Fat or Skinny...the issue.

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Fat or Skinny...the issue.
31
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:50pm

Okay, I want honest opinions. I am a size 10 pants...I'm 5'4 and weigh about 155lbs. I'm not fat but I've been told I weigh more than I actually look. A size 10 isn't bad in my opinion. I used to be a size 6 for about 2 yrs...this was about 3 yrs ago. I starved myself and excercised like mad to get there. It was really, really hard to maintain. My hair fell out, I was always tired, fatigued, irritable and I didn't feel that healthy, but hey, I was a size 6. Isn't that what we women desire to be? THIN? Well, I was what they'd consider skinny I guess. I got lazy and quit trying as hard. So now I'm a size 10 and actually feel healthier. My hair doesn't fall out and feel strong. The problem is this...I think my weight is a big issue for men. I don't think I'm fat but I can tell that men like super thin women. When I was starving myself and a size 6, I had men hit on me all the time. I was called for 2nd dates. Now that I'm 25 lbs heavier, I can tell that men don't give me the time of day they used to. This makes me feel bad.

My mother is a petite size 4. She's about 5'3". She's 55 yrs old but she looks 46 or 47 yrs old. We go to stores and me and my mother can be wearing the exact sort of outfit (jeans, summer top) but I notice that men look at her more than they look at me. Why is that? Because she's so much more thinner than I am? Why is small, thin and petite more appealing? It's soooo frustrating. I'm not fat, I figure that body-wise I must look like Beyonce or something...you know, thick legs, hips, average bust....but I'm not flabby or obese. I'm solid. But I'm no Halle Berry--I don't fit into size 2 clothes.

It pisses me off that we as women have to starve ourselves and reach this ideal because if we don't men don't give us the time of day! They look at your profile and skip you. Or they write you an e-mail and if they meet you, you're too 'big' for their taste. Weight is such a huge factor for men...even when you're not fat. They want something so lean and thin. It makes me angry. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I know I have to seriously lose weight now if I want some results on this online dating thing. That means I need to lose at least 30 lbs and get down to a fricken size 4 or 6 just to be able to be in the running. And yeah, some of you can say "Stay how you are. Someone will like you that way", but it's very few men. I could wait around months and months and I'm tired of being alone. If I don't do this now, another year can go by and I'll be alone and for what? All because I don't want to lose weight? It totally sucks.

Do any of you feel the same way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 3:54pm

ittiebittiebaby, you said it...that's how I feel...frustrated at how superficial this whole dating thing is...especially online. It's not like you can 'win someone over' with your personality...it's basically a one-shot deal. Men are going to contact you based on your pictures, based upon how you look on your profile.

Sometimes I think we get so frustrated and angry and wonder why we're single and yet we fail to make changes to probably better our odds. If being thinner is going to get me more contacts, then I guess I'll do it, because losing 20 or 30lbs isn't that bad, it could be worse, but it does make me upset. It shouldn't have to be that way...

And I could be some major angry *itch and say hell no, I'm not going to change, but what's the point? Maybe it's a wake up call. Health first, of course, but as Rebecca said, the benefits may be more responses on thine OLD and I guess that can't be that bad...that's why we're here.




Edited 9/18/2006 4:06 pm ET by amerissa
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Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 3:58pm
That's unfortunate that happened to you. My experience was the opposite though. When I was thinner, I did notice more attention. I had guys eyeballing me in stores and even in the street. I received more attention and had more dating prospects then (as strange as that seems). Much more than I do now at least...and I wasn't even trying! I wasn't even online either. So while I agree that yes, a lot has to do with your personality, I think my personality wasn't the issue. Unfortunately, I was pretty steady with one guy at the time and we were together 2 yrs. It was after we broke up and I got back out there that I noticed men didn't look at me the same. I noticed the change. My social life wasn't dismal at all when I was thinner...but I do notice it changed now that I'm heavier.


Edited 9/18/2006 4:09 pm ET by amerissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:00pm
Fluffy that was very rude and extremely uncalled for. Desperate is the wrong word. I am frustrated with the superficiality of men out there. I think you're very angry and bitter. That doesn't sound like a woman who's so fulfilled.
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Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:11pm

No, I understand what you’re saying.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:14pm

REBECCA!!

You said exactly what I felt and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who feels the same way....I think we all have our moments when we're all frustrated with the crap out there...I've read posts on this board where women are pissed off at how their age is an issue...or men who don't look at them if they have kids...I guess this is just mine, the fact that sometimes we feel as if we have to be a certain size to get responses on this OLD. Just because you notice it doesn't mean you believe it or you don't consider yourself worthy. It means you're angry about that fact.

I plan to lose the weight...namely because it's really not that much and secondly because I felt better. But I'm not going to act stupid and say oh, being heavy was the same as being thin. It never was and never has been. I guess as superficial as we can be, men are doubly so...even worse. But thing is that I WOULD date a man who was a little overweight. It doesn't bother me. But I guess I'm one of the rare ones because I do hear women say they don't want heavy men either.

