. health risks) I'd like to know that we are sexually exclusive only sleeping with eachother.
Just to play devils advocate and throw some ideas out there....
"I'd say for safety reasons (i.e. health risks) I'd like to know that we are sexually exclusive only sleeping with eachother."
Why does it matter? Whether we are monogamous or not, we are SAFE either way! No fluid exposure, no unprotected genital contact. Besides which, even "safe" sex isn't safe, it's just not quite AS risky. If you truly value your health and your life, ALWAYS assume that it's possible your new partner is HIV positive. So take no chances until you have the TRUST (established over time) to know that it's been at least 6 weeks since the last previous partner and the full range of STD tests comes out clean.
SO........having said all that, is the exclusivity talk really all that important? Clearly you don't want to be exclusive as far as developing a one-on-one relationship, so why bother limiting yourselves to one sex partner? If there is no emotional investment, what is the actual value of such a promise, and what's to stop either of you from breaking the 'agreement' anyway?
These are MY honest questions, because I'd like to understand what the point is of being sexually monogamous with someone if you're not developing a relationship. Isn't it just a comfort thing where the idea of a mutual arrangement makes it feel less 'casual'?
For me, it's more about the "ick" factor than anything else. I just don't like the thought of someone I'm sleeping with sleeping with someone else while we're involved(shudder!). It's not really jealousy, exactly (although I guess there's a bit of that)...it's more that the thought is just gross to me. For me, it really has nothing to do with whether it's casual or not.
Sheri
To me, 3 weeks is to early to be talking exclusivity one way or another. If it comes up again, I would tell him that saying that you like him and like being with him and would like to continue seeing him but that you're not ready for a commitment quite yet. One thing you'll have to try hard to do is not let it bother you that he has a profile still up on Match - you can't have it both ways! :-)
As for the sexual exclusivity talk, I'm with peanut and Sheri. Maybe approaching it from the health way or by saying something about that you prefer to know that when you are sleeping with someone that they are not sleeping with anyone else as you are not either... I think that's fine but since you are approaching it with the "let's sleep with each other and only each other but let's still be able to date other people", you might want to expect a little confusion or even hurt feelings on his part depending on where he is in the relationship. You'll have to approach it all very delicately. Good luck!
Hey There,
Just thought I'd chime in here;-P In theory, this "Sexclusivity" arrangement you're proposing sounds great, but it's just another FWB scenario. As long as you're both honest and in agreement though, then why not? I'd definitely approach it from a health perspective AND focus on agreeing to the appropriate tests and precautions, should the conversation get that far.
That being said, I'm gonna throw my 2 cents in by saying, IF you both agree to pursue the relationship from this angle then you also have to accept the reality of this, being: you are both continuing your search for the BBD. Let's face it, when the right person comes along, desire for exclusivity is a no-brainer.
Three weeks is still very early and the benefit of seeing others will put this guy in perspective and maybe several weeks down the line you'll both reach a point where you both want to pull your profiles and see only each other, or not. Until then you're gonna have to get used to seeing him "online now" because he's seeing you there too, and the closer you get physically the harder it's going to be knowing that this guy is dating other women and making comparisons and one day MAY choose someone else.
The key to this working to your mutual benefit is honesty. You've got to keep the lines of communication open about the sex yet be discreet about the other dates.
Take care,
Michele
Phoenix,
I agree to some degree however the more sexual partners you have or make out buddies the more likely you are to catch a cold by kissing them deeply etc.