falling for a man... but no future
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| Sun, 01-29-2006 - 9:57pm |
Hi,
So, it didn't work out with the previous guy I met on Match. Recently I met another guy - he is great and genuine. We have very similar outlooks in life and know the same circle of people (professionally). There is one problem, though. His job prohibits him from marrying a non-citizen (he's working for the government) - and I am not a citizen. It will take at least 7 or 8 years before I become one. We are both aware of this problem before we agreed to meet, although we never really talked about it. So I was very careful since the beginning, and I constantly remind myself that I should not fall for this guy since I am in my late 20s and I am looking for a long-term relationship. After my recent heart-breaking experiences, I certainly don't want to experience another one. My impression from his profile is that he's looking for the same thing. Don't get me wrong - I usually don't think about marriage after one or two dates (ok I lied, I do occasionally picture if a man would fit my future-husband-profile), but if there is no potential for long term relationship, then I need to be extra careful. We had so much fun and connection during the first two dates, although I kept telling myself that we'll just keep it casual (and I assume that's what he wanted too). For the third date, I was so looking forward to seeing him that I was a little bit uneasy and scared of my own feelings. It went very well, and at the end of the date, we kissed. I freaked out a little, because it felt too nice! He called me the next day to tell me what a great time he had, and he wants to see me again. Up until the kiss, our conversations or interactions were pretty much platonic - we had deep conversations but never really flirted with each other. That's why I assumed that due to the circumstances, he might just want to stay friends. But the kiss kind of threw me off the course. I think I am starting to have feelings for him, and I really don't know if I should stop seeing him now before the feelings become stronger. He is really a gerat guy, and I don't thik that he's the player type. However, I am really confused because I don't know what his expectations are. Am I over-reacting or is it too soon to worry about the future? What would you do if you fall for someone whom you're almost certain that you cannot have a future with? I am feeling a bit sad now, because I do like him, and I know he likes me too. I just don't know where to go from here. Should I let things take their own course, or should I end it now?
J.
p.s. I remember Sheri had a similar experience a while ago with someone who was moving away? I am not sure that I can handle this kind of relationship, as I could fall for a guy pretty easily, and I can almost feel the heart-break that might come in the near future...
Edited 1/30/2006 10:14 am ET by jjjj2004
Edited 1/30/2006 11:35 am ET by jjjj2004

Hey there,
Hmm...that's a tough one! My first inclination would be to say don't get involved...but I suppose that if the two of you fell in love, he could change jobs, couldn't he? If that's at least a possibility, then I'd probably continue to see him.
My situation was a little different, in that since he was moving, I *knew* there was a finite, defined end that had nothing to do with me or "us". So neither of us had to end it, it would just end. Plus it was short-term (he moved just a few months after we met) so there wasn't that much time to get attached. Even so, I'm not sure I would do that again...it was fun while it lasted but it was also painful, more so than I thought it would be.
Sheri
Well... I assume that he can always get a job that doesn't require such secrecy clearance, but as much as I care about him now, I don't think I want to put him in this kind of situation. He's career-oriented, loves his job, and is very excited about his recent promotion. I don't know if I should discuss with him about the future. Actually I was thinking about asking him what his expectations are since the first date, but my male friends all told me that it's a definite NO-NO, and that it'll most likely freak him (or any man) out. Any advice on how I should approach this? Thanks! Sheri, I can feel your pain... that's why I am hesitant about moving forward. But I just like him so much! :(
J.
p.s. I went back to read my original post and realized that I mispelled "platonic" as "plutonic" LOL. I wonder what a "plutonic relationship" would be like...
If this man is not interested in getting married anytime soon, you are the lady for him. If you are interested in getting married sooner than 7-8 years, then you might want to find a guy who can meet your needs.
It is very cut and dried. This guy is going to have to quit his job in order to marry you, do you think he would be the type to do that?
Hmmm...I've never had a guy "freak out" on me when I have asked what type of relationship he's looking for in general, just to make sure we are on the same page. But that's one area where the age difference may be a factor...probably more men in their 40s have actually given some thought to this and know what they are looking for than men in your age group.
How about continuing to date him but non-exclusively for another month or so (so don't sleep with him yet, in other words, and continue to meet and date other men)? Then before you decide whether to date him exclusively, you can tell him that you are concerned about getting involved with someone who wouldn't be able to marry you, since marriage is something that's important to you? You might find that as you get to know him better, there are other things about him that make him not compatible with you, anyway.
Sheri
Hi,
It's a great advice. Thanks! I guess it's probably too early to be worried now. I could be too presumptuos. I should wait until he expresses more interests in me, while at the same maintaining my sanity, before I think about the future. :P
To answer Chamey's questions: he's 37 so I am assuming that he would like to settle down soon (he also hints at that in his profile). It's too early to tell if he's the kind of person who would give up his career for a woman, but my guess is no. He sounds like a very independent person who doesn't need a woman to complete his life, and he's happy with his life now. So I probably won't bet my head on that one. :)
J.
If you fell in love with him or vice versa can't he get another job?
It's too soon to think about all this. Have fun and continue to date others not just him. That way you will stay distracted.
jj----there is nothing in most government jobs that prohibits the employee from marrying a foreign national. Within the security clearance process the adjudication process is such that if you are a married to a foreign national it is ok, unless the foreign national is an agent/spy for that other country (which I am going to assume you are not) or the foreign national is in a position to be exploited by their old country (doubtful again...)
here is a great link that explains the adjudication process. The link is specific to the military but it is the same for most federal jobs.
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/theorderlyroom/l/blsecforeign.htm
(Security clearances are closly related to my employment...so I have a little better knowledge than most of this process....and IMO just marrying a foreign national is not a big deal.....)