Anyway, thanks for listening. :)




Edited 9/18/2006 4:25 pm ET by amerissa
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Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:24pm

Thanks Peanut...and I agree...it's not like I was anorexic but I think I lost that weight too fast. I truly believe that's why I was so fatigued. I was a healthy weight, but I got there on a mad crash diet which wasn't good.

You know, I keep reading how we Americans keep getting fatter and fatter. We are just getting bigger as years go by and it's not good. I don't think saying "Hey, I need to lose some weight" is a bad thing....I'm not obese. But I do think a lot of our problems today stem from weight giving us not only physical illness but it even effects our mental health and even social life. It does not feel good.

Be thin or be fat, but be happy. If being heavy is making you upset, then I guess it's time to lose it. At least in my case, I think I'm ready to lose these 20lbs. If it's making me angry that men seem so crappy, then I better quit b******** and do something about it. For those who wish to stay the way they are, that's fine too, but just because I want to lose it doesn't mean I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm doing what's going to make me feel good and I think we should all strive for that. Some women decide to lose weight when they can't fit in chairs anymore. Others decide to do it when a husband leaves them. Others do it when their children begin to be embarrassed by their size. Maybe others do it when they begin to see that their dating life slows down. I think we all have that 'turning point', we all have different reasons for wanting to change our shape. I guess I just found mine..rude awakening, pisses me off, but so be it. Life isn't easy, I guess.

Good for you for being so physically active by the way. I've never been...I force myself and hate it. I wish I was naturally athletic. Maybe in my 'next life'..(yeah, right!)...lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:44pm

Umm, I didn't say personality!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 6:06pm

And I quote:

"That means I need to lose at least 30 lbs and get down to a fricken size 4 or 6 just to be able to be in the running. And yeah, some of you can say "Stay how you are. Someone will like you that way", but it's very few men. I could wait around months and months and I'm tired of being alone. If I don't do this now, another year can go by and I'll be alone and for what? All because I don't want to lose weight? It totally sucks."

You can't wait another year? This post sounds extremely desperate. You are willing to lose weight for a man to the point it will be unhealthy. It might have sounded a bit harsh but I wanted you to see it in a harsher light so you don't jeopardize your life just for a man. JUST FOR A MAN. They aren't all they're cracked up to be and definitely not worth risking your life.

I refuse to defend my personal fulfillment to you. You asked for honesty and I gave it to you.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 7:18pm

From what I've observed, I STRONGLY disagree that weight is the be-all and end-all. I'm 45 now, and deeply regret all the years I wasted thinking I wasn't thin enough or pretty enough.

I'm 5'5" and weighed a high of 170#(when unhappily married) and a low of 120#. Right now, I'm comfortable with a weight of 125-130. And, despite years of regular exercise, I do have cellulite(research shows that 90% of all women do.) That's heredity.

I can tell you that I was my own worst enemy until my early 40's. At age 40, I looked better than I ever did in my life! ...and still no men. All around me I saw women who were heavier, less attractive, less everything, that were married to decent-looking, good, successful men. I agonized and stewed about it, and yes, was resentful, but had no answers. It's only until very recently that I realized that we all define our own reality. You attract what you feel. I didn't like myself, though I was pretty, intelligent, kind, funny, etc. Therefore, I attracted losers, abusers, players, or men that were just plan boring. Now, I define my own reality. Since, I've adapted this attitude, I am attracting all kinds of quality people...men and women. No, Ihaven't found anyone I want to be with, but I believe it will happen. If not, I still have a great life and am not stuck in a repressive, boring, abusive realtionship.

That's not to say there are not shallow men out there. There are. But are there not also women who are shallow....who will date only men who make 6 figures, who drive a certain car, have the right credentials, clothes, etc? Our media leads us to believe this is the norm...but it is not.

C'mon, ladies....take a good look at some of the drop-dead gorgeous women in Hollywood and in your personal lives. Heather Locklear, Halle Berry, Jaclyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett(when I was 16 I thought her the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth and would have given my right arm to look like her.) Would you want the personal life of ANY of these women??? There are many more examples I could cite.

On the other hand, I see ordinary-looking people in relationships I envy. Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter(despite whether you agree with their politics, they have had what seems to be a great marriage). I can think of far more couples I know in real life...including my own parents. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. I don't think she was even remotely beautiful. John Lennon could have had his pick of many of the world's beauties just because he was a Beatle...he chose Yoko Ono, who was seven years older and hardly beautiful.

I know I'm rambling here but I truly believe that beauty comes in many different forms and sizes. It also is in the eye of the beholder.

I recommend a book called "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind" by Joseph Murphy. Extremely helpful. Also check out the website marrysmart.com and happygirlmusing.com Written by a woman who is humorous, has had weight issues, and is extremely intelligent...now very happily married.

I may not attract as many men as, say, Angelina Jolie, but I believe that I will attract one man who loves me for who I truly am...and who I am not. Not sure what the future holds for Angelina...doubt she will be with Brad for the long haul.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 8:41pm

Awesome post!

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