Fat or Skinny...the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fat or Skinny...the issue.
31
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:50pm

Okay, I want honest opinions. I am a size 10 pants...I'm 5'4 and weigh about 155lbs. I'm not fat but I've been told I weigh more than I actually look. A size 10 isn't bad in my opinion. I used to be a size 6 for about 2 yrs...this was about 3 yrs ago. I starved myself and excercised like mad to get there. It was really, really hard to maintain. My hair fell out, I was always tired, fatigued, irritable and I didn't feel that healthy, but hey, I was a size 6. Isn't that what we women desire to be? THIN? Well, I was what they'd consider skinny I guess. I got lazy and quit trying as hard. So now I'm a size 10 and actually feel healthier. My hair doesn't fall out and feel strong. The problem is this...I think my weight is a big issue for men. I don't think I'm fat but I can tell that men like super thin women. When I was starving myself and a size 6, I had men hit on me all the time. I was called for 2nd dates. Now that I'm 25 lbs heavier, I can tell that men don't give me the time of day they used to. This makes me feel bad.

My mother is a petite size 4. She's about 5'3". She's 55 yrs old but she looks 46 or 47 yrs old. We go to stores and me and my mother can be wearing the exact sort of outfit (jeans, summer top) but I notice that men look at her more than they look at me. Why is that? Because she's so much more thinner than I am? Why is small, thin and petite more appealing? It's soooo frustrating. I'm not fat, I figure that body-wise I must look like Beyonce or something...you know, thick legs, hips, average bust....but I'm not flabby or obese. I'm solid. But I'm no Halle Berry--I don't fit into size 2 clothes.

It pisses me off that we as women have to starve ourselves and reach this ideal because if we don't men don't give us the time of day! They look at your profile and skip you. Or they write you an e-mail and if they meet you, you're too 'big' for their taste. Weight is such a huge factor for men...even when you're not fat. They want something so lean and thin. It makes me angry. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I know I have to seriously lose weight now if I want some results on this online dating thing. That means I need to lose at least 30 lbs and get down to a fricken size 4 or 6 just to be able to be in the running. And yeah, some of you can say "Stay how you are. Someone will like you that way", but it's very few men. I could wait around months and months and I'm tired of being alone. If I don't do this now, another year can go by and I'll be alone and for what? All because I don't want to lose weight? It totally sucks.

Do any of you feel the same way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 9:09pm

You are so welcome, vexer! I just wish to God it hadn't taken me until my 40s to figure all this out! But, I like myself better than ever.

To all you women in your 20s and 30s, please , please, please, do NOT waste your life like I did mine. It's NOT about how pretty or thin you are...It's what you believe. We are all beautiful in our own way! I couldn't shake a fist at how many good men have been interested in me over the years, but I missed their signals because I had my head up my a@@ and didn't think I was pretty or thin enough.

Repeat after me: It's not about how thin I am, I am uniquely beautiful. God doesn't make no junk! (And I don't care if you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, atheist, agnostic, whatever)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 11:29pm

Hi amerissa,

I've never been a natural athlete either. I'm 43 weigh 130 lbs., am 5'5" and wear a 6 or 8. In the past two years I've taken up golf and weight training and this year joined a bowling league. I also take dance classes. I am not by a long shot good at golf or bowling but I enjoy it a great deal and it is excellent exercise. I find at my age it no longer matters whether I am good at a sport. I am more interested in having fun.

If you truly want to lose weight you should start out eating about 12 times your body weight in calories. This should include about 1-1.5 grams of protein per lb of your weight. At least 30 grams of healthy fats (olive oil, nuts, omegas, etc) and the balance of calories from healthy unprocessed carbs including lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, brown rice, potato or sweet potato, and whole grains. Small peanut was right in that for every extra pound of muscle you add to your body, you burn about 50 cals per day. If you add five pounds of muscle that is 250 cals per day or 1 pound of fat every two weeks. You should do strength training 3-4 times per week. It only takes about 45-60 minutes to do a full body workout. You will feel better and look better in no time. There are many internet sites with examples of workouts and video demos of the various exercises.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:18am
You're entitled to your opinion but with all do respect you don't know me. You have no idea what you're speaking about. If you're happy being heavy or whatever weight you are, great, but don't call people desperate if they want to change their figures for whatever reason...everyone has different reasons. I asked for advice, not judgment. But whatever...have a good day 'fluffy'...lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 5:56am

Absolutely!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:05am

'I am 47 years old and never married. Alone? No just single. I have never settled for less than what I deserve and I don't intend to do it now. I will NOT be what other people want me to be. I will only be me. If that "me" disqualifies myself from 99% of the men in the world so be it. They don't deserve me then. Is there someone out there for me?? Not sure at this point'

OK, you are blunt and direct, and I will be blunt and direct with you: I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at your post and particularly the above part of it. This would be like saying: 'So.. I have been unemployed all my life; I do really want a job; I know that the reason I am unemployed is because I do not have necessary skills/qualifications for the job that I want but no, I will not go and get those qualifications and I am proud of myself for not doing it'.

