Fear vs. Just Not That Into Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fear vs. Just Not That Into Him
13
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:56pm

OK, I was doing my Dr. Phil reading over lunch and got to a chapter talking about the "impression" you give to others and that an impression of desperation you can give off which is being desperately afraid of getting hurt. When you are that kind of desperate, you obviously push people away because you'd rather not get hurt or fear being hurt so much that you sobconsciously or even consciously think you'd be better off alone.

So I'm wondering when you know if it's fear or if it's that you're just not that into the guy? I have to wonder if that's my problem with Mr. Handsy? I find my interest waning - he called last night and I had just put my dinner on a plate so I didn't answer. After that, I found more important things (i.e. watching TV) to do than call him back.

When reading that chapter, I DO definitely know that I am very afraid of being hurt again and that I have a tendency to pick unavailable men and perhaps push away guys that might be good for me. So I wonder if my reluctance over this is because HE'S being so available? Or if it's because I really don't like him that much?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 7:20pm

I tend to bend over backwards to make sure I'm not doing this, so I'll go out with guys I'm not sure about (but who seem "good on paper" or whatever) 1-2 more times than I really feel like doing just to make sure. But as I said about the guy I went out with around the holidays who couldn't hold a conversation to save his life (and we went out 4 times), just because he's a nice guy and available doesn't mean he's right for me!

I think there are some red flags with Handsy Guy and that he may be too available in a red flag way (not a good way), so trust your instincts on this. But do give him another date or two just in case...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 10:50pm
it sounds like you re turned off by him. This rarely turns into attraction :~P
Actually if anything you will be more annoyed by him even the smallest things he does.
So maybe moving on is best.
The best way to know how you feel about him is to picture yourself with another guy (old boyfriend or crush) and then move right away to think of him as a BF if you get the ugh feeling then he does not need another chance he needs another woman!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 10:01am
I sometimes think I do this subconsciously too, and I like Sheri's way of handling it. What I sometimes do is try to take a step back during the date and reflect on it while I'm actually with him and see if I am feeling afraid of being hurt or simply disinterested - sometimes it is easier to figure out what is going on if you pay close attention in the moment than if you are thinking about it after the fact. So I would give it another date and really focus on that and see if that clarifies things for you. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 10:45am

Nah.. I think that if there was chemistry you would have no problem with a little touching. My take is that you are just not that into him.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 12:16pm

Thanks everyone. Sheri - yes you are right there are some red flags. I've had that pointed out to me by a couple other people as well. One friend I was talking to brought up (and I had wondered too) if he brought me to the thing on Sunday because he would have been the only one without a date so since we'd been out once he asked me so he wouldn't be the 5th wheel.

As for the touching thing, I think yes and no. I'm a person that generally likes to take my time but yes, when there's a guy I really like, I don't mind the touching and in fact it gives me butterflies! :-) But since I feel butterflies with guys that are bad for me and rarely for the guys that would be good for me... is it my subconscious supressing the butterflies b/c he could be a good thing or is it actually my lack of interest? But I felt he was FAR too familiar with me for the first real date even if it was 8 hours long! He literally was almost pawing me - constantly holding my hand, stroking my back, hand on my knee or arms (usually stroking), arm around my shoulders or holding my hand with our hands behing his or my back. So you can see there was a LOT of touching. On a first date, I guess I have certain boundaries but you're right - if I really like the guy, I will let those boundaries slide.

Well, we did talk last night and we're still supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow. And thankfully he is coming my way this time. I can't help wondering if he thought he could apply the infamous "3rd date rule" of sleeping with me if I was at his house for dinner. I find that totally ridiculous since I haven't even kissed him but it crossed my mind. And if not sleeping with me, I think he was definitely thinking a heavy make out session...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 2:38pm

I don't think of it as fear as much as I think of it as in "life experiences" people aren't always what they appear to be the first few dates or first few months even.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 5:59pm
I've never thought about that possibility, but it makes sense if you think about it. For me, I usually know if I am interested in a guy early on, and I also have the subsequent fear of rejection later because of that interest. If I like him, he will surely bail on me later type of thinking. If you are really on the fence about this guy, maybe try going out with him again. If you still feel lukewarm about him or are not comfortable with his hands on you, you can be busy the next time he calls. If you think there might be potential there, give it another shot. I'm not saying don't go out with others if you get the chance, but I would not write him off until you knew more about why you had reservations about seeing him again. If it really is fear of being hurt, he might prove to be one that won't hurt you. Keep us posted on what you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 9:11pm

HI!

Vexer I think you could be somewhat right but also agree w/ NWW

and watch for the red flags.

I often used to find myself in FEAR or seeking out unavailable men just like my father

Usually it can be fear/afraid of being hurt so we pick those unavailable men because they won't ever hurt us, because Hey we will never get attached to them cuz they won't allow us.

Or we pick them because it's a pattern of our childhood

Often i use to like the bad guys.Until i had a 4 yr r'ship w/ a great guy but prior to him i was dating the bad boy and had to force myself to go out w/the nice guy, and then 4 yrs later the nice guy broke my heart by saying i wasn't the one. we ended it amicably, he was the kindest, most intelligent man I had met, and I did grow to find him very handsome.. But in the beginning he was just too "nice" or too "boring".. and that to me was a sign of a red flag that i was looking at the wrong things in men. MY life growing up was chaos and I liked to create chaos so why in the heck would i date a guy that was boring, no chaos there. Again not the wisest choice eventually i got through it

but i did /do find myself sometiems trying to create that in my life, not merely as much. and i have to be careful as not to sabotage any new r'ships that i have.. it's jsut a comfort zone that i grew up w/ that is actually becoming less of one, because I want peace and harmony not Chaos

so just listen to yourself, walk through the steps of uncertainty but don't throw in the towel too quickly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 12:29pm
Well, I am supposed to go to dinner with him tonight. Yes, in a public place and yes on my side of town. I am not looking forward to it but I need to try to get out of that and go into it with a good attitude. I've talked with some friends and they all have said something along the lines of if I was into him, the touching thing wouldn't have bothered me. But I just don't know. I need to get over this "dreading it" feeling I am having. I know it would come across in my demeanor. Sigh.... any suggestions on how to go into this with a better attitude?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 1:07pm

Try focusing on something you like about him. You said your conversations are pretty good, so focus on being able to converse with him. Or find something else about him to get excited about. Maybe also do some pre-date routine like have a bubble bath or really taking your time to get dolled up... that may help add excitement for you.


I hope this helps. Let us know how it goes.

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