Feel Like a Heel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Feel Like a Heel
9
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:32pm

I read a profile on Lavalife and in it was "I'm a T-12 para - yes you read that right."

I recall thinking I wonder what the heck that means and thinking I would ask. Anyway, I sent a smile and he sent me a message and backstage. When I looked at the pics I realized he was in a wheelchair and it finally clicked what T-12 para meant. I feel like a total jerk and don't know what the heck to do now. I don't want to just ignore him but don't think I can say I'm sorry I made a mistake and didn't realize you were paraplegic.

What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:30pm

Oooh, OUCH!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:51pm

So he is automatically disqualified because he's paraplegic? You haven't even given him a chance.

*big fat sigh of disgust*

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:55pm

if someone doesnt want to date someone who cant walk and is paralyzed, Id say they certainly have that right and for sure understand it

Think of other reasons people arent given chances based on how they look. For many people (including me)someone being able to walk would be a requirement. Now, i did once date someone who couldnt drive...so i'm not that bad

OP, it is awkward, but I would probably say something like you met someone else. No need to go on about how you dont want to date him due to his situation...i'm sure he's heard it many times before anyways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 6:56pm

Although I really don't feel I need to justify myself to you, I will explain further.

I did in fact have a relationship with someone that was wheelchair bound for a short period of time. I had known him for some time though and we were very good friends.

I, and my siblings, have a bit of an issue with forming strong attachments to people. It was recommended to my sibling by a psychiatrist that to compensate for this, he (we) should look for individuals with whom we share common interests. My interests include walking, swimming, weight lifting, dancing, bowling and golf. I also enjoy decorating, furniture restoration, and reading.

We all have preferences. I also could not date anyone that is not intelligent. It is a requirement for me to have a partner that I can talk to about issues. I don't think this makes me a bad person for not wanting to date a mentally challenged adult. It just means I know what would and would not work for me.

You seem to be a much more enlightened individual than I am and I applaud you for it but please don't impose your values on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:01pm

Hello Clber,

First of all: you are not a Heel .... I believe that he could have been more explicit.

May I suggest to you being honest: if you aren’t interested tell him and If HE ASKS if it due to his disability, tell him. Having been myself a member of Lavalife and other OLD sites for 1 year and physically disabled, I know first hand, how the truth is hard to read. But, I personally totally respect the fact that some guys don't want to date someone with a disability.

On the other hand, I believe, I can understand the "discomfort" that you are facing: Ghosting avoids you the discomfort of having to tell him you're not interested because is a T12, or whatever he is, but you also avoid him the "discomfort" of hearing it too.

However, I just wanted to add that, I always found that a man who had the guts to tell the truth about being uncomfortable with the fact that I was born with a disability, was a sign of respect toward me. But that's just me. ;-)

Best of luck ;-)
Winnie




Edited 10/4/2006 10:46 am ET by funnywinnie10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:23pm

No you didn't have to justify this you are more normal than not in this regard. As far imposing my values on you....well it's less about values and more about my own personal limitations. I have my own physical limitations that makes this an explosive subject for me. Each time I hear of someone not giving someone a chance because of certain limitations it frustrates me. As I said before you are more the norm than the exception so where does that leave all of us who have these limitations? Am I destined to be alone because everyone doesn't want someone who has these limitations?? Do "we" not deserve to be given the time to get acquainted before someone disqualifies us???

I am proud to say that even before my own personal situation arose in 2001 I was open to getting to know someone before making the decision they weren't right for me regardless. I guess I just want that same courtesy in return.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You are looking for something specific and he didn't fit into those categories. I would, however; be curious to find out why you feel like a heel if you truly believe in the fact that you are looking for something specific and he doesn't fit into that??? There would be no reason for you to feel this way if you are doing the right thing for yourself. This is purely rhetorical so you do not have to respond to me.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: clber
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:18pm

She can feel free to defend herself or not and I am definitely not putting words in her mouth, but I think she DID say why he doesn't fit in with her idea of what she wants - she is active with swimming, weightlifting and other very active things.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
In reply to: clber
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:46pm
like people keep telling me here...you cant have a thin skin with online dating. Unfortunately it seems like people are almost pickier...i started doing it without posting a pic...so i took a chance and winked at someone...he wrote back asked for my pic. Within a few hours he wrote back and said sorry we are not a match. He wasnt going to give me a chance based on my pic...did it hurt a little? Yes it did...but that's what happens. It's not like i have warts growing on my face, there's nothing wrong with me physically, but this person did not want to get to know me based on my physical appearance...so certainly i can see having an actual physical disability to be a big issue. I guess everyone needs to keep an open mind that they arent going to be what everyone is looking for, and not take it personally
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: clber
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 5:16pm

I think you have to trust your comfort level here, but a lot of paras are really very functional, especially if they have a good attitude and a young outlook!

Good luck!

Chick