You call the original poster desperate..she does not strike me as desperate at all. She is just very realistic and portrays a very very REAL picture of the world as it is NOW. You on the other hand sound as though you are using a self-protection shield of what I call the 'fat chick's 'take me as I am' defense line'. Fact: fat is unattractive to 99.9% of men the world over. Fact: 9 men out of 10 will prefer a thinner woman to a bigger woman. Fact: it does NOT matter to 99.9% of men what your personality is like or how amazing or clever you are if you are fat because 99.9% of men are VERY visual.

Apologies - as I said, here's my blunt response to your blunt post.

And I totally agree with the original poster - if you want to attract a partner, in 2006, in Europe or the US, it would help you GREATLY to loose as much weight as you can. I can give you dozens of examples, including my own.

Edited 9/19/2006 8:06 am ET by juliasuk




Edited 9/19/2006 8:29 am ET by juliasuk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:01am

And you don't know me. I just know there isn't a man on the face of this earth that I would lose weight (albeit for you already being a size 10) to the degree that I would lose my hair and risk my life. It comes down to that. If you are one of those women who would put themselves in harms way just to have a man is desperate in my dictionary.

I wish you luck with this venture because it's going to bite you in butt in the end. If there is butt left to bite.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:22am

You are going to compare getting a job with finding a man??? I learned when I was 25 years old and met my Mr. Right that I don't have to accept him into my life if he isn't all of what I deserve. I was pretty confused as most 25 year old women are and I feel that was my turning point in life. I turned my back on this man which was the hardest thing I have ever done in relationships. He did drugs. Pure and simple I don't tolerate any drug activity in anyone I associate with. I was raised in a household with a drug addicted sibling and my life was miserable. Won't do the same thing as an adult. I think of this man often but hold my head up proudly knowing I am NOT one of those women who married for the sake of love or desperation and ended up divorced with screwed up children. I made the right choice. Can't say that I always have and yes I use certain tools to "protect" myself if you will but in the end I have made some really good choices in regards to men. I deserve so much more. It took me many years to get where I am in regards to my relationships with men. I have learned that there is so much more out in the world than having a relationship and there are other types of relationships that are beneficial to me as well.

I appreciate your thoughts and opinion but I disagree with what you are saying. I appreciate bluntness because it shows you are passionate about your thoughts and words. What it comes down to it I won't change for any man. I just choose to wait for the right man to love me for all of who I am. You can laugh or cry about it if you will but I am very happy with me.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:15pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:20pm

This has been a very interesting thread. For the record, I am very short and have a few extra pounds. If I weren't very short, I'd probably be about a size 10.

From what I've seen and experienced, I'd have to say all sides are correct to some extent. Self-confidence and how you hold and present yourself is the most important thing in a face-to-face meeting. Getting to that face-to-face meeting using online dating or in any other superficial means, however, is easier if you are thinner. While the analogy to job-hunting sort of holds, there are some jobs that no matter how much training and practice you get, they are still not going to be a good fit for your basic personality. To subvert your personality
(or natural body type) would only make you miserable whether it be for a job or for a relationship. Why spend your life pretending?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:23pm

I think that there are some excellent points that were brought up here.

Physical attraction does matter, but we also need to take into consideration that what we find beautiful varies from culture to culture as well. If you want to speak about attractivness from a universal perspective we also have to bring in some form of cultural relativism into the conversation. Yes in north american and some parts of europe women that are "thin" are considered to be attractive to some. In other parts of the world women with full bodies large breasts and wide hips are seen as attractive because it is a sign of fertility. A woman's ability to reproduce is directly related to the amount of body fat she has. If a woman's body fat percentage drops below a certain amount she no longer menstruates and is no longer fertile (i am sure that we all know this).

I too am frustrated with the ideals that society places on us in regards to beauty. To me is seems as though men can look however they want to look but women have to make an effort to look good if they want to find someone who will love them. I myself do not leave my house without wearing makeup and doing my hair because i a) feel better about myself when i am all dolled up and b) i never know who i may run into. I hate my skin because i am so fair that i don't tan. I wish that my nose was smaller and that my pores were smaller. But then i take a step back from what i am thinking about myself and i look at all the good things i can find in myself that many people both men and women will appreciate. I am not only a beautiful person on the outside, but i am beautiful on the inside too. I come as a whole package and if a guy is going to want to give up a woman who is not only pretty but wants to make him dinner while he watches the football game every monday just because she has a couple stretch marks on her butt then he is a total idiot.

And to the poster who womention the "average" people who have found happiniess, i totally agree with you. My grandparents have been happily married for 60 years. They had two wonderful successful children 3 wonderful grandchildren and are pretty much living the American dream. They are two regular people who were able to find true love and happiness with each other. I am sure that they went through hard times as that is unavoidable but they still remained true to each other and to their family. Whenever i feel down or lost i look to them for inspiration. I even told them that when i grow up i want to be them.